DS 6 says he wishes he was a girl

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Didn’t know where to put this so it’s here in chat. I don’t want to start an argument, I just want genuine advice.

DS is 6. loves dinosaurs, maths and drawing. He is very sweet natured. All his best friends are girls. He has always liked the female characters in books and TV.

A few times he has said he wishes he was a girl. He has been asking if boys can wear dresses. Today he was a bit sad after school as it was a non-uniform day and he wished he could have worn something pretty like the girls. He wants to grow his hair longer so he can wear it in a ponytail.

I just treat all this as though it’s no big deal, like he’s just told me his favourite colour is orange. I’ve been deflecting questions like “can boys wear dresses?” a bit. But he’s talking about it more frequently and I’m not sure vague answers will keep cutting it much longer.

I don’t want to enforce upon him he is a boy, and of course boys don’t wear dresses. I don’t want to jump on the idea that he is a girl just because he has said he wishes he was. He’s only 6. I just don’t know how to deal with his questions.

My son took years to work out he was a boy he still wears pink has a pink cup and this year he has decided to grow his hair (he loves the hairdressers finds it soothing to get a haircut but hates waiting in a queue) he will wear a nightdress but not an actual dress

He is firmly a boy now

@PickAChew

Ds1's favourite colour is orange. He's never wanted to be a girl.

I just meant I treat a statement like “I wish I was a girl” as nonchalantly as if he’d just told me his favourite colour. I didn’t mean to imply there was any significant about liking orange.

He likes girls the best so he wants to be one. It's six year old logic, literally a developmental thought stage.

He can't be a girl, but he can definitely choose sparkly things or pink things or whatever, because those are for everybody. Wearing a dress is a decision for you to make - at home is fine, but you have to consider socially whether it will be an issue or not. I'm not saying that's fair, but ultimately he'll be living with the consequences and we can always make decisions for individual children based in idealism.

Can't always*!

I guess in terms of dresses I can talk to him about how women never used to wear trousers and people would have been surprised to see a girl dressed like a boy. But now no-one is surprised. And how now more men wear skirts and dresses but people still find me it surprising, but one day it will probably not be surprising at all.

My daughter friend has some difficulties with the same thing at the same age. He became quite unhappy. Then he found he had a passion for dance and has thrived since. He gets to hang out with the girls and wears sparkly outfits (without it needing to be girls clothes). His self esteem has been boosted and as one of the only boys his ‘maleness’ is an advantage.

I Def thomk the key qn is why?
Because Evie, Ava and Olivia are? Because they get prettier clothes? Because they can play with dollies? Because I think inside me is a girl and she's mad outside me is a boy?

Does he have a favourite character? Buy a princess or whatever dress of her and let him wear it where he wants. Explain why people might look. Take him to the shops and buy some pretty tops, or a doll (money allowfed of course)

It is a fascinating age. I think it is sensible to allow your child to explore their identity and watch it evolve. It is highly unlikely to stay static over the years and there is nothing wrong with being a gentle boy who has female friends and loves clothes.

Boys clothes can be exceptionally dull, in my opinion. Explore more exciting materials and colours, let your son have sparkles and sequins and silk. NOTHING wrong with having a huge dressing up box full of options, girls and boys clothes as well as costumes.

My DD was a dog, on or off, for several years, starting around the age of 5. She had shown signs of being a dog at age 3 and 4, but it really became a preference for her around age 6. I found it hard to understand, but she was absolutely convinced she was a dog and utterly miserable if we didn't go along with it.

Sometimes she would live at home as a dog for weeks and weeks, I tried my best to accommodate it as she was so unhappy being a girl. She spoke in woofs and informed us we would mainly need to talk to her in sentences that had a yes/no type of reply so she could give us "one woof for yes and two woofs for no". Eating was the biggest issue, as her tongue really didnt cope very well licking food from bowls. And drinking from her dog bowl was messy, but nothing a change of clothes and a towel couldn't sort out. She preferred to eat on the floor, for a period of time, but I do think she found it uncomfortable as she would only insist on it from time to time.

