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Original poster

Fiance still won't set a date

114 replies

Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:07

My dp & I have been together 10 years, engaged for 7 & a half years & have an 18 month old dc.
He proposed to me, with no prompting or hinting from me, it came as a total surprise.
However, when I talked to him about setting a date for our wedding, the excuses came flooding in! He'd say next year, next year & here we are 7 & and half years down the line & were still not married & again he's not willing to set a date, it's always why this year, followed by excuse after excuse! I took off my engagement ring last night & told him that there's no point in me wearing or having an engagement ring if there's no intention of us getting married.
I flat out asked him if he wants to marry me & to just be honest with me if he doesn't.
He maintains he does want to still get married. He won't give me a reason why he won't set a date, I don't know where to go from here. Please help!

OP posts:
Ismellphantoms · 01/12/2020 13:22

I know you say you don't want to, it you need to book a date and tell him that you're either getting married on that date it he can jog on. Register office and two witnesses.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2020 13:24

I think you did the right thing taking off your ring. He doesn't want to get married. Perhaps it's for financial reasons I don't know. You need to decide whether to carry on as you are with little expectation of marriage or leave.

Dozer · 01/12/2020 13:26

If he wanted to marry you, he would.

V much hope you work full time and have made no work compromises that your DP hasn’t! You need to look out for your and DC’s financial security.

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Floralnomad · 01/12/2020 13:30

I’d book a date at the registry office and then say to him this is what I’ve booked - he either goes along with it or he will have to come up with a good reason why not . I also agree with pp that it’s very relevant whether you work ft/ pt as if he leaves you are stuffed if you are not married .

Palavah · 01/12/2020 13:31

although he might want to marry you to some extent, that's not enough to overcome the ways in which he doesn't want to marry you.

Could be:

  • wants to protect his financial assets
  • doesn't want to reveal his debts (do you have a rental agreement/mortgage together?)
  • already married to someone else
  • is a spy
Longdistance · 01/12/2020 13:48

He has his feet under the table, no need for him to get married.
I don’t like people that procrastinate, gets on my nerves too. Is he like this in life in general, or just this?

Pyewhacket · 01/12/2020 13:49

He doesn't want to get married but he doesn't want to lose you. However, if push comes to shove he'll go along with it but he's being dishonest with himself in doing so. That wouldn't bother a lot of women , he just needed that extra push to get him over the line but I'm not sure I'd be happy knowing it wasn't freely given.

Sloth66 · 01/12/2020 13:49

Sadly I think you know marriage is not going to happen. He’s got a good family set up without the additional obligation and legal commitment.
Really, he’s shown you what he thinks, and any attempt now to coerce him, or force the issue seems very unwise.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/12/2020 14:22

OP, he doesn't want to marry, you, if he did you'd be married already.

And if you are working less than full time, have your name on the house deeds/tenancy agreement, you are definitly vulnerable.

I left my ex after 30 years and 2 DC. Wasn't married because I bought his bullshit that everything was great and no need for marriage.

I am now having to rent, and money is tight, because of my rose tinted specs. Things are changing, but that was due to luck and nothing else.

Marriage is a protection for most women because it's usually the woman whose career gets shafted after having children, especially if the woman is SAHM. She is financially vulnerable and that's no place to be if she's the one who will be the primary carer.

So, OP, I reckon your DP is trying to string you along. After all, marriage will not be an advantage for him. He has a "wife", a child, a home life, food, laundry, etc sorted. Why would he want to get married and risk his assets?

7.5 years? He'd have married you by now if he wanted. You're not his Miss Right, just his Miss Right for now.

FredtheFerret · 01/12/2020 14:28

Personally I'd sit down and say to him I'm going to ring the registry office next week and see what dates they have available in 2021 for a wedding and book it. If you have a problem with that then you need to say so now - in which case I will be making arrangements for myself and the toddler to move out and the relationship will be over.

Notcoolmum · 01/12/2020 14:34

But the financial situation is absolutely key here. If you have taken a hit in your earnings to bring up your child then you know you are on a vulnerable position. And if he isn't stepping up to help redress that through a financial contract (marriage) then he's a bit of a twat.

If you are in a stronger financial situation then that isn't his reasoning for not getting married. So is there another blocker. Are you sure being married is important enough to you to share all assets?

