Private school or £250k house deposit......

[JanieBP]

For your child. Just that really. DH calculated that to send our DC the whole way through private school will be £250k EACH (including fee increases etc....they are at a private school now, but we are reconsidering). Even the most modest private secondary education is going to set you back £60k per child. Yet almost everyone I meet who went to a private school can’t afford to send their own child privately (well not without significant grandparent help). One dad said to me his aim was to make ‘happy adults’. Doesn’t every parent want happy children- Even grown up ones? As adults if they can afford to get on the property ladder and have a secure home that might make them happier than being able to reminisce about the school play, school cricket matches and match tea.......

I'm cringing so hard at the word 'elite'.

Some posters have said that this happens though, and it is certainly the perception that most people have of private education, which is of privilege, even if that is not true in real life for many privately educated people.

DH and I both went state and got good results. DH owns a very successful business now and we were gifted our first home by his parents who did the same for all 3 of their DC. It meant we have never had a mortgage and likely never will as we have the full equity of this property plus savings which are very healthy thanks to limited outgoings. We have bought all cars for cash and pre-covid have 2-3 holidays abroad a year.
In comparison, we have a friend who at 27 is still living with parents saving every penny for a house deposit. Her parents scrimped to put her through private school, she left 6th form with good a levels and works for HSBC. A good career but nothing she couldn’t of achieved going to a state school.
I would say good state school and 250k every time! The lifestyle different that can make is huge.

I'd look very carefully at the state schools in the area you are considering. I am in Scotland so we have slightly different considerations as you are generally speaking guaranteed a place in your local catchment area school. This means that in some areas house prices are inflated because the local schools are very highly regarded. There tends to be a high level of parental involvement in these schools and there are high expectations of the children. If I were in the catchment area for one of those schools I would not consider a private education. We don't live in one of those areas and have sent our DC to a state school, but are supplementing with the use of a tutor. We thought the cost of a private education was not value for money and for us this has been the more economic option.

@Jumpalicious

That's completely different. I'm not sure why you even bring it up. Oxbridge is a top university which has a competitive non-financial admissions system. DH and I both went to Oxbridge I was educated privately and DH in the state system. Yes of course going to a top university will open doors for you. Dh works in a competitive field and they never hire anyone who doesn't have a top 1st (must have graduated in the top 10 of their year) and top PhD from one of the world's top universities (Oxbridge, Caltech, MIT etc). That will get you an interview but not a job. If you're not good at your job you won't last long either. Yes having excellent academic qualifications is a prerequisite for many jobs. That's completely different from expecting to simply pay your way into a private school in order to ensure a sparkling career for an academically mediocre child.

The question was about wheher payiung for private school would open doors - thankfully that's no longer the case. Of course great qualifications will open doors for you - that's a completely different thing.

@Icenii

Think I need to start a thread on whether there are any mumsnetters with children at a bog standard state, not a 'top/ fabulous state school', with children doing perfectly fine. There doesn't appear to be any.

Mine. They went to the local school. It is good - but not special. It takes from a varied area including a big area of social housing plus swanky villages plus bits in between. I wanted that.

I was confident in my children and believe home support makes the most difference.

BefuddledPerson
Mine too. State comprehensive for eldest. 6As at A level. Choice of all medical schools she applied for.
Now probably the youngest GP in the country and very happy.

Good evidence to suggest parental influence is far greater than school influences.

@BefuddledPerson
I do believe that parental factor is more effective in many many cases. But I also think it depends on the field of study your child chooses. If your child is into hardcore science subjects and wants to go into medicine and research, it’s often a huge parental influence.
Private schools and their ‘club’ sort of mentality works more in fields that are not as skill oriented and where connections go a long way. You still have to be good but not the top student anymore because someone can make a phone call for you. I once saw a blatant example of this nepotism in my own workplace when a bulked up reference was created fir a few weeks of ‘placement’ for the children of the director for doing something that absolutely did not need doing.

If private schools only get better results due to selection of students plus parental involvement, why do the mid to top private schools still send a higher percentage of their intake to Oxbridge than really really competitive entry grammars like Reading?

