is anyone with their dream guy?

[yippieplubath]

i'm not sure if waiting around for my perfect man is unrealistic.

I have dated men that I just wasn't happy with. Most were perfectly nice and would probably make nice husbands for someone else but not me. I never want to feel frustrated, angry, irritated or disrespected in a relationship just because they're having a bad day. But I also wanted effective communication where we both feel listened to and can compromise. Is this unrealistic?

The man I am imagining is a patient, kind, gentle man who is fun and outgoing. I imagine I feel warm and safe with him and I am just so in love. I also imagine him to be ambitious, a very hands on father, someone who has hobbies and great stories.

I have such an outgoing and agreeable personality but I always feel somewhat defeated in relationships. I hate arguing and am really good at expressing how I feel in a mature way and have never been with a guy who can do the same.

The last few men I have fallen for one of them didn't clean and had 4 bags of rubbish in his hall, another was sexist, another was a workaholic and never had any time, another didn't like travel which is my passion and I want to share with a partner.

Can anyone share their happy ending story to give me hope?

I agree, on one hand you're asking about "dream guys" but on the other hand you're asking for very reasonable basic things i.e. having stuff in common, no blazing rows, not bigoted, clean. I think maybe you've got into your head that these are rare qualities - they're not.

It sounds like the problem is not that you're filtering out dirty, bigoted, angry men - but that you're doing it TOO LATE. Like you say, you fall for them first then see the problems later. That's just a really quick route to heartache for you (and possibly them too). My dating life improved massively when I started being much fussier up front and not actively "looking for the good" in people. The nice blokes were nice from the start. Ask yourself why are you so uncritical at first, but then turn it on later? What triggers that? How far into a relationship?

Ask your friends what they think is going wrong - sometimes people around you give good advice when asked, but wouldn't necessarily want to offer it upfront.

Pretty much! I always said to myself, I'd never find a handsome Marxist who is also Jewish. Well, I did!

I am. He's tall dark and handsome (my ideal) but I think what attracts me to his personality is that he's not an Alpha male. He's sweet, polite, quieter and genuinely what I would say is a "nice guy". He's not loud or a drinker, doesn't follow football and isn't the type to get into arguments. I think that's the issue is with a lot of men. When they're a certain type with the lads, that doesn't necessarily change at home. Being in-charge, forceful, angry and/or argumentative etc.

DH is as devoted to our children as I am. Despite being the breadwinner he knows the children's schedules, teachers, likes and dislikes. He knows the school yard mums and dads, who our kids classmates and friends are. He likes to dig in and get the laundry done or hoovering the house. He goes to the shop whenever I ask and usually when I don't but he knows what the house needs. He is definitely a perfect man.

However, his personality traits, whilst being perfect for me does put him at a disadvantage. Other men treat him like shit sometimes because he's not one for speaking up or being "one of the lads".

The best example I can think of is when he was carpooling to work. On his turn he drove round to pick the lads up at their houses, meaning driving the wrong way out of the village to turn around and drive past our estate to get to work. New guy started and quickly announced that he'll not be driving onto our estate to pick DH up and DH needs to meet them on the main road as they pass. A 10 minute walk in the freezing cold, possible wind, rain or snow and waiting anything up to 15 minutes at 6am for a 12 hour shift only to be dropped off at the same point 14 hours later to walk home again.

Now if it were me I'd tell the bloke that won't work and they've done door to door pick ups for years. But DH didn't. He did say something and the chap just went, "Not a fuckin chance pal. I'm not pissing about driving out my way!".

Had DH been a different man they would all have told the guy to get bent but they didn't because the new bloke fits in well and is clearly one of the lads.

@WitchWife this is fantastic advice.

I don't think the qualities described are rare but to find them all in a single man who has similar ambitions and interests is rare. When I have picked guys theres always one of these they don't have and it really ruins everything. I don't think I noticed red flags too late, I knew them from the start, I just got caught up in the excitement and told myself that they would change.

I think I am not critical at the start because I want so badly for it to be right for me that I may ignore warning signs.

I also am a romantic and worry about missing out on an opportunity.

I also sometimes need validation that men are interested in me so I have tended to find an average guy who has a red flag but also has some amazing qualities. I will know that it is not right. But there will be something there either he is really funny, or a very good friend. I will then be drawn to him and find myself desperately wanting him to want me. Then when he does want me I no longer want him but date out of obligation because I led him on. Terrible habit I know.

As soon as I am single I find myself drawn to lots of men and trying to find something I like in them, anything. I just love to have someone by my side. I know that I need to be single for a while and work on myself

Oh yep some of this sounds very familiar. What you have to realise is by ignoring these red flags or unattractive qualities you’re WASTING YOUR OWN TIME. One habit I got into (not sure it’s entirely helpful but it was good to break this pattern) was asking myself very early on - why will I eventually break up with this man? Turns out I usually knew the answer! In some cases I then thought that on balance they were fun and nice enough to have a casual short relationship with them anyway - and this was agreed with them. In other cases I just ended it there and then.

