Htf do I get out of this?

[HirplesWithHaggis]

My nephew got married a couple of years ago, in a very rural location. DH and I were sharing accommodation (a holiday bungalow) with my sister and her DH, we live quite far apart and don't see each other often so that was nice... till my sister went to bed and BIL turned into an absolute drunken wanker. I have never see him like that before, and would prefer not to see him like that again. He's such an amenable chap when he's sober, a million and one red flags flying that night. My DSis seems completely unaware.

So, next year, Covid permitting, my niece is getting married in the same location. And DSis has suggested we share the same accommodation. I need an excuse not to, BIL completely ruined the day for me and I actually had several sleepless nights over his behaviour and the ramifications thereof. I almost posted a thread, my head was so fucked.

DH has offered to "make sure" he can't get the day off (he works shifts and often weekends, the wedding date is during school holidays so maybe parents of young children have booked all the time off already... ) but I'd quite like to attend the wedding, just not share accommodation. Any ideas?

Tell her that after the last time, you're uncomfortable sharing a house with BIL when he's been drinking.

Tell her no, and tell her why. Why are you protecting your BIL? I think your sister deserves to know the truth, no?

How do I even start that conversation?

Yes tell her, why should you look bad to save him from doing so?

We fancy treating ourselves to our accommodation ie have rampant sex.

@HirplesWithHaggis

How do I even start that conversation?

Why didn't you tell her when it happened? Whatever awful shit he did that fucked with your head so much probably happens to her on a much more frequent basis - why didn't you raise it with her, check she's OK?

Just say to her something along the lines of...I don't want to share again because your DH ruined it because he turned into in utter wanker after you left....

Can't you just go to bed when she does? What did he do that was so bad? If he's nice most of the time maybe it was just high emotion from the day?

"Looking forward to the wedding sis but I'd rather not share accommodation. Your OH was acting like a right knob last time we did it. Can't put up with that again. It ruined the weekend last time."

Or - don't say anything and have another ruined weekend??

She honestly doesn't seem to know, she knows he's a drinker and he himself has acknowledged he's an alcoholic. But they've been married decades, and their lives have fallen into a pattern where she goes to bed early and gets up early for work, while he sits up late and gets wankered solo, so she never sees him like that. And, like many alcoholics, he doesn't get hangovers, so he's all chirpy in the mornings.

What’s your relationship with your sister like OP?

As a PP said, if it was that awful why haven’t you raised this with her before now?

I'm sure your sister will know what her dh is like when he's been drinking. Be honest with her.

I wouldn't take it on myself to get in the middle of his/her problems. That's why I wouldn't tell her now, especially after so long.

2 ideas:

1. Book the shared accommodation but go to bed when your DSis does. Why did you stay awake with the BIL last time?

1. (Lie) say you have figured out you sleep better when not sharing accommodation with others. Blame this on 'getting older'.

Just tell her your dh has promised you a night in a posh hotel wink wink.....

I would tell her exactly why you won't share accommodations and I wouldn't mince words. Don't pander to her denial.

Tell your sister you have really bad IBS and you don’t feel comfortable sharing accommodation because of it.... people won’t pry into toilet troubles.

Just say you've already booked your accommodation.

I am surprised that so many people are keen on OP telling sister.
Who will instantly wonder "Why are you bringing this up now?! What am I supposed to do with this information?"

It might be best to be honest but I'd wager more likely it would damage their relationship & do nothing to help the sister (or OP).

Will you tell us what he done?

It seems like your DH knows what happened but is still willing to share with them? Or at least be in their company?

Have you seen him since the last wedding?

Go to the wedding but don't share accommodation. Tell sis why; her husband got drunk and spoiled it for you.

It's just a question... so say No... you prefer, if you're able to attend, get your own place this time. 🌺

My relationship with my sister isn't close. We've never fallen out and "chat" on FB regularly, but I can count on one hand the number of times we've met up (outside of big family gatherings) in the last few years. She wouldn't be my first port of call in a crisis, though I'm sure she wouldn't turn me away.

She had previously told me about the difference in bedtimes with her and BIL, and the he drank heavily, but has never mentioned any aggressive behaviour. He didn't actually become violent, nor was he a credible threat, but it really blew my mind. But she really doesn't seem to know, and if he usually drinks alone, that side of him might never show at home.

How do I say to her, hey, your dh lied to me, gaslighting me, threatened to physically assault me, breached social boundaries left, right and centre...?

(And I don't want to go to bed at the same time as her, because she's a "nice cup of tea and in bed by 11pm" person, where dh and I would like a nightcap and to relax before bed. If her dh wasn't such a prick I'd happily have sat up having a natter with him. )

I'd just say thanks but we are doing our own thing this time.

There isn't much choice of accommodation, it's a very rural area, no taxis. Last time the b&g laid on a bus for guests because most of us were staying in the same area.

Tell her the truth.