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Original poster

Fiance still won't set a date

114 replies

Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:07

My dp & I have been together 10 years, engaged for 7 & a half years & have an 18 month old dc.
He proposed to me, with no prompting or hinting from me, it came as a total surprise.
However, when I talked to him about setting a date for our wedding, the excuses came flooding in! He'd say next year, next year & here we are 7 & and half years down the line & were still not married & again he's not willing to set a date, it's always why this year, followed by excuse after excuse! I took off my engagement ring last night & told him that there's no point in me wearing or having an engagement ring if there's no intention of us getting married.
I flat out asked him if he wants to marry me & to just be honest with me if he doesn't.
He maintains he does want to still get married. He won't give me a reason why he won't set a date, I don't know where to go from here. Please help!

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RosieLemonade · 01/12/2020 11:10

No answers but sympathy as I’m in the same boat. DP doesn’t want to get married as it would be awkward for his divorced parents who are both with someone else now. Feels wildly unfair that I can’t marry the man I love because his others broke up.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 11:12

Well, in all honesty, he has no push to have to make that commitment. You already live together and have a child together.

You could have said no to either of those things until you get married.

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:20

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz why shouldve I said no to living together & having a child, he's been dragging his feet for 7 & half years about getting married. If I'd wait for that I'd never have a child.

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Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:21

@RosieLemonade I'm really sorry you're in the same situation too 😔

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 11:22

Or he would have felt the push needed. He wants a family with you? Then he commits. Shit or get off the pot, basically.

Please tell me you have your own income and havebt given up work?

loutypips · 01/12/2020 11:23

If you were going to get married it would've happened by now.
My ex was the same - finally got him to set a date and six months after the wedding we split up.

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:25

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz not necessarily.

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Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:29

@loutypips I'm really sorry 😞 I just don't know where to go from here.

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Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:30

I don't want the same to happen to us but I feel like I've been led on for the past 7 & half years!

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loutypips · 01/12/2020 11:32

Do you NEED to get married though? It's really just a bloody expensive party in order to sign a bit of paper.
If the relationship is working and you're both happy, why change things?

Burnthurst187 · 01/12/2020 11:35

Engaged for 7.5 years is ridiculous. I think the only thing that would make sense to have been engaged for so long is if you were saving mountains of money for a celebrity type wedding in a castle and inviting thousands of guests

I think your DP has got cold feet

Bridecilla · 01/12/2020 11:39

I was in the same boat. Booked Sunday lunch at a laid back place that also does weddings. During lunch I brought it up and said "let's ask what dates they have"

He didn't shit himself so we booked it. We were meant to marry last July but had to postpone because of covid. He's in the 'not arsed' camp but actually was more interested than me when we'd actually booked.

Stradivari · 01/12/2020 11:39

Time to have a sit down adult discussion. Now is the perfect time to sod any excuses, you two and two witnesses at a registry office (because covid). Done dusted and sorted. Party can happen at a later date. Easy peasy.

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:42

@Burnthirst87 that's the thing though, we're not saving a mountain of money for a huge expensive celebrity kind of wedding. We were going to have a registry office wedding.
If he's got cold feet, I wish he'd tell me that, instead of keep leading me on & getting my hopes up.

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Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:44

@stradivari I've suggested that, all his said was next year!

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IJustWantSomeBees · 01/12/2020 11:46

RosieLemonade I'm sorry but you aren't not married because his parents got divorced.

AdventureCode · 01/12/2020 11:47

How old are you both, he may be rethinking the whole idea incase a better offer comes along.

HopeAndDriftWood · 01/12/2020 11:48

Well, if you take him at face value, he does want to marry you but is in no rush and doesn’t want to do it yet, he’s not ready, hasn’t been for seven years and doesn’t know when he will be.

If you don’t, then he’s led you on for seven years, dangling a marriage that he never intended to see through.

Either way, unless you find a way to force him into it, it doesn’t sound like a wedding is in the near future for this guy - and I don’t think I’d want to marry someone who I’d forced into it. I’d want them to be excited too.

So his position is clear. It’s your turn to decide what to do now.

RandomMess · 01/12/2020 11:49

I would just say you are organising a wedding for as soon as you can and if he isn't happy to marry you then it's clearly over.

Unfortunately you need put a line in the sand.

Sad
Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:49

@AdventureCode I'm 35 & dp is 34. Thanks, not what I wanted to hear!

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Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:53

@HopeAndDriftwood I definitely don't want to force him into it.
I really don't know what to do!

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Stradivari · 01/12/2020 11:55

Well then, you need to book it now to get it next year. To be honest, if he was unwilling to set a date next year then I would be suggesting relationship counselling to get to the bottom of it, and/or asking him to leave if being married means enough to you. And that is not to disparage your desire to be married at all. There are plenty of people out there would want to be married, and are unafraid of a woman with a child from a previous relationship. I would definitely offer your DP a chance to thrash out his reluctance before drawing a line under the relationship but only you know how far your patience has left to go after seven and a half years of delay, procrastination, hesitation etc.

cotoneaster1 · 01/12/2020 11:55

I thought you might be taking a matter of months ... 7.5 years? YEARS? And a baby? You're not "engaged to be married" so much as being taken for a mug.

WhySoSensitive · 01/12/2020 11:58

He doesn’t want to marry you. IMO.
DH was the one who arranged venue viewings and encouraged us to book where we went, because he wanted to marry me.

I think i would just book a date and tell him you’ve booked it, or tell him you’re planning on booking the date and then see his reaction. It will tell you what you need to know. And then you go from there.

AdventureCode · 01/12/2020 12:04

I say it kindly as exdp and i were together over 10 years, engaged after the first 2. And it was me who kept putting it off, saying there was no rush etc. I did love him. But if i was honest with him and myself i knew i was settling and didnt want to spend the rest of my life with him. I broke up with him this year and we are both younger than you two.

Time to ask him honrstly if he still wants to get married, a registry office can be done in a morning and cost less than £200 with only a months notice. If he delays or doesnt want to, you need to read between the lines. Sorry OP.