So sad

[Elfingbell]

Last year I felt I had it all - loved my job, bought my first home with the man I loved and had dd, then:
We get hit with astronomical fees for 24hr fire watch in our apartment block. My partner left me for another woman when dd was a few months old. Covid saw me working from home and looking after DD I wasn’t performing at my best and have now lost my job.
I’ve spent 90% of my savings and this week will move back to my hometown and move in with my mentally ill mother.
I’m returning the keys to my apartment to the bank which means I’ve lost my deposit money but frees me from the mortgage, repossession wasn’t far off anyway.
I know I’m lucky having somewhere safe to go and some savings but I’m just so sad that It’s come to this.
I’m not looking for sympathy or advice I just needed to write it down.

Bluntness I strongly disagree with your statement that OP can have a relationship with both BM and SM.

First, because what is BM contributing positively to OPs life? Nothing from the sounds of it.

Second, I doubt BM would allow it. If she gets any hint that OP is warming towards SM she will go ballistic and demand that OP provide proof of total loyalty.

OP may be best served by playing nice with BM until she can move out and then cutting ties going forward.

Disagree all you like, the op might wish a relationship with both

At least you have seen the truth now. It will be a long process to rebuild relationships. You caused a lot of hurt. It started as a child but continued until you were 31.

You will need to go no contact with your BM for you to start a fresh life.

@Ironingontheceiling

You don’t need a narrative coming from anyone else to know it was you who did it. Not at 20 and not at 30 either.

You did those things. You weren’t a conduit for anyone. You did them. By yourself. As an adult.

All that love for your child but you kept it up all since and didn’t even allow your dad to share photos of your dd. That’s on you.

Yes it is on me and I feel awful about everything I’ve said and done, I hold my hands up to being a complete and utter cow on every level. I was a spoilt brat who became an entitled and self absorbed adult, I own my mistakes and only want to atone for what I’ve done. If that means that only dd is welcomed by dad and stepmum then so be it, I will have to live with that and just be happy for dd.

@MadeForThis

At least you have seen the truth now. It will be a long process to rebuild relationships. You caused a lot of hurt. It started as a child but continued until you were 31.

You will need to go no contact with your BM for you to start a fresh life.

I think you’re right about me going no contact with bm because I’m not as strong as my sisters and don’t know if I ever will be. It’s going to be really hard for me as I already feel guilty for swanning off to London and leaving my sisters to deal with bm.

I’m just in awe of my dsis, bm phoned this morning and was crying because she " wanted to put a tree up for dd" but needed our help because she’s "too frail" to do it on her own. My dsis just said "your an independent single female and went for a six mile ramble on Friday so I’m sure you’ll manage"
I’ve just avoided ever answering back or going against her wishes out of fear of what might happen (and a desire to please).

My dsis just shrugged and said she doesn’t want a tree up for dd she just wants us there so that she can pretend to be ill and have us do her bidding. She phones bm two or three times a week and sets a ten minute timer, she also goes and unpacks her weekly supermarket delivery but waits around the corner so that she arrives as the shopping does and leaves as soon as it’s done, she says she does it to save the neighbours doing it.

The key with your BM is that get to a point where you aren't bothered about having a relationship with her and realising that she desperately still wants want one for her warped PD reasons (possibly narcissistic).

The makes it easy to do as you please because you don't care if she has a tantrum and cuts you off. Your BM will realise that and therefore behave herself to an extent.

One of my friends has a similar BM once the unpleasantness starts (botching about someone for example) she just goes I'm off the bye and walks out!!!

@Bluntness100

Op, no growing up you treated your bm like the saintly one and your step mother like the enemy. Now you have switched the women in the marrative

And it’s a lot longer than eight years. You’re thirty one now. It’s nearly double that. You’ve definitely changed the narrative to it all being your birth mothers fault. Even classifying yourself as her weapon of delivery.

This is understandable at 14. Not at 30.

I was going to skip replying to your post but if I can’t face criticism then I’m going to fail. I don’t think I’ve switched the women in the narrative, I’ve posted comments given by other family members and given a couple of first hand accounts of my relationship with her. I think it’s going to be really hard to develop a relationship that has any degree of closeness going forward because I kept my appalling behaviour up into my 30’s. If I get to the point by next Christmas where I’m welcome in her home it will exceed my expectations.

