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Original poster

Htf do I get out of this?

107 replies

HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 18:37

My nephew got married a couple of years ago, in a very rural location. DH and I were sharing accommodation (a holiday bungalow) with my sister and her DH, we live quite far apart and don't see each other often so that was nice... till my sister went to bed and BIL turned into an absolute drunken wanker. I have never see him like that before, and would prefer not to see him like that again. He's such an amenable chap when he's sober, a million and one red flags flying that night. My DSis seems completely unaware. Confused

So, next year, Covid permitting, my niece is getting married in the same location. And DSis has suggested we share the same accommodation. I need an excuse not to, BIL completely ruined the day for me and I actually had several sleepless nights over his behaviour and the ramifications thereof. I almost posted a thread, my head was so fucked.

DH has offered to "make sure" he can't get the day off (he works shifts and often weekends, the wedding date is during school holidays so maybe parents of young children have booked all the time off already... ) but I'd quite like to attend the wedding, just not share accommodation. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 12/12/2020 19:17

I’m sure she probably knows anyway.

Just tell her the truth.

Ohalrightthen · 12/12/2020 19:17

How do I say to her, hey, your dh lied to me, gaslighting me, threatened to physically assault me, breached social boundaries left, right and centre...?

How can you justify not telling her!? She's married to a monster and she has no idea! You may not be close but surely you care for her at least a little?

cherrypie790 · 12/12/2020 19:18

Just be honest - "thanks for thinking of us, but we would prefer to be able to unwind on our own this time".

It's a whole can of worms to suddenly open if you've not done so before. All you can do is protect yourself from being in that situation again.

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Families Weddings
MegaClutterSlut · 12/12/2020 19:19

How far away is the location? can you not say dh has work the next day so you have to go home that night but book into another hotel

jessstan1 · 12/12/2020 19:21

@cherrypie790

Just be honest - "thanks for thinking of us, but we would prefer to be able to unwind on our own this time".

It's a whole can of worms to suddenly open if you've not done so before. All you can do is protect yourself from being in that situation again.

I think that is very sensible, book a b&b nearby and maybe make it look as if you won't be staying around as long as the last wedding.

It is a tricky situation and I feel very sorry for you and your sister. The important thing is he stays sober or reasonably so when he is with all the guests. Is it his daughter getting married?

andweallsingalong · 12/12/2020 19:21

Can't you say you're going to bed early but enjoy a bottle and relax in your room with dh after she goes to bed?

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:22

He's not being a monster to her though. She saw nothing. The wedding venue is about four hours from home.

OP posts:
tara66 · 12/12/2020 19:22

Why can't you drive and stay somewhere else over night - even if it is a long way and very rural? Tell your sister you'll book in at nearest local hotel or B and B as don't want others to rely on you for sharing accommodation because of x,y,z. If she presses you further about why - tell her the truth.

SilverOtter · 12/12/2020 19:23

I'd just say that you and your husband want to treat yourselves to dine alone time and/or you've already booked

SilverOtter · 12/12/2020 19:23

*some

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:25

Thank you, cherrypie790, there's the beginning of an idea there...

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 12/12/2020 19:25

@HirplesWithHaggis

How do I even start that conversation?
Be blunt. As the late great George Michael said “you can move your mouth forever, but the words sound just the same”.

In fact, I’d go further and say “not no, but hell no”.

Ohalrightthen · 12/12/2020 19:26

@HirplesWithHaggis

He's not being a monster to her though. She saw nothing. The wedding venue is about four hours from home.
If your husband was an abusive, scary drunk and had somehow hidden it from you, would you want to know? If he was traumatizing your guests once you were in bed, would that be OK because it didn't happen to you?

If your sister was your daughter, or your best friend, or someone you are close to, would you still be keeping this from her?

What happens if one night your sister comes down to get a drink of water and her drunk husband treats her the way he treated you? What if he already has, and she doesn't think anyone would believe her?

Talk to your sister, for fuck's sake! Stop bleating about not knowing how, and just do it.

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:27

I can't say we already booked, I only got told the date today - by this sister! It's not their daughter getting married, we have another sibling.

OP posts:
Benjispruce2 · 12/12/2020 19:27

Be very careful about what you say to your sister. I had a similar situation though it was on more than one occasion that his behaviour was appalling. I decided to be upfront with sister about not inviting him one Christmas. It didn’t go down well and they’ve not spoken to us since. 2 years ago!

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:28

What do you expect my sister to do with this information? She's not going to LTB.

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 12/12/2020 19:30

@HirplesWithHaggis

What do you expect my sister to do with this information? She's not going to LTB.
I just think it’s easier to tell the truth. Otherwise what happens in future when they want to do similar stuff?

I don’t expect her to do anything, it’s just the advantage is they don’t ask again.

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:30

That's my fear, Benjispruce2. :(

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 12/12/2020 19:32

How do I say to her, hey, your dh lied to me, gaslighting me, threatened to physically assault me, breached social boundaries left, right and centre...?

What did your husband say to your BIL when this was happening? I take it he was there?

Ohalrightthen · 12/12/2020 19:32

@HirplesWithHaggis

What do you expect my sister to do with this information? She's not going to LTB.
I'm sorry, i don't think i can engage with this thread anymore and continue to be civil.

You have no fucking idea what she'd do with the information, because she doesn't have it. Your sister is living with an abusive, terrifying man. You think that's absolutely fine, because doing something about it would be a little uncomfortable for you.

I think "give your head a wobble" is a little light here, OP, but it's as far as i can go without my comment getting deleted.

Frownette · 12/12/2020 19:33

What was he like in the morning? Did he remember?

Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:34

Yes, DH was there and wisely chose not to escalate. BIL would not have hit me, but he might have thumped a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
HirplesWithHaggis · 12/12/2020 19:36

He was perfectly chipper in the morning, and gifted us a bottle of wine he had remembered I like. None of us made any reference to the night before.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 12/12/2020 19:40

Don't listen to PPs saying you should tell your sister. She probably already knows, deep down, and is turning a blind eye. If you force her to confront his behaviour, she will turn on you, not him.

I can't see why you don't just go to bed at the same time as your DSis, as a PP suggested? Surely it's much the easiest solution? I get that you'd prefer to stay up later, but surely you can cope with one early night?

category12 · 12/12/2020 19:40

@HirplesWithHaggis

He was perfectly chipper in the morning, and gifted us a bottle of wine he had remembered I like. None of us made any reference to the night before.
He might even not remember what he did.

I think you should just say you want to do your own thing, no need to make it a big deal.

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