DS 6 says he wishes he was a girl

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Didn’t know where to put this so it’s here in chat. I don’t want to start an argument, I just want genuine advice.

DS is 6. loves dinosaurs, maths and drawing. He is very sweet natured. All his best friends are girls. He has always liked the female characters in books and TV.

A few times he has said he wishes he was a girl. He has been asking if boys can wear dresses. Today he was a bit sad after school as it was a non-uniform day and he wished he could have worn something pretty like the girls. He wants to grow his hair longer so he can wear it in a ponytail.

I just treat all this as though it’s no big deal, like he’s just told me his favourite colour is orange. I’ve been deflecting questions like “can boys wear dresses?” a bit. But he’s talking about it more frequently and I’m not sure vague answers will keep cutting it much longer.

I don’t want to enforce upon him he is a boy, and of course boys don’t wear dresses. I don’t want to jump on the idea that he is a girl just because he has said he wishes he was. He’s only 6. I just don’t know how to deal with his questions.

Please try not to read too much into this. My DS (5) has said very much the same as yours at one point or another in the last 2 years but he spends a massive amount of time with me and his older sister so I just think that femininity is his main influence right now. His best friend at school is a girl but he does play with boys too.

I spent most of my time with my dad and brother and very much wanted to dress like a boy and do the boy stuff. I always always got on better with boys. I completely grew out of that when I reached high school.

but ultimately we’re not living in a world where anyone says that there are people who were identified as human at birth but are actually dogs.

Not heard of furries then..?

My DS has been wearing dresses and all things "girly" since he was about 4, he always preferred girls toys and anything sparkly.
He is a teenager now and still likes to dress and present as a girl.

I have never tried to stop him being himself and over time it just became the norm.
He has never said that he wants to be a girl though.
Maybe your DS just needs to express himself, going to school in the girls uniform would be a huge step though.
If he was mine I would let him wear what he chooses and allow him to be who he wants at home.
Watch and listen but at this stage I wouldn't go any further.
Just make sure he knows ho has your love and support.

Why can't boys wear dresses?

I don’t want to enforce upon him he is a boy, and of course boys don’t wear dresses.

The idea that they can't seems to be coming from you.

At that age I only wanted to wear trousers and wanted to 'be a boy', like George from the Famous Five. It passed.

Even if it doesn't, it seems like all you need to do is be a bit more relaxed about clothing options.

Some boys like playing with the girls, like to play dolls and want to wear "pretty" and "sparkle". Because of our currently very binary cultire, they then think they must/want to be a girl (and vice versa with girls). Just assure him that boys can do all those things too, get him some pink and sparkle and dolls for home and he'll almost certainly grow out of any confusion.

If society just got away from that's for boys and this is for girls, there would be absolutely no basis for the majority of people who now declare themselves to he trans because, if you listen to what people are saying, it's mostly about stereotypes and misogyny.

We dont worry about about every girl who wants to wear jeans so why worry about a boy who wants a bit of sparkle in his life?

Let him explore, dress up at home. I would also make it clear that boys can like feminine stuff and wearing dresses doesn't make someone a girl/trousers don't make a boy etc. Maybe he'll become a marvellous fashion designer! Or maybe in a few weeks he'll become obsessed with horses or dogs or trains. Just go with it.

Also, anyone old enough to remember George from the Famous Five?

Personally I'd discourage him wearing everyday dresses unless he was adamant.
There are so many sites encouraging young people to not conform to normal genders which would fine if there wasn't so much emphasis on labelling it just puts them in another box I've had 2 years of DD identifying as non binary then taking an interest in transgender she is easily taking in due to ASD.
I'd compromise with a costume dress over an everyday dress.

My dd went through a similar stage at 5/6 her fiends at that time were also boys, she called herself Sam.

Age 7 no thought of it.

@lottiegarbanzo

Why can't boys wear dresses?

I don’t want to enforce upon him he is a boy, and of course boys don’t wear dresses.

The idea that they can't seems to be coming from you.

At that age I only wanted to wear trousers and wanted to 'be a boy', like George from the Famous Five. It passed.

Even if it doesn't, it seems like all you need to do is be a bit more relaxed about clothing options.

Sorry that was rather poorly worded in my original post - what I meant to say was “I don’t want to send him a message that he cannot wear a dress because he is a boy” - so very much the opposite of how it came out!

Some Boden boys t-shirts have sequins? Could buy him a kilt?

OP what is his school environment like?

At my DS’s schools there is quite a big group of sensitive, sweet, studious boys - they all used to hug each other when your DS’s age, sent sweet little notes and cards to each other, happily wore sequin t-shirts and played with the girls. Most of them also like computer games, rugby, play fights etc now. The point is that it was easy for my sensitive, dress-wearing (at home) little boy to fit in, but I know not all school groups are the same - if the boys your DS is around are less able to tolerate what they’ve been taught are ‘girl-ish’ traits, behaviours or accessories, it would make sense that he sees more safety and companionship in the girls than the boys.

In a similar way I went to a school where being a girl overwhelmingly meant make up and boyfriends and friendship drama. I knew a girl from outside of school who happily loved maths and Latin and eschewed any attempt at prettifying herself and I was so envious of her position - it didn’t feel possible to be outwardly rejecting of beauty norms and confidently studious at my school. I felt more at home with the boys as I didn’t have to understand all the social quirks of girls with them, and I had boy friends who shared my like of trivia and remembering pointless facts about indie bands and so on. At another school though I may well have not felt I preferred boys if there had been more girls ‘like me’ to befriend.

