I don't want those days to have gone- kids growing up

[AFingerofFudge]

I've just randomly been overcome with sadness and tears when I glanced at DS1's old room where there's a photo montage of photos from him growing up that we made for his 18th (he's 21 now).
I'm totally not a crier and DH gave me the side eye when I appeared in our room crying.
I just don't want those days to have gone. I want him to be 2 again. Even 18 or 20 years ago standing freezing in the park while they went down the slide for the 50th time, even then I knew that I would miss those days and one day would be snivelling over old photos.
Anyone else get sad about their kids growing up or is just me?? I never knew I had the tears in me!!!

Yes @Sara2000 I agree - I had a boyfriend when I was about 18 whose mum was so involved with his life whereas my parents were out having fun with their friends, and it felt like quite suffocating to be that “mothered” at that age. I remember she wanted to come and look at Unis with him while the rest of us were off having a great time exploring the country, popping into pubs and really being excited about the first steps into independent adult life.
My mum said that her mum was quite protective and she always felt guilty about leaving her on her own (her dad died when my mum was little) and she always wanted to make sure that I didn’t feel responsible for her feelings.

I totally get it OP. My two DS’ are 19 & nearly 18, where do the years go? I miss them being little too.

I have enjoyed every minute & would do it all again in a heartbeat if I could, it’s the most wonderful journey.

I am just hoping that in the future DH & I can be supportive grandparents.

People always tell you how quick their childhood goes, but you really don’t believe it, you think it will last forever, and sadly it doesn’t.

There's also a poem called the Akaroa Cannon by Pam Ayres that makes me howl. It's about her little boys that are now grown up and the sense of loss that she feels.

It's not so much about them physically leaving home; mine are both still at home; it's about them changing and not being "there" anymore. As a PP said, I'd give anything to go back 15 years. I never feel broody in the sense that I want another baby but when I see women with young children I feel envy because I want my young children back. I want to say to them - enjoy these days because theyre gone in a flash - but it just sounds like such a cliché so I never say it but I'm thinking it.

Yes, hate to say it but McDonald's win the sentimental Christmas ad campaign this year.

My DS is only 4 and I had a hard time with him as a baby but i look back with rose tinted glasses as he seems so big now.

He also has some special needs and 2 years ago I was terrified of his future and what that might mean for him. If he grows into a happy, independent adult I'll be thrilled and not sad about it as that's what you want for them.

Ok, i'm going to be the one dissenting voice( puts on hard hat). I dont miss the growing up bit at all. I have 3 adults now( well, two in late 20's and 19year old DS) and things just get better and better. They are independent, articulate, self sufficient. I enjoy going out with them and seeing them forging careers, having partners, travelling etc. No tantrums, no whining, no bums to wipe...its all good. And a hug from 6 foot 3 DS is still as nice as a cuddle from a snotty toddler!

[quote Sara2000]@missrks. Honestly, it's great. DH and I go off for long walks which there is no way we could do with the DCs in tow. Not without a lot of whining. Once coronavirus is a distant memory I think we will be having leisurely coffees and going shopping in markets. No parties, no playdates and no babysitters to rush back to. Woo hoo. [/quote]
can’t wait!

Daylight Robbery

Silent as cut hair falling
and elevated by cushions
in the barber's rotating chair
this seven-year-old begins to see
a different boy in the mirror,
glances up, suspiciously,
like a painter checking for symmetry.
The scissors round a bend
behind a blushing ear.

And when the crime's done,
when the sun lies in its ashes,
a new child rises
out of the blond, unswept curls,
the suddenly serious chair
that last year was a roundabout.

All the way back to the car
a stranger picks himself out
in a glass-veiled identity parade.

Turning a corner
his hand slips from mine
like a final, forgotten strand
snipped from its lock.

Sorry, tried to add this poem but the paragraphs have disappeared. That always seems to happen on my phone.

@Oblomov20

Goodness. I don't feel like this at all. All the posts feel very alien. I'm very much looking forward to helping Ds1 go to uni. Helping him choose and pack. I'll know I've done a good job. I find most MN'ers obsessed with their dc, and living through them. Rather than the parental job of loving and guiding a child to adulthood. I honestly fear I'm got some sort of gene missing.

I wanted to write what you wrote, but was afraid of coming across as rather heartless. I sometimes think I am missing a gene. I have felt so tempted on many occasions to tell the summer sobbers to get a grip, but would never do so.

Our children will, hopefully, become independent. As parents we need to be independent as well and not rely on our children.

I would like to add this:

Teenage hell

You have been warned

@FPS123

Anyone else a blubbering wreck at the McDonald’s Christmas advert?

Yes, I literally sobbed in the car park while waiting to pick DS up from school! DS is changing so much 😭. He started secondary school this year and we’ve moved to a new build estate with lots of children where he’s got himself quite the gang of mates. He’d much rather hang around with them (when allowed) than us which is understandable really but makes me sad. This is our first year without Santa or the elves as well. DS is very excited though so I guess it’s trying to change what we do to appeal to him.

