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Original poster

Fiance still won't set a date

114 replies

Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:07

My dp & I have been together 10 years, engaged for 7 & a half years & have an 18 month old dc.
He proposed to me, with no prompting or hinting from me, it came as a total surprise.
However, when I talked to him about setting a date for our wedding, the excuses came flooding in! He'd say next year, next year & here we are 7 & and half years down the line & were still not married & again he's not willing to set a date, it's always why this year, followed by excuse after excuse! I took off my engagement ring last night & told him that there's no point in me wearing or having an engagement ring if there's no intention of us getting married.
I flat out asked him if he wants to marry me & to just be honest with me if he doesn't.
He maintains he does want to still get married. He won't give me a reason why he won't set a date, I don't know where to go from here. Please help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:42

@legalseagull I don't want to force him in to it. But I don't want to be strung along another 7 years either!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 12:45

A few people have ask aboutbthe financial side of things - are you able to respond? It may change people's perspective.

knittingaddict · 01/12/2020 12:47

[quote Lovebug219]@Justmuddlingalong Urgh! Why do men do that? If you have no intention of marrying the person you're proposing to, then you shouldn't propose at all! When you proposing & give a ring to your so, you're promising them your hand in marriage![/quote]
They do it because it puts you into a holding pattern. It signals commitment to you, whilst at the same time being completely meaningless. It makes the man or woman think that there is a future with this person, they let their guard down and do what married people do ie have children, but with none of the protections of marriage.

My husband and I got engaged and were married within 3 months. It's not hard if you actually want to be together as a married couple.

I would love to have a £ for every thread exactly like this on mn. I could probably afford a nice holiday by now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:48

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I'm not being rude but haven't responded to the questions about the financial side of things but I don't want to discuss it.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 12:48

Ok. You don't need to. But it does have an effect on what people would advise for your circumstances.

Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:49

@knittingaddict it's awful that men do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 12:50

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it's got nothing to do with the thread though.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 12:53

I disagree.

If you are solely financially dependent on him then the advice would be (based on other MN threads of this kind): push for marriage for financial security, find yourself a job. He could leave you at any time without a penny.

If you have your own, substantial income, own a home in your own name etc, then it would likely be more along the lines of: decide if you want to be with him, without marriage, as he doesn't seem to want it, be thankful that, if non marriage is a dealbreaker you can (if you wish) ask him to leave and suffer little financial trouble.

titchy · 01/12/2020 12:54

[quote Lovebug219]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it's got nothing to do with the thread though.[/quote]
It's everything to do with the thread... unfortunately, as I suspect you're realising, marriage isn't just about publicly proclaiming your love for someone. It balances out financial inequalities, which are usually suffered by the woman. And may well be one of the reasons your dp doesn't want to get married.

The two cannot be separated in a thread about a relationships future.

RandomMess · 01/12/2020 12:54

You need to consider why he may not want to marry?

You aren't the one
He's hedging his bets aka good enough for now
He wants to protect his financial assets

Ultimately he is happy with status quo - has a "wife and kid" without the financial legal contract of marriage...

lakesideadvent · 01/12/2020 12:56

If you are financially dependent on him to some extent then getting married is important because you have a dc.
It also could explain why he doesn't want to.

If you are financially his equal or earn more then it matters less because you need the financial protection of marriage less.

AlternativePerspective · 01/12/2020 12:58

Having a baby is absolutely not more of a commitment than marriage. It’s infuriating how many people persist in spouting such bollocks. If you split up as unmarried parents he owes you not a penny more than the minimum child maintenance. If he’s self employed you won’t get that. If you split contact with your child 50/50 you won’t get that. If he owns the house and you’re not on the deeds he can kick you out in the morning. except that when you have the baby when you’re not married you are already making the commitment to have a baby. That baby is for life. Marriage could not happen for any number of reasons then, the relationship could end or worse, the man could die, and all these things were already on the cards at the point the OP and her partner chose to have a baby.

If the commitment of marriage was more important to them for financial reasons then they would have made that commitment before they had a baby.

OP, 7.5 years ago is a long time, and tbh it’s not really something that is easy to retract. If he proposed then perhaps he really did want to marry you at that point. Then life came along, you had a baby together, and maybe it just became less important to him. But there was never going to be an easy way to say that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/12/2020 12:59

Having a baby is committing to the baby and parenting

Getting married is committing to the other person in the marriage.

So he is happy to commit to his child, but not to the mother of his child.

SVRT19674 · 01/12/2020 13:01

Look, if he wanted to marry you, he would have done. Look at action not words. No engagement should last more than two years, anything over that and they are stringing you along.
And as for those that say a kid is a bigger commitment...i have to laugh. How many men walk into the sunset without looking at their kids again, or doing the bare minimum until forced and giving just laughable basic maintenance? commitment indeed. I wanted to be married, full stop, it is a perfectly legitimate aspiration OP.

AdventureCode · 01/12/2020 13:04

OP if you are working anything less than full time and him full time whilst raising his DC your finances are very, very important.

You will be impacted massively if in the future he or you choose to end it without the protection of marriage, you will be in an extremely vulnerable place. Just take a look over on the relationship boards...

cherrypie790 · 01/12/2020 13:05

He isn't going to marry you, OP.

Only you can decide if that's something you can live with knowing.

It's actually quite cruel though to promise someone something and then backtrack. And not something you do to someone you love.

Flowers
knittingaddict · 01/12/2020 13:05

[quote Lovebug219]@knittingaddict it's awful that men do that![/quote]
Yes it is, but you don't have to be the passive recipient of behaviour like that. People like this, both men and women, only get to do what they can get away with.

It too late now, but you could have waited to have children after getting married. I would advise any woman to do that and I've told my daughters the same thing. Just as well that my eldest did because she is getting 70% of the equity and a share of the pension pot, despite her name not being on the deeds.

I married because I love my husband and wanted to spend our lives together, but there are more concrete reasons to get married too.

Velvian · 01/12/2020 13:06

Whose last name does your DC have?

knittingaddict · 01/12/2020 13:09

@Velvian

Whose last name does your DC have?
Good question.
Osteomancer · 01/12/2020 13:10

@RosieLemonade

No answers but sympathy as I’m in the same boat. DP doesn’t want to get married as it would be awkward for his divorced parents who are both with someone else now. Feels wildly unfair that I can’t marry the man I love because his others broke up.
Really?? You bought that? Putting someone else's slight embarrassment?
CodenameVillanelle · 01/12/2020 13:13

[quote Lovebug219]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it's got nothing to do with the thread though.[/quote]
It does.
If you're a SAHM or have gone part time to care for the DC then you're in a very vulnerable position.

unfortunateevents · 01/12/2020 13:15

If I'd wait for that I'd never have a child. - so you are basically admitting that you know he's never going to marry you? If you went ahead and lived together and had a child because you knew there was no point in waiting, what do you think it going to make him change his mind now??

Osteomancer · 01/12/2020 13:17

[quote Lovebug219]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it's got nothing to do with the thread though.[/quote]
It has loads to do with this thread.... if you are financially comfortable on your own, then the advice will be different

Crinkle77 · 01/12/2020 13:18

@IJustWantSomeBees

RosieLemonade I'm sorry but you aren't not married because his parents got divorced.
Sadly I agree. The two of you could just go to the registry office if you wanted.
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 01/12/2020 13:18

Why is it entirely up to him to set a date?

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