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Original poster

DS 6 says he wishes he was a girl

111 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 11/12/2020 22:29

Didn’t know where to put this so it’s here in chat. I don’t want to start an argument, I just want genuine advice.

DS is 6. loves dinosaurs, maths and drawing. He is very sweet natured. All his best friends are girls. He has always liked the female characters in books and TV.

A few times he has said he wishes he was a girl. He has been asking if boys can wear dresses. Today he was a bit sad after school as it was a non-uniform day and he wished he could have worn something pretty like the girls. He wants to grow his hair longer so he can wear it in a ponytail.

I just treat all this as though it’s no big deal, like he’s just told me his favourite colour is orange. I’ve been deflecting questions like “can boys wear dresses?” a bit. But he’s talking about it more frequently and I’m not sure vague answers will keep cutting it much longer.

I don’t want to enforce upon him he is a boy, and of course boys don’t wear dresses. I don’t want to jump on the idea that he is a girl just because he has said he wishes he was. He’s only 6. I just don’t know how to deal with his questions.

OP posts:
dudsville · 12/12/2020 08:10

They're too young to fully grasp how you're hearing those statements as an adult. Be careful not to make an imaginative expression into a concrete reality. When I was young I wanted to be a boy. I envied my brother's toys and opportunities, the height and strength of men. As an adult I'm very happy with myself. Children have creative minds with which to interpret their surroundings, they also engage in very imaginative play, they can be heart broken to learn they can't marry mummy or daddy, it doesn't mean what it would mean if an adult were to utter those words or engage in those activities.

Applesandpears23 · 12/12/2020 08:16

At 4 my daughter begged for really short boy hair. We checked she was sure and cut it over 3 haircuts in a few weeks so she could have bailed out. It was shocking. People thought she was a boy and she loved it. We just went with it. 6 months later she wanted to grow her hair out like rapunzel. I would say go with any reversible changes in appearance and dress and see what happens.

lemonsquashie · 12/12/2020 08:26

It's very annoying that boys are taught that they can't wear dresses and pretty clothes or have long hair

Yet girls can wear trainers and trousers and masculine clothes

Let him express himself naturally. There no shame in wearing a dress if that's what he wants

I wish society was more open and free to allow kids to be creative

CarlottaValdez · 12/12/2020 08:32

Yes I absolutely wish I lived in a society where DS could wear a pinafore dress to school instead of his trousers and that not be some enormous statement. I completely do the “boys can wear whatever they want” line but I sometimes feel like I’m gaslighting him! He’s got eyes.

Passmeabottlemrjones · 12/12/2020 09:07

@CarlottaValdez

Yes I absolutely wish I lived in a society where DS could wear a pinafore dress to school instead of his trousers and that not be some enormous statement. I completely do the “boys can wear whatever they want” line but I sometimes feel like I’m gaslighting him! He’s got eyes.
I know what you mean, it is a bit of a 'statement' and it's annoying that you can't do it without people thinking you are trying to make some kind of point about how 'Liberal' you are. Plus the only males that have overthrown school uniform policies are transgender (I'm thinking of Lily Madigan for example) rather than just 'boys who want to wear skirts.'

Having said that... My DS is 10 and is fairly gender conforming generally, into football, video games, likes his hair short etc. But he does have a slight penchant for dresses/jewellery/makeup, and the last two World Book Days he went into school in big, pink princess dresses and as far as I can tell, literally no one gave a shit, including him? He just did it.

I know it's not the same as wearing a dress to school every day (which he has not shown an interest in) but I have never even planted a seed that him occasionally liking stuff that is more associated with girls means anything other than that he likes those things, and he just seems quite matter of fact about it.

I kind of hope he becomes a bit of a flamboyant dresser when he is older! Smile

Original poster
Bubbinsmakesthree · 12/12/2020 09:15

He’s never really been into stereotypically “girly” things - his interests are generally either “boyish” or neutral (dinosaurs, transport, nature, craft) and he has never shown any inclination towards pink and sparkles.

He seems to want to wear dresses etc because that’s what girls do. Basically he just seems to like girls to the extent he wishes he was one.

I don’t think it’s necessarily any more significant than that - he just really likes girls - but I’m conscious it could be. I don’t want to overthink it, but as PPs have talked about the damage that parents’ can do in the way they approached these issues it make me want to get it right.

