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Original poster

Fiance still won't set a date

114 replies

Lovebug219 · 01/12/2020 11:07

My dp & I have been together 10 years, engaged for 7 & a half years & have an 18 month old dc.
He proposed to me, with no prompting or hinting from me, it came as a total surprise.
However, when I talked to him about setting a date for our wedding, the excuses came flooding in! He'd say next year, next year & here we are 7 & and half years down the line & were still not married & again he's not willing to set a date, it's always why this year, followed by excuse after excuse! I took off my engagement ring last night & told him that there's no point in me wearing or having an engagement ring if there's no intention of us getting married.
I flat out asked him if he wants to marry me & to just be honest with me if he doesn't.
He maintains he does want to still get married. He won't give me a reason why he won't set a date, I don't know where to go from here. Please help!

OP posts:

eggsandwich · 01/12/2020 16:34

I would turn it around when he says why this year, I would say why not and give me an open and honest reply after 7 1/2 years thats the least you can do so I can then get on and plan the rest of my life without you if you still maintain your not ready and I am then I need to know so I can move on and find someone who does want to marry me.

ZoeCM · 01/12/2020 16:36

Do you NEED to get married though? It's really just a bloody expensive party in order to sign a bit of paper.

It's not just a bit of paper. It's a legal contract. Of course it's written on paper -- what else would it be written on?

You don't need an expensive party. You can get married for a few hundred pounds at a register office.

Sunflowergirl1 · 01/12/2020 16:40

He won't marry you....what you should have done is at 3 years is finish the relationship. You now have a child and bugger all rights...in fact zero rights.

He doesn't value your relationship so leave him.

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popshops · 01/12/2020 16:41

Give him ultimatum, you get a registry office wedding booked as soon as humanely possible and get it done. If it's really important to you be married then don't take no for an answer.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2020 16:50

So side step him. Tell him that as he won't get married you both need to sort out your finances to put you in the position you would be in if you were married.

Tell him you will be taking financial and legal advice and the do it...

... his response will be interesting. If he is protecting his assets, pension, property etc etc, by not marrying you then he has been even more deceitful than you currently think!

But whatever happens YOU need to work out what this means for you, your future.

TillyTopper · 01/12/2020 16:53

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, it seems he's led you along if he's engaged to you, but 7.5 years later won't commit to a date for the wedding. I think this may just trundle on if you don't do something a bit drastic. Suggestions are: maybe counselling to get to the bottom of the issue? Book the date and tell him it's then or never (but you have to be prepared for the never)? Tell him you really want to marry and it's important to you so if he doesn't please say and you'll split up - but don't let him defer the date, has to be in the next month, end of?

And if the drastic action doesn't work out at least you'll know.

GrimDamnFanjo · 01/12/2020 17:07

He has no reason to marry you but if he really loved you he'd want to make sure you are legally protected.
Two women I know - one in a 15 yr relationship with 4 kids - he persuaded her they were too cool "for a piece of paper" he fucked off and actually married someone else. He refused to support her, she's lost the family home and likely will rent for the rest of her life, moving from comfortable sahm to penniless.
No 2 with partner of 26 years and two kids. He died unexpectedly and the financial implications of not being married have hit her hard. Eg the life insurance has been taxed at 40%
Again, if he loved you he would not want you to be disadvantaged because he was too lazy or disorganised to sign a piece of paper.

VodselForDinner · 01/12/2020 17:07

Why would he get married? He has all of the benefits with none of the problems. If you split, he won’t have to share any finances.

Bit of a no-brainer.

I think he all hate that horrible old phrase “why buy the cow...” but there’s truth in it.

You’ve made it far too easy for this man to be feckless.

Just be prepared that, if you do split, it’s likely he’ll be with a new woman and married pretty quickly. I’ve seen it so many times. The second woman thinks “he was leading her on for 7 years, I’ll be fucked if I let him get away with that” and sets him straight on expectations ASAP.

For next time, remember that if you’re good enough for a man to treat you like his wife, you’re good enough to have the legal and financial protection that comes with the title.

Now please tell me you’re financially independent, work, contribute to your pension, and have your name on the tenancy agreement/mortgage.

vanillandhoney · 01/12/2020 17:10

If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married.

Men who want to get married to someone don't stall for seven years.

sosotired1 · 01/12/2020 17:15

I would just draw a line in the sand and say I want to be married by the end of this month/January/some other near date because the implications of not being next of kin/inheritance/your security if you are widowed etc. are even more important in this year of all years.

Then book the registry office. If he won't then marry you then you have your answer... and can make other plans... which could include accepting he will never marry you and staying with him... in which case you do need to sort out you financial affairs for all the reasons other PP's have given.

WhySoSensitive · 01/12/2020 17:17

That’s my point! OP has said he shouldn’t have proposed if he wasn’t going to marry her!

I think as a bunch of strangers here we can acknowledge he’s not going to thank her - but if it was me I’d force an action. Either marry me or it’s over really.
(I wouldn’t just cancel the ‘wedding’ and accept this is my life now)

Twizbe · 01/12/2020 17:35

I'm sorry but he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want you to leave.

Sakura7 · 01/12/2020 18:56

Sorry OP. I've been with a man like this who strung me along for years. Never again.

You have to take the power back or this will just break you down. Tell him you're done waiting, and that if he really wanted to marry you he'd have done something about it by now. Either he commits or it's over, anything else will involve you living in limbo until it inevitably falls apart. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth with these types of men.

On the plus side, after my dead end relationship finished I met a man who is so much better suited to me than my ex, who loves me and wants to commit to me. The break up was hell but I'm so glad it happened, as it freed me up to be with the right man.

You deserve better OP, go and get it.

lockupyourcinammon · 01/12/2020 19:08

He doesn’t want to marry you, simple as that

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