I was able to support her by allowing her to sleep in a "doghouse" at the weekend (den with a mattress), and she wore a leash at home made of a dressing gown cord, which she insisted I lead her round the house by. Her "dog name" was very neutral, so we could use it like a nickname in public without being "outed". She got very fast at bear-walking at home and in the park.

After several years she stopped being a dog altogether. She remembers the phase fondly and has a few times spoken nostalgically about it, but she is now happy as a girl and the idea of being a dog has completely left her mind. She is not a very "feminine" girl in some ways - she likes practical clothes she can climb trees in, wears her hair as short as I'll let her cut it, etc but she is definitely a girl.

I definitely think at such a very young age, identity is a fluid and wonderful thing, and imagination plays a huge part in it. Don't get too obsessed by your adult viewpoint on this. Let the phase happen, help support it where you can and see where it all ends up in a few years' time.

Its completely normal and doesn't need any intervention.

I'm friends with a couple whose 6 year old girl decided she wanted to he a boy called Peter.

No one hand wrung over it and we just called her Peter for 6 months until she got bored of it and wanted to play at being something else.

My son, as a toddler/pre schooler had shoulder length hair that he liked to wear in bunches, wanted his nails painted turquoise all the time! had a Baby Annabel and sparkly pink trainers. Still a boy (now a man) just not one forced to rigidly conform to stereotypes.

My niece also declared that she wanted to be a boy when she was a similar age. Turns out, she just rather liked the idea of having a willy...

It's normal. The problem is those who pretend it's a sign of something special and not just a completely normal stage of development.

If only everyone could just be there would be none of this drama and hand-wringing.

I don’t mean you, OP. More society. The conforming, stereotypes, expectations, judgment. Without it, many people would be a lot happier.

Eddie Izzard now identifies as trans. His days of believing that men can wear clothes that are stereotypically feminine and still be men are behind him, sadly.
Not a good role model for a boy who wants to wear dresses I'm afraid.
I wanted to be a boy when I was your son's age. It just looked more fun. I grew out of it when puberty started. It was sometimes distressing and difficult, but I came to accept the fact that I'm female. I'm glad I did, because if I'd been sent down the trans route, I could have been put on drugs that permanently affected my fertility and bone density 😱

I have a transgender friend. Her mum stopped her dressing as a girl when she was young. It was a different time then but it affected her deeply. One can’t say of course whether that was good or bad but I would let him wear dresses and see. It’s your only fair option.

This sounds so like my son, also six. He says he wishes he was a girl and isn’t really able to articulate why. He says he wishes he could wear the girls uniform to school.

We’ve had this on and off since he could talk and it breaks my heart a bit. I know he can wear dresses if he wants but he’s shy and sensitive and I don’t think he’d cope with the attention he’d get in a dress at school. He used to wear loads of pink and dresses when he was too little to care what people thought.

When I read through these threads it just feels like we have too much time or too much inclination to overthink everything.

I am thinking back to my own childhood, would my mum and dad have noticed I was a tomboy? would they have asked if I wanted to be a boy or wear boy's clothes? No, I was just allowed to get on with it. It wasn't over thought and it wasn't worried about. They very much got on with the hard work of paying the bills and keeping us fed and clothed.

We appear paralysed as parents now, over thinking everything and scared witless we will 'damage' our children by not doing the right thing. No wonder more and more people are choosing not to have children, the task has become sheer terror.

@Bubbinsmakesthree

I guess in terms of dresses I can talk to him about how women never used to wear trousers and people would have been surprised to see a girl dressed like a boy. But now no-one is surprised. And how now more men wear skirts and dresses but people still find me it surprising, but one day it will probably not be surprising at all.

I think that's a good approach to the clothes thing. At 6 I'd probably be adding a bit (in simple terms) about how in history some people thought men were better than women and talked a lot of others into believing it. We don't believe that any more, obviously, but some of the ideas around it have still stuck and therefore people may still find it strange or uncomfortable to see a boy wearing clothes that usually girls wear, though they don't so much the other way round. Then he'll know he may get reactions if he chooses to wear a dress.