I know what posters who are making comparisons with their DC who wanted to be dogs are saying - but ultimately we’re not living in a world where anyone says that there are people who were identified as human at birth but are actually dogs. Not being facetious but it is a different context.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 12/12/2020 09:35

It’s an unfair world for gender specific dressing. But remember that’s only relatively recently that women HAVE been allowed to wear trousers. My mum was a teacher in the 70s and wasn’t allowed to wear trousers initially and couldn’t work when visibly pregnant.
I have two daughters and two sons. School dresses are quite impractical and my younger dd hasn’t ever worn a gingham dress but has worn skirts with shorts under so she can continue to run and climb etc.
Perhaps it’s time to speak to him about how yes the society seems to make a bigger deal about girls and how they look...but that’s not really a good thing and puts them into little boxes. Girls clothing is often restrictive and decorative which says a lot about the female role and what is deemed important.

My eldest dd wanted to be a boy and had her boy name and her hair cut age 8 ish. She is now a mum to a toddler and pregnant again so is very much a woman.

Let him wear any clothes he wants but be aware that how you look isn’t important and shouldn’t be a focus for anyone. And that girls are focussed on for looks which isn’t a good thing. He’s currently only seeing things in a positive light that actually are limiting in the long run (this pressure to be pretty)

CounsellorTroi · 12/12/2020 09:39

Tell her girls can have their short if they want. Let her have it cut.

Newwayofthinking · 12/12/2020 09:40

But children wanting to be other things is part of their imagination.

My daughter wanted to be a cat, would crawl around and make cat noises, refuse to speak. This she did at school as well as at home. She continued until she was about 12yrs.

Children lime to be other things, it's exciting and interesting, being a fire fighter, police officer, astronaut, a mum, a dad, a boy, a girl.

He can be all these things, wear all the clothes they do, but he is a boy. He doesn't need to be one way or the other in terms of sex.

Just let him be

thebabessavedme · 12/12/2020 10:01

just go with the flow and dont over think it, years ago one of my nephews, at age 5, told me he wanted 'his very own lipstick' for christmas, we have an adorable photo of him in a fairy dress and bright pink lips, he is now 6.4 and plays rugby and has a very beautiful girlfriend.

My 5 year old gds has a range of outfits, he loves his sparkly party dress which he accessories with a thor hammer Confused

ErrolTheDragon · 12/12/2020 10:03

DS’s best friend is a ‘tomboy’ who does go to school in boys shoes and shorts and no-one bats an eyelid.

This may be obvious but would a casual comment that he's wearing the same clothes as his bestie help?

It's a shame that boys are more constrained by gender stereotypes than girls when it comes to clothes (because male is the default). At 6 he's probably old enough to understand this sort of thing if you discuss it with him explicitly.

Savourysenorita · 12/12/2020 10:06

@TeaAndHobnob

Why can't your DS wear a dress? It's just clothes.
Eurgh. Don't put your son in a dress 🙈 unless you want him bullied.
Savourysenorita · 12/12/2020 10:11

My dd likes mud spiders dinosaurs and rough and tumble games. She doesn't like barbies princesses and hates dresses. She's the most feminine beautiful little girl to look at. Just not a pink girly girly. Quite pleased because I'm the same. Very feminine to look at but not in my interests! She's said the 'boy' thing. I know it's because she sees boys playing with all the things she likes so assumes she should be a boy. It's my job as an adult to educate her differently. Not all girls are 'girly' and not all boys are football playing muscle wrestling little tykes. Please don't put him in a dress as a pp suggested. It's confusing and despite all this 'Liberal' new age attitude flouted in the media- we still live in the real world and children can be cruel. It's also confusing for him. He's far too young to be over analysing his preferences for 'girls stuff'

TopBitchoftheWitches · 12/12/2020 10:13

These are normal things for young children to say.
Don't make a big deal of it.

Branleuse · 12/12/2020 10:14

Its really normal to want to be the other sex, or to be something youre not. Dont ascribe too much meaning to it.

CarlottaValdez · 12/12/2020 10:15

At 6 he's probably old enough to understand this sort of thing if you discuss it with him explicitly.

This is a good point and I think I will try to take a more complex/ honest approach. It’s hard to treat it is neutrally as him saying he’s a cat. I think maybe because he isn’t saying he is a girl, he’s wistfully saying he wishes he was.

