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Original poster

Htf do I get out of this?

107 replies

HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 18:37

My nephew got married a couple of years ago, in a very rural location. DH and I were sharing accommodation (a holiday bungalow) with my sister and her DH, we live quite far apart and don't see each other often so that was nice... till my sister went to bed and BIL turned into an absolute drunken wanker. I have never see him like that before, and would prefer not to see him like that again. He's such an amenable chap when he's sober, a million and one red flags flying that night. My DSis seems completely unaware. Confused

So, next year, Covid permitting, my niece is getting married in the same location. And DSis has suggested we share the same accommodation. I need an excuse not to, BIL completely ruined the day for me and I actually had several sleepless nights over his behaviour and the ramifications thereof. I almost posted a thread, my head was so fucked.

DH has offered to "make sure" he can't get the day off (he works shifts and often weekends, the wedding date is during school holidays so maybe parents of young children have booked all the time off already... ) but I'd quite like to attend the wedding, just not share accommodation. Any ideas?

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 12/12/2020 19:43

If you definitely don't want to tell her the real reason, then just be vague, tell her no thanks you'll do you own thing. Stick with that answer, and don't be drawn on it.

cansu · 12/12/2020 19:43

You have four choices

  1. Don't go to the wedding make up an excuse.
  2. Book different accommodation, further away and get a taxi back
  3. Tell your sister the real reason and risk further, perhaps pointless estrangement
  4. Share and go to bed early.

Personally, I would do 2 or 4.

rookiemere · 12/12/2020 19:46

I'm sure she has seen her DH drunk on occasion and knows exactly what he's like, so I'd just do a polite version of "I think we'll just do our own thing this time " - I'd be surprised if she pushes it.
If she does then I think I'd give her a version of the truth. " Sis thanks for asking but your DH isn't fun when drunk and I felt a bit threatened by his behaviour - didn't want to mention it at the time, but we'd feel more comfortable with our own accommodation."

Interested in this thread?

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Families Weddings
Poppinjay · 12/12/2020 19:46

Is your DSis likely to have children with this man? If so, she needs to know.

Eddielzzard · 12/12/2020 19:47

I wouldn't say anything. I would pack a little night cap for you and your DH to have in your room and go to bed when your DSIs does.

PuppyMonkey · 12/12/2020 19:52

Get another friend to book the accommodation for that night so it’s unavailable? Wink

Confusedandshaken · 12/12/2020 19:53

Text her you that you Are really excited, looking forward to the wedding etc. Then give some reason as to why you and DH want private accommodation this time, it might be insomnia, farting, snoring or just that you'd like some time on your own. That last one is true without opening up potential grounds for conflict.

HuggedTheRedwoods · 12/12/2020 19:53

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Don't listen to PPs saying you should tell your sister. She probably already knows, deep down, and is turning a blind eye. If you force her to confront his behaviour, she will turn on you, not him.

I can't see why you don't just go to bed at the same time as your DSis, as a PP suggested? Surely it's much the easiest solution? I get that you'd prefer to stay up later, but surely you can cope with one early night?

I agree the sister probably knows and sadly that's likely the real reason she disappears to bed early, to be out of his way.
houselikeashed · 12/12/2020 19:54

share the accommodation, but go to bed if things start to get out of hand.

Ginfordinner · 12/12/2020 19:55

I'm sure your sister will know what her dh is like when he's been drinking. Be honest with her.

I agree. I don’t for minute think your sister doesn’t know what he is like. That’s probably why she goes to bed early.

Just book somewhere else first then tell her that you already have accommodation sorted out. However, unlike you I would say why.

Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2020 19:56

Is there any chance he has been to rehab and got himself sorted out?