I don't "live through my children" at all. But when they're little their lives are a huge part of your life so it's inevitable that you'll feel a degree of loss. Some people obviously feel it more for whatever reason. No need to turn it into a competition about parenting skills 🙄

I think the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
There are lovely lovely things about them growing up, and I feel more myself, I’m clearer stronger
But I still miss them being little

To be honest, when they were younger it felt as though it was lasting for AAAGGGEEESSSS!!!

Not looking forward to no2 leaving home though. No 1 leaving home isn't so bad.

My dd is now nearly 30 and a mum herself, She is my friend now in way that dcs cant really be when you are bringing them up iyswim? She says she now understands what I meant when I used to say 'I'm your mother, not your friend' when she was pushing bounderies.

Now I have the pure delight of my dgs, he shouts 'NANA' with real excitment when I pick him up from school, that dear little hand finds mine as we walk along chatting about the lunch he cant remember eating ('there was sauce' is as good as it gets') we practice phonics and say rude words and laugh like drains and I let him have a sweetie before tea I feel a knot in my stomach to think of him getting older, the thought of not having spontanious cuddles breaks my heart but if I look at the wonderful, clever lovely woman my dd has become I feel it will all be ok.

I should not have read this thread! I’m crying and I don’t cry.
Hope you’re feeling better OP.

Wow I’m sitting her sobbing at the thought of my baby growing up and she’s 4 weeks old! Also have a 2 year old and it’s made me realise I need to properly cherish him rather than wishing he’d be a bit more independent - he’s still my baby 😭

Me too.

Dd is 14. She was mad for Jellycat’s. She has loads. Most of them are now mixed up with the dust bunnies under her bed. Sometimes l rescue them.😥like the abandoned doll in Toy Story. I miss my squidgy little girl. It was my birthday yesterday. A few years ago she would have been kissing me and telling me she loved me. This year she made me a cake and made me laugh. But l still miss her. I get jealous when l see parents with children at infant school. I want to go back there.

Ds is 26. He was an adorable sunny natured little boy. He’s still the same now. But he’s not little anymore😥

They are both delightful people now. But they aren’t little any more.

This will make you proper cry😈

Wow I’m sitting her sobbing at the thought of my baby growing up and she’s 4 weeks old!

Me too, over my eight-weeker (my last-chance youngest DC, a decade younger than the eldest).

Just think what the alternative is to your kids not growing up, being frozen in time, and then you might stop being so ridiculously sentimental and actually cherish the time as it passes and relish the future your children have ahead of them.

My god I think these threads must be so horrendous for those who are bereaved.

Feeling fine this morning!😃 And it's fine to feel as I did. As @RickOShay says, the two aren't mutually exclusive; I can be happy for the person they're becoming and feel sad at the things left behind.

And yes @AnnaFiveTowns you're right. We're all different, we all feel things in different ways and that's ok, it doesn't mean I'm trying to live through my child.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince don't get me started on the cuddly toys. DS1 & 2 had just a few cuddly toys (DS1 took his special one with him when he moved out ) but god help me when DS3 grows out of his. He's always been a fan of cuddly TY beanie boos (the ones with the big eyes) and also inherited from the older two so he has a massive collection. And a good few years ago we started doing "stories" with them, a few at a time, where I think up a story/adventure and act it out with them. We've done hundreds over the years and it gradually slowed down and now we tend to do one at the weekend. But I know he's getting less interested and yes, that's ok, it's natural. There'll still be a part of me sad when I look back on them.
Funnily enough though a few weeks ago he got really upset one night out of nowhere about the fact that one day he won't want stories and will his "friends " be sad?
Before anyone jumps on me - no, I didn't join him in his sentimentality, I reassured him that it would be fine with them. And I didn't get upset!!

Not everyone thinks like you though😞that’s your take on it. But it’s not everyone’s.

@justanotherneighinparadise yeah thanks for that. Like I said, I can feel sad and still cherish the thought of all that is to come. "Do not regret growing old, it is the privilege denied to many". Yes these threads are horrendous to some who are bereaved. I am one of the bereaved. . But I pick and choose which threads I get involved in.
Let's not attack each other's feelings. There is no right and wrong in this, we all feel our way through parenting hoping to get it right, knowing we'll get bits wrong, and (certainly in my case) hoping I don't load them with my baggage. I know how to act appropriately with my children, but occasionally I lose it in private and that's is ok.

You’re right, neigh, but it’s natural for people to feel this way.

My heartache is a bit of both.

I loved the early years me. I did make the most of it. Which was always my intention. I think it's something I'm good at.
I'm not sure I'm as good when they get older.
I do miss the early years and I wanted to have another baby and I'm jealous of other people who have another child to go through it again with