DS 6 says he wishes he was a girl

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Didn’t know where to put this so it’s here in chat. I don’t want to start an argument, I just want genuine advice.

DS is 6. loves dinosaurs, maths and drawing. He is very sweet natured. All his best friends are girls. He has always liked the female characters in books and TV.

A few times he has said he wishes he was a girl. He has been asking if boys can wear dresses. Today he was a bit sad after school as it was a non-uniform day and he wished he could have worn something pretty like the girls. He wants to grow his hair longer so he can wear it in a ponytail.

I just treat all this as though it’s no big deal, like he’s just told me his favourite colour is orange. I’ve been deflecting questions like “can boys wear dresses?” a bit. But he’s talking about it more frequently and I’m not sure vague answers will keep cutting it much longer.

I don’t want to enforce upon him he is a boy, and of course boys don’t wear dresses. I don’t want to jump on the idea that he is a girl just because he has said he wishes he was. He’s only 6. I just don’t know how to deal with his questions.

Sorry OP no advice but I’m watching with interest as DD (6) says she wants to be a boy. She likes playing with dolls and arts and crafts mainly, but image wise she wants short hair and refuses to wear skirts or dresses. She says she feels like she’s different to her friends.

At that age I wanted to be a boy, they got to wear shorts to school instead of skirts. I always hung around with boys and found girls toys dull. My mum just went with it and I'm still happily female.

Have you asked why they want to be a boy/girl? Maybe that may give you some insight into their state of mind?

It's a phase. My dd's friend was insistent that she wanted to be a Pokemon character until she was at least 9 or 10.

Why can't your DS wear a dress? It's just clothes.

Sorry my point was at that age it's ok to not want to conform to stereotype. I used to regularly tell my mum I wished I was a boy and only had 'boys toys'. Dont worry about it just allow them to be who they are

He's 6, next week he might want to be a doctor/dinosaur/monkey/robot when he grows up.

I'd just let him wear a dress. It's not possible for him to physically become a girl, but you don't need to be a girl to wear a dress. Look at other cultures- men wear robes and the like all the time. It's fairly arbitrary that in our culture we've decided men can only wear trousers and shorts.

Have you talked more in depth about why he wants to be a girl? Is it just the "pretty" things? You could show him some pictures of Eddie Izzard and other like him to show that boys can wear pretty things and still be boys.

Is there something about being a boy that he doesn't like? If so, that needs addressing before discussing actually being a girl.

And the PP who says her DD "feels different to her friends": how does she know? She doesn't know what her friends feel like on the inside. She's saying she doesn't actually have much in common with them, perhaps. At school you're kind of forced into friendships with people you see everyday rather than being able to branch out and find people you have a lot of shared interests with. That doesn't diminish the friendships necessarily but perhaps your DD needs to embrace what she likes whether it's traditionally "girly" or otherwise and find new friends in new circles at Scouts or the skate park or drama group or something? That's particularly hard at the moment I know but worth looking into what she might like to be part of?

Let him wear dresses and grow his hair (and remind him that clothes and hair do not a girl make!)

By not fitting in with the stereotypical boy nature is probably making him seek change.
It is tough for gentler boys.
He will meet boys like him.
DD wanted to be a boy at 5 she loved dresses and pink she thought they'd an easier life mind you she was diagnosed as on the spectrum and out as non binary between ages 10 to 12 she is still 12 but female again I had a chat about feminism now she sees herself as a feminist she doesn't fit in with female peers but it didn't mean she had to change her ID.

@Ibuiltthiscityonrocknroll

Sorry OP no advice but I’m watching with interest as DD (6) says she wants to be a boy. She likes playing with dolls and arts and crafts mainly, but image wise she wants short hair and refuses to wear skirts or dresses. She says she feels like she’s different to her friends.

She is different from her friends. As they are all different from her. It’s called having a personality!

She seems a bit young to be asking her why she wants to be a boy but you could always deflect it by asking what she’d like to do if she was a boy, and then (when you find out it’s all things she can do/be as a girl), helping her to do/be those things.

Our nephew went through a similar phrase. He just liked girls sparkly dresses and pretty stuff. If he dressed up he was always the princess and never Spider-Man. My SIL let him dress as he liked at home and he grew out of it when he was about 7/8. He was never referred to as a girl or anything, just that he liked to dress up. I guess it was treated no different to my daughter wanting to be a unicorn and wearing that costume all the time. He is now 11 and very much a typical rough and tumble boy.