If this is the case, is it worth exploring as many outside of school clubs as you can to find one where he feels he ‘fits’ better just as he is?

@Ibuiltthiscityonrocknroll

Sorry OP no advice but I’m watching with interest as DD (6) says she wants to be a boy. She likes playing with dolls and arts and crafts mainly, but image wise she wants short hair and refuses to wear skirts or dresses. She says she feels like she’s different to her friends.

My DD cut all her hair off when she was 6 going on 7, was bum length and she went full on pixi, her choice. She donated her hair but the real motivation was she wanted really short hair. She was living out of sports clothes, camo pants, loves sports, science etc.. couldn’t stand skirts and dresses, for school she wore boys trousers & shoes. I buy boys as they are always more sturdy and better quality than the girls ones. I even buy boys school shoes and trousers for my full on pink frilly DD. The amount of times she was referred to as a boy, she would just roll her eyes and say I’m a girl or ignore them.

Even some of her “friends” told her she didn’t seem her with short hair, she just shrugged.

She’s 8 now, happy to wear skirts for school again, but also happy for trousers, her hair is still short but chin length, not long enough to tie up. Every time it gets close she cuts it. She occasionally wears a dress but it’s all totally her choice and never anything pink and frilly, she has a camo pinafore, things like that.

Like your DD mine still likes playing with her dolls and crafts, but is just as happy playing football and digging around in mud for interesting things to examine.

I’m sure it’s just a phase.

My youngest daughter wanted to be a bus when she was little. Honestly we had to call her Bus, and at night we’d tell her it was time to go in the garage (this was her bunk bed by the way, not an actual garage). This carried on for about 9 months and then she moved on. I’ve just asked her why, and she says she has no idea, she’d never even been on a bus at this point, but it seemed like fun.

When she was at preschool she wanted to be a loaf of bread when she grew up.

My cousin was like your DS when he was little. Loved princesses, fairies, dresses and mainly friends with girls. Parents were supportive of this and let him be who he wanted to be. As an adult he is a gay man.

Let him be himself- he can wear dresses and have long hair and express himself however he wants to. He doesn’t need to change a thing about himself.

What does need changing is the narrow definition of what is deemed ‘boyish and masculine’.

Honestly at six I would just be telling him he’s a boy, but that doesn’t mean he can’t do anything he wants, up to and including typical girls stuff. If he wants a pretty dress to play in - try a charity shop. If he wants to grow his hair long - ok fine.

I would not be having in depth conversations about cross dressers or encouraging navel gazing of any description. Treat it like he’s said he wants to be Spider-Man - ok son, you can dress up as him but slinging webs isn’t a thing so sorry you can’t have that.

My son (also 6) had said similar. He's also friends with only girls and likes to wear dresses occasionally at home and to parities.

We've gone with it. We make clear that there are no girl and boy things. Only kids things that are for everyone. We've explained books of stories 'for boys' etc are old fashioned from when there were rules about what boys and girls were allowed to like but now it's different.

He seems to accept this. And has lessened his talk about wanting to be a girl. He saw a boy at a local shop wearing make up and he was thrilled.

Basically it's really helped him to know that he can be whatever he likes. There are no boy rules he has to adhere to.

The only issue is the girl/boy school uniform. But so far we've explained that trousers are more practical and easier to play in (which they are!)

Who knows what the future will bring. But so far so good. I just don't want him to want to change his body.

At my dc’s school there is a boy in year 4 (so 8 years old) who wears school dresses and Mary Janes, and has hair slides with hearts on in his long hair. He is clear that he is a boy and his friends are a mix of boys and girls.

When he joined the school, it was news for about 24hrs - “We’ve got a new boy in our class who wears dresses!” Since then, he’s known more as the boy who’s brilliant at art. His dress wearing very quickly became completely normal and accepted, and a non-issue.

There is also a girl in year 5 who wears the boys’ uniform and has short hair. Her classmates have all known her since she was a toddler at preschool, so they’ve all grown up together. Again it’s a non-issue; she’s always worn shorts and played football with the boys.

Both are completely accepted for who they are, and are popular with lots of friends. Neither has experienced any bullying.

So I don’t think it’s a given that a boy going to school in a dress will suffer for it, or that it will necessarily be a ‘big statement’. Children are, on the whole, pretty accepting.

When my eldest was 6 he was adamant to the point of tantrums that he wasn't a boy, he was a pelican. Support his feelings, but he may well change his mind...

My DD has been adamant she wanted to be a boy since she was 2. She shows no sign of changing her mind almost 10 years later.

She wears only boys clothes, has short hair and shows no interest in makeup or anything girly.

I have just gone with it. If it's just a phase - as everyone likes to say - it's a long one

I agree it is easier for girls to dress as boys. Boys dressing as girls is seen totally differently by society. Which is very unfair.

Many parents over the years have commented on DD and the way she presents herself. I'm pleased to say it's all been positive.

He's 6! Just let him dress up at home now and again. Don't turn this into a big deal.

Maybe show him some pictures of men in dresses etc? Harry Styles was on the cover of vogue in a dress recently wasnt he? I think its important to let him know that boys can wear dresses and enjoy pretty things if they like... its hard to understand that as a child because young kids can sometimes being really sexist and repressive with each other because they are working out their own concepts of gender roles..

I’d personally ignore completely and it will pass, if it doesn't and he gets to 18, crack on and get the glitter out, but my responsibility as a parent would not allow me to let them make such damaging decisions as a child.

Wearing a dress is hardly making a damaging decision.