What you need is not a dream man, but a man who you’re not trying to win like a game, and who you don’t already see yourself dumping (for good reason or not).

Being in a series of crap relationships isn’t “winning”, as you know, it grinds you down after a while and means you CBA to then meet potentially nice people!

I am, 100%.

Handsome, hard working, attentive, humble, cleans up(without being asked!), spiritual, aware of the world, great communicator, real etc etc. I don’t think I could have ever dreamed him up.

I would have laughed until tears ran down my face if someone had told me such a man existed and I’d have found him, but low and behold it happened.

Don’t give up that hope, I truly believe now that there is someone for everyone

I am. He's a great dad, patient and good humoured, always goes to work, cooks, does his fair share around the house, doesn't moan at me when I do my time consuming hobby. He's better looking with age (mid 30s now), we have a pretty good sex life kbeen together 13 years now). If I had to be picky I would say he isn't massively ambitious about life and is very happy with his lot which isn't necessarily a bad thing anyway and I'm the one pushing to better myself career wise while he's happy doing what he does - I guess that keeps me quite grounded though. Love him to pieces.

I think I got your dream guy, sorry about that. He's not perfect but he is all those things you list. Most importantly he is always respectful and conscious of his impact on me, which I'm often shocked to see other friends partners are not always.

There are good people out there. But start by looking for someone who never crosses the line on how he treats you.

There is also a danger to waiting too long by being too selective unless you are happy staying single. Single women in their 30's and later outnumber single men in many metropolitan areas. It's a very pronounced difference in New York, for example.

I think my husband is the perfect husband, but he might be the worst husband to someone else. For example, he is a homebody who works very hard but isn’t really adventurous - this suits me because I’m the same. It’s more about finding someone perfect for you because there’s no perfect person.

Also, when you are in love, little things are easy to overlook. So you can overlook that maybe you have different hobbies or make compromises for each other.

Perfect for me!

@severussnaperus

I really am

Gorgeous, successful and amazing in bed..

Cooks, cleans and nips to the shop when I need him to

We love each other so much

Same here! Got the perfect hubby, I'm very lucky x

We’ve been together 25 years. He’s not perfect, neither am I, but neither of us need ‘perfect’ to be happy. We are kind to each other and each think that we’re the lucky one in the relationship. We are a team (sometimes it feels like us against the world). We genuinely like each other. As much as we love our friends, we really are best friends.

I am, I honestly don’t have a single complaint outside of the fact that sometimes his chewing makes me homicidal. He’s smart, talented, kind, funny, an amazing dad, good looking...and he doesn’t realize it so he thinks I’m great too. I always knew exactly what I wanted and he’s it to a t.

‘Dream guy’ sounds so cheesy, so I’m not going to say I have my dream guy, but I do have a good man.

He’s my type physically - tall, dark and handsome, and he cracks me up, so the sense of humour I need is 100% there.

He’s a great husband and father, and also a good son. He loves our kids like I do, is kind and gentle with them, pushes them when they need it, and is completely there for them. His parents are on the other side of the world, but he’s close to his Mum especially, and speaks to her every week.

He’s very social and gregarious, which is definitely a non-negotiable for me. Couldn’t be doing with a recluse. He’s a good laugh and tells a great story.

He’s also an ‘executor’ - the opposite of a procrastinator. He sees what needs doing (even looks for what needs doing), and follows it through to absolute completion. I need this is my life to offset my procrastinating tendencies!

We obviously love each other, but more important to my mind, for a mutually satisfying long-term relationship - we really like each other. We chat, download, analyse, laugh about things, and put the world to rights.

He’s great, and I looking at my friends, they’ve all done pretty well too (none as well as me, natch ).

Good men are out there.

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying wow thank you for giving me so much hope. he sounds wonderful and I hope I will meet a man like him one day.

@WitchWife thats really good advice and theres multiple reasons really for all the guys I've been with why it couldn't go on longer. I know I have wasted a lot of time. I wonder what other good questions one should ask

I wonder how many people were destined to meet their soul mate in 2020/2021 and COVID ruined fates plans. I'm not sure if many people can really meet and date easily now.

We met 30 years ago on a train he was military I was modelling. We had an on off relationship for a few years he was posted to Germany we then met 10 years ago again but both had just met other people. In lockdown 1 I contacted him found out we were both single and we moved in together last summer - he is still as beautiful as he was on that train 30 years ago and he says I am too, he’s tall great physique funny we laugh all the time he was always the best lover I’ve ever had and sex is great we do loads together and I really am so grateful we’re back together because this life right now is harsh

Yep. I adore my husband. He is perfect for me. We enjoy each other's company. He makes me laugh and I still fancy the pants off him.

He helps around the house.

Bloody terrible driver though. Can't have it all.

Looks wise, he is my exact type! He's broad, gains muscles fast, and is generally wide. He's tall, blue eyed and a lovely face. Personality wise, as the years go by, I think, maybe we aren't as compatible as we were before kids! But I do think kids really do affect things.