My eldest is probably going to do really well in our outstanding state school, he's quite bright, very focused, likes learning and has a group of similarly geeky but friendly kids to hang out with. My dd is very bright but is also shy and daydreams a lot and is completely lost in her large and boisterous school year of 30. At the parent teacher session her teacher told me what she was up to at school... Which was something she'd taught herself for fun 2 years ago at home. I asked DD about it, and she said she didn't want to make a fuss. They talked a lot about how some of the school had fallen a long way behind their previous attainment levels in lockdown and they are focussing on 'back to basics'. She is autistic but because she is on track with school work and not disruptive, she gets absolutely minimal support.
I'm looking at private options.

Private schools and their ‘club’ sort of mentality works more in fields that are not as skill oriented and where connections go a long way. You still have to be good but not the top student anymore because someone can make a phone call for you

Did you learn everything you know about private school from books? 🤣🤣

@MrsMiaWallis

Private schools and their ‘club’ sort of mentality works more in fields that are not as skill oriented and where connections go a long way. You still have to be good but not the top student anymore because someone can make a phone call for you

Did you learn everything you know about private school from books? 🤣🤣

I work in the corporate world and so do my family. there is far too much of this going on to say this is not a pattern. The example I gave above was of an average or below average girl getting an excellent reference on her CV for doing work that my team had down already. And that is just one example. There is a reason Eton has produced more prime ministers than any other school in the country. Part of it is a natural connection you form perhaps but most of it is not. We are trying to introduce at my workplace a policy of blanking out school names and universities for all jobs, graduate-level or above. It’s an obvious pattern that I have seen and heard of and there is enough research to back it also. I don’t know why you are being snarky.

@CherryPavlova

Good evidence to suggest parental influence is far greater than school influences.

I couldn't agree more. I went to private school and did well but never achieved anything career wise as there were huge problems at home meaning I had zero guidance and support.

My school was very diverse and what has stood out the most is that virtually everyone has followed the same path as their parents. The daughter of a top lawyer is now a top lawyer. Daughter of a teacher is a teacher. Daughter of a single mum on benefits (assisted place) is now a single mum on benefits.

@CherryPavlova I have missed you on this type of tread. 6 A's at A level and top medical school - you and your fabulously talented children .

No one does 6 A levels

The children of the Dutch king don't go to private school. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me. I'd go for the deposit

[quote AliceBlueGown]@CherryPavlova I have missed you on this type of tread. 6 A's at A level and top medical school - you and your fabulously talented children .[/quote]
Yes AliceBlueGown and from a state comprehensive and little Catholic primary (well, two little Catholic primaries.

I rather think all medical schools are ‘top medical schools’ though. Even places like Hull qualify doctors who then follow the same training pathways as Imperial students.

@Saltn

No one does 6 A levels

Yes they do. Not all as a two year sixth form perhaps but where A levels are taken early for stretch. She did two at 15 (in Theology and French). Then the usual four in sixth form.

@Saltn

No one does 6 A levels

And our youngest did IB and A levels alongside and before ( but not at state comprehensive).

@Jumpalicious - there is definitely a massive push towards more state school students at Oxbridge these days. When I was there I knew only three people who had been state educated all the way. (A few had done state primary or state 6th form) Now I think it's more like 50% in both places. As it should be! (And more.)

School for us. A hand up rather than a hand out.

In my workplace we now screen out names, dates, schools, universities etc. It's all removed to reduce unconscious bias. When I think about children and what they need, I think of the below. We could send DD to a private school but have chosen not to. She isn't even in a top state school. But she is happy and well balanced and doing fine and as parents we can enrich her life.

'Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.'

I rather think all medical schools are ‘top medical schools’ though. Even places like Hull qualify doctors who then follow the same training pathways as Imperial students.
I don’t think that is true at all.
I also know of a student who did her first A-levels when she was 11 (not in this country) and her parents were very focused on ensuring their children get a well-rounded life and an active social life outside studies.
Our education system is so crap and makes us believe so little in our children that we waste a huge amount of talent at the very beginning. Parents are probably the most important factor I have seen in my career so far. Parents are well-placed to do what teachers, private or state, cannot achieve.

School

Give a man a fish you feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime
Giving your kids the best education you can afford is the latter.

@PronkWine

School for us. A hand up rather than a hand out.

I will never understand this. How is a house deposit a handout when house prices have gone up and wages have not?