“She says she feels like she’s different to her friends.”

Don’t we all feel like that at 6? At that age I had decided that the things boys liked were superior to the things girls liked and was mimicking their behaviours. It’s an “I’m not like other girls” thing in many cases I suspect.

Tell him that boys can wear dresses and just allow him to wear what he wants. Reiterate that he is a boy, and that can't change, but that that doesn't mean he can't wear dresses or have his hair a certain way or whatever. He sounds like a lovely little boy

I’ve asked him why he wishes he was a girl and not got much of an answer (“I just like girls best” or some such).

As for wearing a dress - he’s never been into ‘dress up’ or been through the phase lots of boys seem to go through of wanting to wear princess dresses or anything. I think he wants to look the same as the girls at school - he wishes he could wear the gingham summer dresses instead of a polo shirt and shorts.

It is harder for boys I feel. DS’s best friend is a ‘tomboy’ who does go to school in boys shoes and shorts and no-one bats an eyelid. I can’t imagine the same would be true if DS turned up in Mary Janes and a dress.

At this age my son wanted everyone to call him 'Ben' (Ben 10) and would only wear a football kit even in winter. He would refuse to wear trousers!

When I was the same age I desperately wanted to be a boy. All my friends were boys, my toys were “boys”, I acted like a little boy. I used to stuff tissue down my nickers. I was very upset and confused because I HATED being a girl. I’m now 23 and happily female (my birth sex). This haunted me until I was 13. I’ve finally realised this was due to feeling like the girl I was didn’t exist. I was a rough child, I displayed the type of behaviour that was brushed off for little boys while everyone was disgusted by that behaviour from a girl. I grew up with people feeling disgusted by me because I didn’t act like my gender. My sex wasn’t the issue.

As it happens, I was friends with a boy in school who wore a dress as a young child. He was just a boy who wore a dress. He’s still Male now that he’s an adult. He just liked dresses as a kid and was a bit feminine (all his friends were girls). He’s gay, but he’s still a man!

I’m so bloody frustrated that we still can’t just say little boys can wear dresses and girls can be assertive (“bossy”) without trying to switch their genders!!

Show him a picture of Harry Styles and Noel Fielding, both are male but carry of flamboyant dress and look cool with it.

I think I'd just let him go with his preferences. I have a 4 year old D's with long blond curly hair (how he wants it's), his favourite colour is pink, his Xmas jumper is pink and sparkly (he picked it) and etc.

He also plays trains all the time, gets covered in mud, does lost of "boy typical" things. We've never stopped him doing/wearing 'girly' things. Admittedly he hadn't asked to wear a dress yet but I think we'd just go with it.

If you're worried about other student responses - and I can see why you would be - maybe explain that other people have strange beliefs about what people should and shouldn't be allowed to wear (link to story of women being allowed to wear trousers for example) and might react negatively. You could limit where he can wear them to at home/in the garden/whatever.

If he does decide he wants to be female when he's older the messages you give off now will be really important in him being able to talk to you about it. My brother didn't tell my mum until he was 18 (had known for years) and waited until she couldn't do anything to stop him because he knew she'd react negatively. Her reaction damaged their relationship to the extent that it never recovered; my mum is now dead. I'd hate for one of my children to feel like my brother did or for me to feel like my mum did (as though she'd lost a child) because I couldn't accept their right to choose something fundamental about themselves.

OP, you’re right in that generally speaking it’s more “socially accepted” for a girl to be a tomboy. Still a wee girl, no discussion of non-binary or trans, just accepted as a tomboy (and has been for a long time!).
But for a boy to dress as a girl... well, we don’t have a nice accepting “it’s a phase” word for that. Not an old-fashioned cosy word like “tomboy” anyway. It’s not his failing, though, nor should it be a problem.

My DS loved my DDs ballet tutus when he was 5/6, so he wore them. He also had a pushchair with a baby doll. He's still a boy. Boys can wear dresses if they want to, and nothing else may come of it. My youngest DD occasionally says she thinks she's a boy, but I think that comes from having mainly boys as friends and being a gamer.

Does he want to be a girl or does he want to wear dresses? The two are quite different to be honest. I've no experience in this area at all so don't take my advice but if I were you I'd be tempted to tell him boys can wear whatever they like. Get him a dress.

No worries op, your dc probably has great female role models. Plus its true that in clothing terms we have it so much less dreary! Keep doing what you're doing. You don't need to be anything other than lighthearted.

Ds1's favourite colour is orange. He's never wanted to be a girl.