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Original poster

Fiance still won't set a date

114 replies

Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:07

My dp & I have been together 10 years, engaged for 7 & a half years & have an 18 month old dc.
He proposed to me, with no prompting or hinting from me, it came as a total surprise.
However, when I talked to him about setting a date for our wedding, the excuses came flooding in! He'd say next year, next year & here we are 7 & and half years down the line & were still not married & again he's not willing to set a date, it's always why this year, followed by excuse after excuse! I took off my engagement ring last night & told him that there's no point in me wearing or having an engagement ring if there's no intention of us getting married.
I flat out asked him if he wants to marry me & to just be honest with me if he doesn't.
He maintains he does want to still get married. He won't give me a reason why he won't set a date, I don't know where to go from here. Please help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:08

@WhySoSensitive then he shouldn't of proposed if he's got no intentions of marrying me!
@stradivari I've got no intention starting another relationship if me & my fiance do break up!

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 01/12/2020 12:09

Same as above - when people both want to get married, they get married.

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:11

@AdventureCode I have asked him if he still wants to get married & to be honest withe if he doesn't. He said he does! This is what I don't understand, he says he does but is still hesitant to set a date

OP posts:

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Justmuddlingalong · 01/12/2020 12:12

I know a few couple who've been engaged for an eternity. They became engaged when the man was mithered about getting married. The men agreed to get engaged to buy some time. None of the men have any intention of actually getting married.

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:15

@Justmuddlingalong Urgh! Why do men do that? If you have no intention of marrying the person you're proposing to, then you shouldn't propose at all! When you proposing & give a ring to your so, you're promising them your hand in marriage!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 01/12/2020 12:19

Because they can. You're still there, waiting to set a date. He puts up with you mentioning it every now and again, he listens, nods and says the right thing. But nothing's really changed.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/12/2020 12:19

If you have been “engaged” for SEVEN YEARS and not got married he is not your fiancé he is your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to marry you and why would he know you have dc?

Regularsizedrudy · 01/12/2020 12:19

Now*

cantwaitforchristmasyay · 01/12/2020 12:23

Actions speak louder than words.
It's clear he doesn't want to marry you because he hasn't married you.

LilyLongJohn · 01/12/2020 12:24

If he wanted to marry you he would have done. It really is that simple.

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:25

Unfortunately I think I know what I have to do!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 12:26

Some men just want the comfort of "family life". Pants washed, food sorted, someone to keep the bed warm. Not all, but some. These are the men who attempt to string women along with vague promises and platitudes.

Notcoolmum · 01/12/2020 12:27

How are your finances organised?

Book the register office for a date next year. Or at least sit with him try and agree a date for next year.

I regret getting married. However we were engaged for ages then agreed to just do it. Booked a date 6 weeks in advance and had a small and cheap wedding.

AdventureCode · 01/12/2020 12:27

Agree with @justmuddlingalong. eventually family and friends stop asking too.
I've said i still wanted to get married too OP, its hard to split up the family and be honest if there's no big moment or reason to split, especially if things are just plodding along nicely day to day.

Believe his actions, rather than his words.

wimto · 01/12/2020 12:27

Are you financially dependent on him?

I had a boss who was engaged for 10 years. Since uni, so I assume it was some kind of drunken student engagement. She was insistent about getting married before they tried for babies though so I think that’s what pushed it along.

Maybe he feels like there is no need to be married if you already have a house and baby etc?

IsolaPribby · 01/12/2020 12:28

What does he say when you ask him why he doesn't want to set a date?

Could you suggest a date, and see if he can come up with any objections, if not, start planning. I think that you do need to force his hand a bit. As a previous poster so eloquently put it, it's time for him to shit or get off the pot.

AlternativePerspective · 01/12/2020 12:28

TBH I can never understand people who are prepared to walk away from a relationship because the other person doesn’t want marriage when there is already a child in the picture.

A child is a far bigger commitment than a marriage, and yet you were happy to go through with having a child despite the fact you weren’t married.

He has no reason to marry you. You live together, you have a child together, it’s not as if marriage is going to signify the beginning of your lives together, you’ve already done all that.

Given you’re already in a committed relationship marriage is just a piece of paper which will combine your assets, this was something which should have happened before you had a baby if it was that important.

Just because he doesn’t want to marry you doesn’t mean he doesn’t still love you or want to be with you. It may just be a case of if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

I would forget about marriage ATM and be more direct and ask if he does still want to be in a relationship with you. How is the relationship apart from the lack of a wedding date?

If it’s a solid relationship otherwise do you really want to walk away from that and become a single parent just because you’re his partner rather than his wife?

What is really more important, the relationship or the marriage certificate?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 12:29

There is a financial and legal aspect to marriage, though, in addition to recognisining publicly the promise to remain together forever.

titchy · 01/12/2020 12:30

Please tell me you're sorted financially? House isn't in his name only or anything stupid like that? You both work the same hours and earn similar and share childcare costs down the middle? His will leaves everything to you? His pension is nominated to you?

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:31

I've suggested dates numerous of times but each time he shuts me down & says why this year. I think it's time to end our engagement 😢

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 01/12/2020 12:32

There is a financial and legal aspect to marriage, though, in addition to recognisining publicly the promise to remain together forever. there is, but who knows how their finances are. And again, if the financial side was important then marriage should have happened before they had a baby.

Reality is that if someone is prepared to walk away from a committed relationship where there are children in the picture purely because of a lack of a wedding date then the relationship wasn’t that strong in the first place and they shouldn’t be getting married anyway.

legalseagull · 01/12/2020 12:37

@Lovebug219

I've suggested dates numerous of times but each time he shuts me down & says why this year. I think it's time to end our engagement 😢
How can you end your engagement but not relationship? I couldn't take a step back like that. What a git wasting your life like this. How selfish of him. You can even marry him now as you'll feel you've forced/nagged him in to it
Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:41

@AlternativePerspective he shouldn't of promised marriage when he had no intention of marrying me! He shouldn't of led me on for 7 & half years!

OP posts:
Lampan · 01/12/2020 12:42

I agree with posters asking why you want to get married. Would you be financially independent without him? Who has the higher income or the most assets? It’s not nice to think in such a cold clinical way but getting married isn’t always the best idea. Marriage is first and foremost a legal contract.
If you are better off financially than him; then ask why you want to marry if you already have a child (which is a massive commitment in itself)
If he is better off financially - there is little to no benefit to him from getting married, and would explain his reluctance.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2020 12:42

Why did you not have a make or break discussion about getting married before deciding to get pregnant?

Having a baby is absolutely not more of a commitment than marriage. It’s infuriating how many people persist in spouting such bollocks. If you split up as unmarried parents he owes you not a penny more than the minimum child maintenance. If he’s self employed you won’t get that. If you split contact with your child 50/50 you won’t get that. If he owns the house and you’re not on the deeds he can kick you out in the morning.

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