is anyone with their dream guy?

[yippieplubath]

i'm not sure if waiting around for my perfect man is unrealistic.

I have dated men that I just wasn't happy with. Most were perfectly nice and would probably make nice husbands for someone else but not me. I never want to feel frustrated, angry, irritated or disrespected in a relationship just because they're having a bad day. But I also wanted effective communication where we both feel listened to and can compromise. Is this unrealistic?

The man I am imagining is a patient, kind, gentle man who is fun and outgoing. I imagine I feel warm and safe with him and I am just so in love. I also imagine him to be ambitious, a very hands on father, someone who has hobbies and great stories.

I have such an outgoing and agreeable personality but I always feel somewhat defeated in relationships. I hate arguing and am really good at expressing how I feel in a mature way and have never been with a guy who can do the same.

The last few men I have fallen for one of them didn't clean and had 4 bags of rubbish in his hall, another was sexist, another was a workaholic and never had any time, another didn't like travel which is my passion and I want to share with a partner.

Can anyone share their happy ending story to give me hope?

I think the best part about being in a good relationship is feeling comfortable around each other. I remember when I was last pregnant and I think I actually had Covid then, but that's another story
I was coughing that bad I actually wet myself and was then sick and he just said "I'll get the mop" and sorted it out then found me some Pjs to change into 😂

I think your expectations are too high.

Like why does he need to like to travel? Can you not do that on your own/with friends/ with family?

I know it’s a nice thing to do together but if everything else was good is this really worth being a dealbreaker?

My DH ticks your list and he travelled for 18 months between his degrees, all over the place. Still did till the pandemic. He has visited about 120 countries. I like a holiday but not quite as much as him and it’s involved stuff like being on a ruddy local bus in Africa with literally a chicken on my lap.

DH loves word play and mental gymnastics as do I. It means we always have something to talk about and not just boring domestic Minutiae. As much as your list is quite admirable it’s the debates that mean we enjoy each other’s company 23 years down the line. You wrote you are agreeable, depending on what you mean exactly would very probably not have suited either of us.

He came to take a book out of the science library I was running on the campus of a very prestigious University we both worked at. I am a little older than him and he was a post doc researcher or a baby academic as I called him. For him it was love at first sight apparently. He is a Professor now and still more romantic than I could ever be.

I was never bothered about marrying or having children and struggled to give men the time of day. I saw them as a hinderance. All the women I have known well who put a relationship above everything else were always the ones who seemed to have the hardest time getting a decent man. Develop yourself above everything because you will always be with you.

Sounds so cheesy, but DP is my dream guy despite possessing nearly none of the features I thought I wanted. Life knew better than I did

I am! Won’t pass up the opportunity to boast about him

He’s adorable. Physically my perfect type; tall, slim and strong, auburn hair and sharp cheekbones. Like Eddie Redmayne’s younger brother (who also happens to be my number one celeb crush).

He’s incredibly sweet, generous and thoughtful. Likes to make my life easier; on Saturday we were meant to be taking the Christmas decs down, but I am pregnant so got very tired and lazy at the prospect! Went for a nap, when I woke up he had taken them all down himself and put them in the loft, then given the place a good hoover, put the dishwasher on and run a laundry load for good measure. Never asks for thanks, just cracks on and does his share of the housework.

He brings me hot water bottles and tea if I mention I’m cold, orders surprise gifts for me, sets up little romantic date nights. He tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me constantly. He loves to cuddle and will give me a foot rub if I rest my feet on his lap while we watch tv.

He’s hilarious, very quick, witty and sharp. Makes me laugh constantly. He’s also great in bed and a very generous lover; I’ve never not ‘finished’ and he makes sure I’m done before he takes his turn!

He’s easy to live with, uncomplaining, communicates well, and we don’t argue. He’s very patient with me when I’m being insecure and has endless reserves of calm when I get stressed. Just the sweetest, funniest, silliest guy ever.

In terms of negatives, he can be a bit passive, and he doesn’t like conflict to the point he won’t complain in restaurants etc. He also gets anxious about organising the big stuff, so sorting tradesmen, planning stuff, organising trips etc. all falls to me. Having said that, I love to do this stuff, and I’m very forthright, so it works out well; everything balances out. I also don’t see these things as flaws really, as they are part of him, who I love.

Overall just a really good egg. I can’t wait to see him as a father, he’s so good with children. I’m more excited to see him parent than to do it myself! I grew up with a crap dad, so it will be lovely to see a good one around the place.

Sorry, that went on a bit! Just to reassure you OP, I also had very high standards and refused to settle. I haven’t settled one iota with DH; my theory is always that you only live once, why would you spend it with someone who doesn’t enrich your life in every possible way? The good ones are out there, and they are so worth the wait. I’m grateful for mine every day.

I never had a dream guy or a type but I knew what qualities I wanted in a partner. I'm in love with my husband and he has everything I want, plus he's really sexy so I think he must be my dream guy.

No but I do have a little statue of him next to my bed

I really am. He’s clever, hard working, the kindest and most patient man I’ve ever met, funny, generous, thoughtful, caring. He’s absolutely gorgeous looking. He puts me first in everything. He is the most devoted, hands on dad to our new baby. He does more than his share of household jobs. He has never, in all our years together, let me down or spoken a single unkind word.

I knew from the first date I would marry him and I’ve never wavered in my faith in him for a second because every day he exceeds my expectations.

That’s why I hate to see a woman settle for someone who isn’t kind and caring. It can be so, so good when you’re with the right one.

My 'dream guy' has changed a lot over the years and current DP does tick a lot of my new boxes. Would i have dreamed him up in a fantasy? Unlikely. Am i happy? Yes!