What happens if one of you dies? Are you clear on next of kin, finances, pensions etc? What is your housing situation. These are all valid questions when entering a marriage. Which isn't a romantic arrangement. It's a financial contract.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/12/2020 14:41

Sadly this man does not want to marry you. He’s got what he wanted and hoped a ring would keep you quiet. And its worked for over 7 years! Fred has it right. But be prepared for him to refuse/fudge it, upon which you either walk away, or put up with the status quo. If you choose to stay PLEASE make sure you have a job/your own money etc as you need to protect yourself.

Ginger1982 · 01/12/2020 14:43

[quote Lovebug219]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz why shouldve I said no to living together & having a child, he's been dragging his feet for 7 & half years about getting married. If I'd wait for that I'd never have a child.[/quote]
But this is the problem. You've compromised on what you really wanted. I don't understand why you had a child after waiting 7.5 years after he proposed? You've given him everything and he's given nothing in return.

Thewithesarehere · 01/12/2020 14:50

[quote Lovebug219]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz why shouldve I said no to living together & having a child, he's been dragging his feet for 7 & half years about getting married. If I'd wait for that I'd never have a child.[/quote]
No one should have children without marriage. It just doesn’t work for women. For men, it works very very well as you can see.,

workshy44 · 01/12/2020 14:53

For me it would all be about the finances. Take a look at the relationship board, people often in a relationship for 30 + years kicked out with absolutely nothing. Often at a time in their life when it is v v hard to start again.
You see it all the time, people "engaged" for years on end. Women eventually gives up and ends the relationship only for the guy to up and marry someone within a v short space of time.
Don't be that mug. You are young enough the start again. Its ultimatum time, now or never. There are ZERO co habitation laws in the UK so people saying marriage is just a piece of paper and idiots, at best naïve.

Fudgsicles · 01/12/2020 15:27

Why are people advising the OP to book a registry office? He clearly doesn't want to marry her or he wouldn't keep making excuses so this is really bad advice.

I would take this decision out of his hands and just end the engagement/relationship. Why does he get all the say here.

WhySoSensitive · 01/12/2020 15:28

Because then he’ll either go ‘thank you for booking I can’t wait to marry you’ or he’ll make an excuse and it will be clear to OP (even though 7.5 years is clear eniugh) that he doesn’t want to marry her.

Fudgsicles · 01/12/2020 15:35

@WhySoSensitive

Because then he’ll either go ‘thank you for booking I can’t wait to marry you’ or he’ll make an excuse and it will be clear to OP (even though 7.5 years is clear eniugh) that he doesn’t want to marry her.
I think its very clear he's been making excuses as he always says 'next year' then it never happens and has given no actual reason as to why the delay. There is no way he's going to thank the OP for forcing something he very clearly doesn't want.
Floralnomad · 01/12/2020 15:58

@Fudgsicles

Why are people advising the OP to book a registry office? He clearly doesn't want to marry her or he wouldn't keep making excuses so this is really bad advice.

I would take this decision out of his hands and just end the engagement/relationship. Why does he get all the say here.

I don’t think the OP really wants to end the relationship though so booking it will either make him actually do it or make him say absolutely not which will then enable her to make her decision based on fact .
MrsAmaretto · 01/12/2020 16:06

Perhaps he’s mixing up the idea of “a wedding” with “getting married”? What is more important to you - a wedding party of the legal marriage contract? If it’s the legal aspect suggest to him you go sign it with registrary staff as legal witnesses. If he still says no, then you know it’s a commitment problem.

FilledSoda · 01/12/2020 16:12

There are so many threads like this.
Women living like wives and then lamenting the fact he won't make it official .
I'm sorry you're unhappy OP but you've left him holding all the cards .
You could have insisted on marriage before living together and starting a family .
You'd either be married now or have moved on 7 years ago, probably with someone who would love to be your husband.
Don't discuss your ( lack of) financial security here if you don't want to but for god's sake maximise your income and get your name on the mortgage.

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2020 16:13

He doesn't want to marry you
It's up to you what you do with this information and if you decide to stay. I would guess your child has his surname because you thought you could change your name too once you were married?

Sadhoot · 01/12/2020 16:20

How did the baby come about? I'm surprised me agreed to have a child if he's this reluctant to get married.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/12/2020 16:22

I think some see a baby as less of a commitment than marriage. It is also sometimes used as another stalling method.

FilledSoda · 01/12/2020 16:24

Also it makes the girlfriend less likely to leave .