Htf do I get out of this?

[HirplesWithHaggis]

My nephew got married a couple of years ago, in a very rural location. DH and I were sharing accommodation (a holiday bungalow) with my sister and her DH, we live quite far apart and don't see each other often so that was nice... till my sister went to bed and BIL turned into an absolute drunken wanker. I have never see him like that before, and would prefer not to see him like that again. He's such an amenable chap when he's sober, a million and one red flags flying that night. My DSis seems completely unaware.

So, next year, Covid permitting, my niece is getting married in the same location. And DSis has suggested we share the same accommodation. I need an excuse not to, BIL completely ruined the day for me and I actually had several sleepless nights over his behaviour and the ramifications thereof. I almost posted a thread, my head was so fucked.

DH has offered to "make sure" he can't get the day off (he works shifts and often weekends, the wedding date is during school holidays so maybe parents of young children have booked all the time off already... ) but I'd quite like to attend the wedding, just not share accommodation. Any ideas?

I don't understand what you want from this thread. In your OP you said you don't want to stay with them and are looking for excuses. Lots of posters have suggested ways of declining, some of which address your BIL's behaviour, others don't, so you could pick the phrasing you feel most comfortable with and say no. However your later posts suggest you'll just go ahead with sharing again.

BIL sounds awful and I feel sorry for your sister. I agree with others that her early nights are to avoid his behaviour and she does know about it even if she is not ready to deal with it by seeking help, leaving etc. You said you are not close so maybe you would not be someone she would reach out to when she is ready to make some changes but if you think she might approach you for support it would be good to let her know you are there for her if you are willing to help.

Personally I would tell her I didn't want to share accomodation and would prefer to make my own arrangements as I didn't find it worked well last time. I would not say anything else unless she asked me why, and if she did I would tell her. But that's me and I can be a little blunt and I would probably have said something after the first time so this situation wouldn't have arisen again for me, and indeed she might not be talking to me if I had been too blunt....

I've got what I wanted, a way out of a difficult situation. I still get to go to the wedding and catch up with family (maybe even have a private word with my sister!) but by retiring early I avoid the nastiness of last time round. It's not ideal but it's only a couple.of nights.

What makes you so sure that he won't make a nuisance of himself even after you have gone to bed? And is it really fair to bring your mum into the mix?

Given that by the time of the wedding he will have had a couple more years drinking under his belt, and his behaviour will probably be even more unreasonable, I think you have made a very unwise decision to share with him again. Your poor mum.

I speak from experience.

Is there nowhere else to stay? Cosy pub? Little Airbnb?

The only alternative accommodation is a campsite with zero facilities, and there are no taxis, air b&b etc - we're talking very rural. And I'm not involving my mum, she and my sister are very close and it's mum's idea for us all to share. A kind of family get together.

And I'm not sure he won't be a pita if we retire early, but he does respect my mum enough to keep the noise down (even at his most unpleasant) so I hope he'll respect that boundary.

If it were me, and I hardly ever saw them, there'd be no messing about or sugar-coating OP, "DSis, we're going to book our own accommodation, just for the two of us, don't worry, it's nothing you've done, it's just that I can't stand being around drunken people, doesn't matter who it is, I just hate it and your DH got into a right state that last time. Not my scene. Hope we can share cabs to the reception/church etc. though and look forward to seeing you".
That's it - simple, the truth (why would a grown adult need to lie???) and you're not having a go at her DH either, you're telling her you simply don't like drunken behaviour. End of.

When is the wedding? It might not even be possible to all stay over etc. Maybe if restrictions do lift you could suggest a weekend away with just your mum and sister (any helpful birthdays coming up?!) and give her time away from BIL to open up a bit.