He's kind
Enthusiastic about life
Supports himself/not a cocklodger
Intelligent
Competent & practical
Sexually compatible

It's cringey but I'd say yes! I am very very physically attracted to him, he's my best friend and most importantly we share the same values - I'm like you and any sense of sexism or bigotry would absolutely kill a connection for me.

So while I obviously don't believe in soul mates as in one person out there is the only right person for you, I do describe him as my kindred spirit :)

And importantly, he feels the same about me There is mutual respect and value and I admire greatly who he is as a person and how he is with are children. So yes a box ticker he is indeed

I've been with mine for over 50 years.
Shit. That sounds smug, sorry.

Yes, married for over 20 years to my very lovely husband. However, two years ago I was seriously considering leaving. Good, deep relationships are forged over time by not giving up on each other when things aren't perfect. It sounds to me as if you've spent a lot of time imagining your dream man, and no one will live up to this fictitious character sadly.

Yes! I wrote a list when I was in uni of what he would.look like his likes and his background. The only real difference is that I asked for green eyea and he has very light blue ones!

I think a shared sense of humour is very important in a relationship. My husband is not my usual "type" but we've been together for 20 years and married for 12. We've been through a lot - we don't always see eye to eye on things but we shave the same moral and work ethic, and like a lot of the same things. It just works.

OP I would recommend reading Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.
I've been with my DH for 14 years and I think he's about as close to my "dream guy" as it's possibly to get - he's handsome, kind and caring, generous and hard working.
I was very lucky I didn't lose him in the early years when I was umming and ahhing about whether or not he was "enough".

You haven’t found the right guy because you’re looking for incompatible combinations of characteristics. For example, you say you want a man who is “ambitious”. An ambitious man will strive for his career or personal achievements, so inevitably won’t prioritise being a hands-on father.

Decide what is crucial to you, and let other things slide.

Yes he is perfect for me but not perfect. He's grumpier and messier than Mr Perfect would be but he loves me, adores his children, works hard and would do anything for any of us. I don't believe in perfection - I'm definitely not perfect so why would I expect my husband to be?

My husband is not perfect but he is kind, funny, thoughtful and genuinely respects and cares for me. Our relationship has its ups and downs like anyone's but I never feel that he takes me for granted or disrespects me. We very rarely have fights although we do disagree - we have learned to communicate and respect each other's point of view.

I realise I have said 'respect' several times - I do think it is a huge part of a success relationship.

I never want to feel frustrated, angry, irritated or disrespected in a relationship just because they're having a bad day.

This is so unrealistic. There are no shortages of bad days (especially just now) in any long and happy marriage. It’s the fact that you can both dismiss the occasional rages and constant frustrations as being insignificant within the bigger picture of a loving and supportive relationship that shows you’re adults.

Mine is! Genuinely every day I can't believe how lucky I am. He's kind, funny, honest, intelligent, generous, protective, loving, hard working, a wonderful friend, thoughtful and gives the best hugs. Definitely definitely wait for the right one.

@WitchWife I fall somewhere in the middle.

I always settle because I am such a loving person and I love being in a relationship. As soon as i'm single I fall for every guy I meet and think I'm in love.

Since COVID there is no dating pool. But with my work I attend a lot of events and meet a lot of people.

@gluteustothemaximus thats so lovely, where can the rest of us find wonderful men like this?

@meeeeh I hear of so many people who met in bars

@Sarahandduck18 the problem wasn't just about travel it was that he didn't want to travel to the theatre, the local beach or cinema. He would go but didn't really want to go. Adventure and exploring are so exciting for me.

@Valkadin thank you for raising about my agreeableness. I never thought that this could be something undesirable but I see your point. I can stand up for myself and can be very feisty and have a debate but only about topics I am interested in which doesn't include politics, current affairs, or anything which is irrelevant to my life. But if there are raised noises, nastiness or frustration I refuse to get involved. I was in a relationship which was a constant shouting match and ever since I have never raised my voice again, it feels like a waste of energy and so negative.

@Ginevere he sounds so wonderful

@Terracottasaur thats great advice. I am a sucker for settling. I just want ever guy I meet to be the one so I find out what I like about them and make excuses for them

@XVmama the problem is that I have had one guy who I will bite my lip but the frustration and disappointment would build. Then he would disappoint me again and I would just calmly say that I was upset. Then he would get very annoyed that I was upset and trivialized my feelings because he felt attacked. To me on bad days I don't mind a healthy forgiveness, but I also dated a guy that was so angry on bad days I just did whatever he said because I didnt want to aggregate him then slowly our relationship morphed into me doing whatever he said on the good days. I have a big personality yet I keep making excuses for and putting up with poor male behaviour. How I hear some of theses other guys described as 'never getting angry' I think I would really like one of those, is this still unrealistic?

Going in with a check list seems pretty bizarre to me - like you read too many fairy tails and you’re waiting for your a Prince Charming.

If you go in with a check list, you’re bound to be disappointed.

Just be open-minded. The right person for you might not be who you were expecting.

@TheOneLeggedJockey I have never had a checklist but I have only dated men who I have been disappointed in. Because I fall very quickly it is hard for me to identify when a guy has red flags because I make excuses for them. A checklist will help me at the initial stages stop making the same mistakes I think. Although if I meet the right guy he may not check every single box but I think it will help me stop being with guys who barley tick any

No I'm not, sorry OP but I don't believe in dream guys/girls. If there was one out there, why on earth would he be with one of us normal folk, he'd be with a supermodel astrophysicist ceo philanthropist.

However it sounds like the guys you have recently dumped were a lot worse than just "not dream guys", especially the rubbish bags guy and the sexist. So I think you've done the right thing there.