DS 6 says he wishes he was a girl

[Bubbinsmakesthree]

Didn’t know where to put this so it’s here in chat. I don’t want to start an argument, I just want genuine advice.

DS is 6. loves dinosaurs, maths and drawing. He is very sweet natured. All his best friends are girls. He has always liked the female characters in books and TV.

A few times he has said he wishes he was a girl. He has been asking if boys can wear dresses. Today he was a bit sad after school as it was a non-uniform day and he wished he could have worn something pretty like the girls. He wants to grow his hair longer so he can wear it in a ponytail.

I just treat all this as though it’s no big deal, like he’s just told me his favourite colour is orange. I’ve been deflecting questions like “can boys wear dresses?” a bit. But he’s talking about it more frequently and I’m not sure vague answers will keep cutting it much longer.

I don’t want to enforce upon him he is a boy, and of course boys don’t wear dresses. I don’t want to jump on the idea that he is a girl just because he has said he wishes he was. He’s only 6. I just don’t know how to deal with his questions.

@RayOfSunshine2013

I’d personally ignore completely and it will pass, if it doesn't and he gets to 18, crack on and get the glitter out, but my responsibility as a parent would not allow me to let them make such damaging decisions as a child.

I agree completely. It's all very well saying 'it's cool let him wear dresses' but it's terribly confusing. Like it or not there are certain gender attributes and wearing a dress is one of them. Like it or not. Encouraging a little boy to Don female clothes is just going to get him picked on in life. If he decides he wants to dress feminine as an 18yr old - fair play to him. There's nothing wrong with that. He has maturity to counter balance opinions and understands the concept of the choices he's making better. A little child doesn't and it simply is not fair on a minor to be making 'gender statements' or challenging 'gender roles' in ways that do not understand just because the parents want to look 'new age'.

I agree completely. It's all very well saying 'it's cool let him wear dresses' but it's terribly confusing. Like it or not there are certain gender attributes and wearing a dress is one of them. Like it or not. Encouraging a little boy to Don female clothes is just going to get him picked on in life. If he decides he wants to dress feminine as an 18yr old - fair play to him. There's nothing wrong with that. He has maturity to counter balance opinions and understands the concept of the choices he's making better. A little child doesn't and it simply is not fair on a minor to be making 'gender statements' or challenging 'gender roles' in ways that do not understand just because the parents want to look 'new age'.

I disagree entirely. There's nothing about a dress that's intrinsically feminine- you don't need a vagina to wear one. In our culture we've assigned it to women, true, but go back a couple of hundred years and a girl in trousers would have been scandalous. You've got three year olds in this country being referred to clinics for gender dysmorphia because people are so obsessed with the pink/blue dichotomy. I'd say it's far healthier for a child to know that one's preferred toys or clothing do not change one's biological sex than to give the confusing message that dresses and dolls = girl.

You can always check the girls section for boyish but fun clothes. Like a sparkly dinosaur! I do get it that some girl clothes are more fun.
As a woman I sometimes wish they did the men's clothes in more female fittings.... I like their style of coats and cool tshirts

Blue with dinosaurs!! With some trousers under, why not? It's not too girlish

Or maybe your son would be very happy with princess pjs? That could be a compromise

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

My DD has been adamant she wanted to be a boy since she was 2. She shows no sign of changing her mind almost 10 years later.

She wears only boys clothes, has short hair and shows no interest in makeup or anything girly.

I have just gone with it. If it's just a phase - as everyone likes to say - it's a long one

I agree it is easier for girls to dress as boys. Boys dressing as girls is seen totally differently by society. Which is very unfair.

Many parents over the years have commented on DD and the way she presents herself. I'm pleased to say it's all been positive.

I'm 49, never wear make up, wear jeans and t-shirts, very rarely wear a dress....I'm still a woman

DD said to me loads around that age that she would like to be a boy.

What it was was that she was starting to see/realise about gender stereotypes eg pink, dresses, sparkle etc and knew that wasn't her. She is a very straight forward girl, not a princess type at all so all of that repulsed her. She always got on better and made friends with boys too, or girls similar to her that weren't "girly". She was starting to see that boys were treated differently to girls too.

I spoke to her in an age appropriate way about gender being different from biological sex, and that she could never change her biological sex.

Now she is 12, no longer says it and is fine with being a girl. Plus we can have longer more complicated conversations about the patriarchy and how she's going to be a kick ass feminist now!!

Blue with dinosaurs!! With some trousers under, why not? It's not too girlish

Yes because ‘too girlish’ would be horrible wouldn’t it? And he’s a boy so it has to be blue.

FFS.

Just let children wear what they want without all this angst.

I have a DS6 w "girly" tastes and tbh I've let him go for it except where I find it impractical eg no long hair until he stops being so stressed out getting it washed, no Mary Janes as they aren't as waterproof as full closed shoes. He rocks a tutu often.

I was surprised how much kids his age police gender expression. I saw his good (girl) friend exclude him from a role in a game because he wasn't a girl. I wonder if that's also a possibility in your case? I'd ask about how RSE is being taught in school and see if they could incorporate something against stereotyping that also addresses boys choosing more feminine things.

@VenusClapTrap it was a suggestion since OP is not a 100% comfortable with the idea. Personally I wouldn't be either but would come to a compromise. So, yes, blue, why not?! The kid apparently loves dinosaurs and dresses. And would be happy and no one would talk much because, yes, it's blue (GPs can be difficult.... and too much for someone to deal with)

My DD cut all her hair off when she was 6 going on 7, was bum length and she went full on pixi, her choice. She donated her hair but the real motivation was she wanted really short hair. She was living out of sports clothes, camo pants, loves sports, science etc.. couldn’t stand skirts and dresses, for school she wore boys trousers & shoes. I buy boys as they are always more sturdy and better quality than the girls ones. I even buy boys school shoes and trousers for my full on pink frilly DD. The amount of times she was referred to as a boy, she would just roll her eyes and say I’m a girl or ignore them.

Very similar although she never asked to wear boy uniform. She wore boys clothes, short hair, football, no girl friends and now at 15 I’m the mug straightening hair before school and buying face packs in primark. She’s still big into skating and has great male friends but she also has some lovely girlfriends and is very comfortable in her own skin.