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:57

Thanks for all the input. I'm leaning towards taking dh and a bottle for an early night.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 12/12/2020 19:57

Surely there are some airbnbs locally. Say 'Oh, we found this really lovely airbnb for two'

nancybotwinbloom · 12/12/2020 19:58

Just say your using the time to have break with your fella

Don't want to be interrupted etc etc

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 12/12/2020 19:59

I agree the sister probably knows and sadly that's likely the real reason she disappears to bed early, to be out of his way

Agree and, to be clear, I'm not saying, "Your DSis is in a crap/ possibly abusive relationship, but just ignore it." I'm saying don't push your DSis to confront what's happening, if she is not signalling that is what she wants to do. If you force her to choose between you and her DH before she is ready, she will choose her DH - and probably cut you off because you have undermined her coping mechanism: denial.

Be there for her, keep up a relationship with her, but don't force a confrontation for the sake of one night of shared accommodation.

Raera · 12/12/2020 20:00

Hire a 2 person motorhome with onboard loo and shower, park at the wedding venue. It's an adventure that you and your DH have always wanted to try...

rookiemere · 12/12/2020 20:02

Actually if you can cope with being with BIL if DSis is around, maybe an early night is the best idea.

You could also make your point without saying a word about BILs behaviour. As soon as Dsis starts making any moves towards going to bed, then quickly - vey quickly- do some fake yawning and say that you're both tired and make an absolute point of leaving the room with DH at the same time she does.

If having a nightcap in your room, then don't be overly quiet about it Dsis will know what you're doing and why.

Ginfordinner · 12/12/2020 20:02

How does your husband feel about sharing with them again?

fitzwilliamsquare · 12/12/2020 20:05

I wouldn't tell the truth, not your circus, not your monkeys and just lie and say something like dh suffering from anxiety and doesn't like sharing.

ktp100 · 12/12/2020 20:07

I'd go for something like this....

We are very much looking forward to seeing you at the wedding but will not be sharing accommodation with you & DH. Unfortunately we are not prepared to go to bed early to avoid confrontation with your husband, which is what happened last time. I decided not to speak to you about that at the time so as not to upset you or cause bad feeling but I need to be honest with you now that the same situation has arisen. I was very upset by his aggressive and abusive behaviour at the last event and we will not take the risk of it happening again. I of course regret any upset this causes you but we will not put ourselves in that position again. If you wish to speak to me about this please call me.

She really does deserve the truth, OP.

fitzwilliamsquare · 12/12/2020 20:10

''She really does deserve the truth, OP.''

Wife very likely does know the truth that he has form for this if they have been married decades, surely she can't be that naïve unless it was a once off?.

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 20:12

I can cope being with BIL when he's sober, and he was for most of the wedding. It was just the last hour or so he suddenly hit the bottle, I think he drank about three quarters of a bottle of whisky in that time, as I saw him open it, and saw how much was left when we got back, though I didn't see him drink it. He gave me some and then mineswept it when I went out for a smoke, which was when the gaslighting started (in retrospect).

I do think the early night thing is the best solution. Thanks to those who understand.

OP posts:
ktp100 · 12/12/2020 20:18

Wife very likely does know the truth that he has form for this if they have been married decades, surely she can't be that naïve unless it was a once off?

I meant she deserves to know the truth of why her sister doesn't want to stay with her. I'd be really hurt if I found out my family members were avoiding spending time with me because my DH had done something horrible that had been kept from me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 20:19

@ktp100

Wife very likely does know the truth that he has form for this if they have been married decades, surely she can't be that naïve unless it was a once off?

I meant she deserves to know the truth of why her sister doesn't want to stay with her. I'd be really hurt if I found out my family members were avoiding spending time with me because my DH had done something horrible that had been kept from me.

I agree with this completely.
Haffdonga · 12/12/2020 20:19

Your sister has been living with an aggressive alcoholic for many years. Do you really think she's got now idea he can become nasty when drunk? Of course she's born the brunt of his atrocious behaviour over the years. No wonder she goes to bed early. She's already told you he's an alcoholic. She's opened up to it as much as she can.

Personally I'd say privately to her that you'd prefer not to share because of his behaviour and leave the door open for her to open up and talk more to you if she wants.