I'd also be being clear that he can't be a girl, but he can like things that usually girls like, because actually those things are for everyone and it's only people's ideas that have made it seem like they're not.

@StringyPotatoes
Eddie Izzard has come out as a transwoman and appears to have had chest augmentation surgery and is happy to trample on women’s boundaries. I wouldn’t use this person as a role model.

I would let your ds have a dress op and try to challenge his beliefs. Odds on his desire to be a girl is superficial.

Could you review what hobbies he does?

Would he enjoy something like stagecoach musical theatre, or ballroom / disco dancing help?

At 6yo my DS drew stripes all over himself because he wanted to be a tiger. I'd treat this the same way.

If he wants long hair and princess dress up, he can have that.

My son often said he wanted to be a girl. I used to tell him he can wear dresses if he wants. He stopped after a year or so when he got to 6, and hadn't mentioned it since. My youngest daughter started begging me a short time ago to make her a boy. She wanted to cut off all her hair and wear clothes that her brother wore. When I asked her why she'd say things like her hair annoyed her and got in the way too much and that boys clothes were easier to wear. So I'd tie her hair back and let her wear "boys clothes" ifshe wanted (ie what I wore, trousers and baggy t shirts or whatever, because that's just comfy for me than dresses). Around half a year ago she was utterly sobbing at bed time, and begged me again to cut off her hair. So I asked her if she knew what fringe was. I said, I'll give you a fringe so its out of your eyes, and then let's see how you feel. She loved it instantly, and we've not heard a peep since about wanting to be a boy or cutting off all her hair. My point is, of course sometimes children truly feel like they want to be the opposite sex. But equally sometimes this passes, and sometimes it doesn't.

One of my sons wanted to be a dog. He used to crawl around barking. After months of this we discovered he just wanted to be allowed into the garden when it was raining, as the dogs were free to go in and out their flap. It might be your son has an idea in his head that girls can do something he wants to do. A lot of children do grow out confusion. The next time he says he wishes he was a girl ask him what it is that girls do that he wants to do. It might just be have a ponytail. Just tell him boys can have s ponytail too. Let him grow his hair. Show him pictures of men with long hair.

My daughter wanted to be a cat till she was 12 and acted out at school.

My grandson, 5yrs, wants to be Elsa he wore a lovely dress to his school disco. He talks about being a girl, I have told him he can do all the things girls can, he can wear whatever he wants, but he is a boy.

Show him a picture of Grayson Perry or drag artists, that men can wear dresses/women's clothes if they want, show him Scottish (or Irish) men in kilts, try to tell him we can be who we want to be, that if he wants long hair that's ok. Rather than talk of "becoming a girl" emphasise boys can do "girl things" . Just a thought, if he likes sparkle me etc how about doing ballroom dancing, the boys costumes are sparkly too.

I second the suggestion of asking what he wants to DO as a girl, and letting him do it as a boy. Buy him a gingham dress to wear at weekends, if that is what is appealing to him. Kilts are a fairly standard way for men to wear skirts...get him one for Christmas.

I totally agree that, at this age, he is expressing a preference for female stereotypes over male ones. My DS1 (10) was similar in that all his early friends were girls and his favourite colour was pink. He now still happily plays with the girls in his yr 6 class and still loves pink. He often says how happy he is to be a boy though!

I meant to say...we had quite a lot of conversations when DS was young about how there are SO many ways to be a boy. Some boys like playing football. Some boys like cooking. Some boys like ballet. Some like animals. It would be a strange world if ALL boys liked the same thing. Isn't it great that there are so many ways to be a boy (and a girl) etc. It helped him see that there was nothing inherently female about his choices (this was mainly in response to older family members saying things like 'isn't pink a girl's colour etc. DS would then just be able to reply 'don't be daft Grandad, it's a colour that anyone can like').