I found something that made me (perhaps wrongly) really sad. He has an invisible ink pen that you can see under UV light. At the top of some paper in normal pen it says My Secrets and then it says “I wish I was a girl” about ten times in invisible ink.

HallFloor · 12/12/2020 10:42

@TeaAndHobnob

Why can't your DS wear a dress? It's just clothes.
Yes, you're right. If a 6yo went to school in a pinafore, he'd have lovely day Hmm
FourPlatinumRings · 12/12/2020 10:46

Eurgh. Don't put your son in a dress 🙈 unless you want him bullied.

Tbh at six I doubt he would be. Schools are incredibly hot on this stuff at the moment. There would be assemblies and PSHE lessons and all sorts- none of his peers would dare say anything to him, openly at least (and there's always one kid who drips the others in it at that age if they try to make negative comments privately too). The downside to that would be that school may take it further than perhaps they ought to in terms of labelling him as trans.

There's nothing to stop him wearing them at home as fancy dress though- he doesn't have to wear them all the time if OP doesn't think it's a good idea.

FourPlatinumRings · 12/12/2020 10:53

Yes, you're right. If a 6yo went to school in a pinafore, he'd have lovely day hmm

He probably would. If your school is anywhere near half decent there'll be no bullying at age six beyond, 'He says I'm not his friend'. At that age, anything teachers say is the gospel truth and if they say it's fine for boys to wear dresses the kids will generally accept that. My last class was seven and eight year olds and I can categorically state that no boy who turned up in a dress would have been bullied.

Woohoowoowoo · 12/12/2020 11:03

I would just buy him a dress and let him wear it in the same way you would let him wear any other dress up. In a child's eyes, being a girl is no different to being a baby, a dinosaur or spiderman.

How you deal with this now can have a lasting impact on him. You can either teach him to have the confidence to be himself, or you can teach him that fitting in and confirming is more important than him.

LynetteScavo · 12/12/2020 11:42

Aged 6 my DD was desperate to be a boy. She wished she had a willy, wanted her hair shaved (no idea why, her brothers had floppy hair) This started when she was 3 when she and insisted we called her a boys name (Stilton - I've never actually me a boy called Stilton Grin) She definitely wouldn't wear dresses, and it took a lot of coaxing to get her into her first communion dress. She very firmly told me she would never get married and wear a wedding dress, but would become a chauffeur and drive people to their weddings. Anyway, none of this actually made her a boy. She now appreciates she's a girl who doesn't like a lot of traditional girls things, and that's OK. She's very eye rolly about the many non-binary girls in her year at school.

Of course boys can wear dresses and have long hair. That's absolutely fine (unless you're some sort of dick who chooses to laugh at other people's sense of style) and it doesn't make them a girl.

user1936863452 · 12/12/2020 11:49

If you were going to do a "wind them up and watch them go" thread maybe you should have checked the latest guidance that states there is no such thing as being born in the "wrong" body (so your "people who turned out to be dogs" analogy is idiotic), and that not conforming to culturally-specific sex-based stereotypes does not make a child the opposite sex.

Your child is developing his own personality and feeling frustrated by the restrictive culture he was born into.

That's it.

ErrolTheDragon · 12/12/2020 11:56

@user1936863452

If you were going to do a "wind them up and watch them go" thread maybe you should have checked the latest guidance that states there is no such thing as being born in the "wrong" body (so your "people who turned out to be dogs" analogy is idiotic), and that not conforming to culturally-specific sex-based stereotypes does not make a child the opposite sex.

Your child is developing his own personality and feeling frustrated by the restrictive culture he was born into.

That's it.

I think the OP is perfectly well aware of those issues - unfortunately some of those idiocies exist in current society. The sensible guidance won't have percolated (or been accepted by) everyone yet. So a degree of caution is unfortunately still necessary at the moment.
CodenameVillanelle · 12/12/2020 11:57

@user1471453601

Have you asked why they want to be a boy/girl? Maybe that may give you some insight into their state of mind?
Why are you using a third person pronoun t describe this boy?
Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 11:59

It is worrying as a DM I'm sure it is a phase.
My nephew played with girls as a DC and teenager we suspected he was gender confused loved nail varnish fluffy things he still does he is gay he is 16.
I