Htf do I get out of this?

[HirplesWithHaggis]

My nephew got married a couple of years ago, in a very rural location. DH and I were sharing accommodation (a holiday bungalow) with my sister and her DH, we live quite far apart and don't see each other often so that was nice... till my sister went to bed and BIL turned into an absolute drunken wanker. I have never see him like that before, and would prefer not to see him like that again. He's such an amenable chap when he's sober, a million and one red flags flying that night. My DSis seems completely unaware.

So, next year, Covid permitting, my niece is getting married in the same location. And DSis has suggested we share the same accommodation. I need an excuse not to, BIL completely ruined the day for me and I actually had several sleepless nights over his behaviour and the ramifications thereof. I almost posted a thread, my head was so fucked.

DH has offered to "make sure" he can't get the day off (he works shifts and often weekends, the wedding date is during school holidays so maybe parents of young children have booked all the time off already... ) but I'd quite like to attend the wedding, just not share accommodation. Any ideas?

I agree with you @Haffdonga

It's your choice but I have, on occasion, had to tell someone that whilst I like them when they're sober they are beyond obnoxious when drunk and I refuse to expose myself to that side of them. If I hurt their feelings I truly don't give a fuck because it is not me that is the problem. As long as people are too afraid to tell the truth, abusive drunks will continue to indulge in being abusive drunks.

''I meant she deserves to know the truth of why her sister doesn't want to stay with her. I'd be really hurt if I found out my family members were avoiding spending time with me because my DH had done something horrible that had been kept from me.''

I see where you are coming from but the hard truth is that people can become very defensive and unreasonable when confronted by ugly facts/truths and shoot the messenger. If it's one thing people can be is unreasonable and stubborn so that's the risk you face from telling the truth. That's why I'd avoid the drama. They can still spend the day/weekend together at the wedding but simply just have separate accommodation so it's no major difference.

I'd tell the truth. "After you'd gone to bed your husband was foul company so we'd rather not share again. We want to stay up late without worrying about something kicking off."

I'm quite sure she knows what she's married to and I highly doubt he quietly rages on his own when he's home alone with your sister. I'd be quite worried about what goes on behind closed doors to be honest.

But I also would've raised it with the "chipper" chap over breakfast the next day. And my husband probably would've punched him.

Your Dsis is well aware of what her DH is like. They have developed this bedtime routine as a way of coping . When she went to bed she no doubt thought that the 2 of you were well able for him and his drunken drivell/abuse. You cant argue with a drunk person so you wont have had the closure you needed for that night which is probably why you were left feeling unsettled afterwards. Dont put yourself in the same situation again. But I wouldnt have the conversation with Dsis. Its not appropriate at this distance.
I think just retiring before he starts serious drinking will be sufficient if he is pleasant company when not drinking.
If however he starts his old tricks again it would then be appropriate to discuss what he has done /said with your Dsis. But in a supportive way rather than combative.

If you don’t tell her and he’s abusive to her then he’s isolating her from her family, effectively.

Having been married to a man like this, it was people (police actually) telling me the truth about him that made me leave.

I would tell her what happened , and say if she ever needs you or wants to talk, you’re there. Don’t share with them. But make sure you don’t distance from her .

Maybe your husband could tell your sister? He can say you felt too awkward to say anything at the time but her husband behaved like a total dick after he'd had a few too many and he isn't keen to repeat that scenario.
Personally i'd be having that conversation with my sister myself - these things always come out in the wash in the end anyway.

Thanks again to everyone for your input. Any awkward conversations the next day would have been and will be complicated by the fact our mid-80's mum was and will be there too, and I don't want to cause her any distress.

So retiring early seems the way to go. BIL can drink himself unconscious without anyone to argue with, as he does at home.

I would say you want a romantic weekend just the two of you.

@HirplesWithHaggis i understand your reasons for wanting to not cause an issue by mentioning it. however i dont buy the "she doesnt see it" part. i imagine at home he starts drinking earlier. I would be concerned for my sisters safety and would say something from that angle. Perhaps shes embarassed / scared to tell someone and you mentioning it may make her feel she has someone in her corner that will believe her. As you say hes a lovely chap when sober so maybe she thinks nobody would believe her.

Or lovely when sober in front of others ....

Just tell her you and dh are hoping for some 'couple time' and that you're booking accommodation on your own this time round

I'm genuinely not concerned that he's a risk to my sister. I don't think she loves him any more, and yes, her early-bed habit probably started as an avoidance technique, but I don't see her leaving him now. She has complained that he's a grumpy.bugger but has never hinted at anything more aggressive than a snarl.

If you really can't tell her that her husband is a dick, why not just tell her that DH can't confirm if he is going to be able to make it or not, you will have to book something quite last minute so don't want to risk them not finding any accommodation.

I’d normally be with pp’s in agreement that you should tell her but in this case it happened over a year ago. If you tell her she’ll ask him at some point and with all that time he’ll just twist it however and she/they will probably stop spending time with you.

Just say you want time as a 2. I imagine you won’t be the first friend/relative to step back from them as a couple and I’m almost certain she is aware.

If you do get time with her alone and are talking about personal stuff you could gently ask about her and DH, perhaps suggest you’ve seen she seems down or whatever and have the convo that way without telling her about this time a year ago until she’s admitted anything about his drinking

Can’t you just tell her in a lighthearted way?
“Do you want to share accommodation again?”
“No thanks, Paul was a drunken dickhead last time! We’ll find our own place.”

Book your own accommodation and tell her you want a romantic wkend. If she pushes the point then tell her.
Don't put other people before you when they don't deserve it!

And why should you have to go to bed early because he's a twat?!

If you can’t have this conversation with her, I think it’s very likely that she doesn’t feel like she can have the conversation with you where she admits what her dh is like. I don’t believe for a second that she doesn’t know.

My dsis was entangled with an arsehole for years and a frank conversation about him has never been possible between us even now that they’re broken up. I was always waiting for the moment when she would need all the support we could muster to break free. I am certain that speaking about my suspicions would have driven her away.

In the circumstances, I’d stay with them but join your sister for a cup of tea and a chat before bed instead of staying up to drink with your bil.

I get a sense that you blame your dsis , at least a little bit, for your bil. But you had one shit evening, and she’s navigating a whole life with him. These situations are rarely simple (until you can see that they actually are and LTB but there’s a whole psychological process in that).

No, no, I'm not blaming my sister at all. I understand the dynamics, the denial, the choosing not to see, not to rock the boat. She just wants a quiet life.

Hire a campervan and spend the night in the car park. Say you are thinking of buying one and using the wedding as an opportunity to see if you would like to own one.

Id just say "thanks but we're going to get our own accomodation this time"- no explanation needed. If she pushes then say "john got a bit too drunk last time so we would rather not share."

I would definitely have told my sister at the time though.

I don't understand how you're so confident that he's no threat to your sister but you can't bear to potentially be in his company without her (and with your husband) for a couple of hours

I know the advice wrg to people in abusive rels is not to push it.
However I spent years trying to work out of it was just me or he was an abusive twat (gaslighting ) and it wasn’t until someone spelt it out to me that I finally believed it and felt that I could take action to tear apart my comfortable life. Admittedly that was a policewoman, so perhaps different.

Because there's a difference between him being a threat to my sister and being a tedious, goady gaslighter to me at the end of a long and stressful day, howmanyroads. I just don't fancy repeating the experience. So DH and I will retire when my sister and mum do, and he can get as pissed as he likes.