I just want to wish you luck OP. It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you. But you just might find yourself happier than you ever thought possible along it. I definitely second (or third) getting a therapist

I've such a similar mum. It hit me all over again in lockdown when I couldn't get any therapy but the audio book Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride helped me so much if you have a chance to listen. Take care.

No advice to give @Elfingbell but I just want to give you my best wishes for the future. Your SM sounds like an amazing woman, as do your family, please forgive your DF too

@VioletMottershed thank you so much, I can’t tell you how much it means knowing I’m not alone on this journey. I thought I was the only one but the evidence of toxic parenting is everywhere if you just take the time to look.
Thanks for the book recommendation.

Op I must admit I was really appalled by your earlier posts but I have to say it takes courage to break away from how you've always behaved towards your SM and your ssiblings.

You've been abandoned then manipulated by your BM your whole life, trying to be loyal to her and taking your feelings out on your SM...it must have been a really crap time for all of you.
I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh on you. Yes you behaved appallingly, you kept it up well into adulthood but perhaps they had a trauma free upbringing or have different personalities. I don't read your post as 'It was all my mother's fault'.

The main thing is that you have woken up and see yourself with different eyes and trying to make amends and work on yourself.
I hope your Christmas will be a truly happy one.

Best of luck op ❤️

@EffYouSeeKaye @ursuslemonade Thank you both very much

I’m back at bm’s house now and have tried to just keep busy, I’ve hand washed a few bits for dd, cooked tomorrow nights tea and told bm that I have jobs to apply for, need to register with Dr, dentist, phone recruiters so I’ll either be looking after dd or making phone calls. I was actually shaking while I said it but luckily I was holding dd so I don’t think she noticed.

She did turn the water works on when dsis dropped us back but it was dd’s bedtime so I made it last for a long time by which time she had moved on and was having a migraine.

I've just read the whole thread Elfing. Ultimately you were brain washed as a child and whilst it's right that you are accountable for your actions as an adult, they stem from your childhood. It may actually be easier for your SM to forgive you than your Dad. She sounds like a wonderful person with a huge capacity to love who only ever tried to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Your Dad is going to have to confront his own feelings of failing you as a parent as well as his DW and the other children and that might all prove to be too much for him.

I think you have done the right thing for now in giving him time to process. If you ignore his wishes it will look like you have learned absolutely nothing. Establishing a relationship with siblings is a step in the right direction and all you can really do on that front for now.

Getting away from your toxic BM is the right thing to do. Getting some help for yourself to be able to process your entire life is really important. I wish you all the very best. Take one step at a time and look after DD and yourself - you have had an awful year and there's still many mountains to climb. Take care

@TheTeenageYears. Thank you so much, your message is lovely

How's it going op? I've read the whole thread and I think you're amazing for facing things. You've taken the first few steps on a really hard journey. Whatever the catalyst was for you recognising a need for change, it's happened now and provided you with great insight and self reflection. Keep going op, your family obviously love you very much.

Thanks, it’s been an utterly exhausting day, I couldn’t sleep last night and bm has been full on batty today, she got angry this morning because dd dropped a half chewed piece of toast on the kitchen floor, she has stupid fluffy rugs everywhere and started screaming at us because dd had ruined her favourite rug.
Dd was terrified because she’s never seen anyone shout like that before.

Anyway rug cleaned and she eventually got over it but I went up to our bedroom first and calmed dd down. Bm said that dd has to eat in the bedroom from now on if she’s going to make a mess, I’m dumbfounded because she’s 17 moths old and it makes me wonder if she shouted at me like that.
Bm has hounded me all day "what did you talk about to dsis, has she spoken to stepmum, is she going to see them at Christmas"

I’m starting to doubt myself now, the place I’m moving to on Wednesday belongs to my step brothers best friend, I have agreed to house sit for him, look after his cat and keep an eye on his uncle who is shielding and lives on the same road. The good bit is he doesn’t want any money but I feel odd about the fact that it was B who put me in touch with him.

Why are you doubting yourself? Surely after today you know that 100% DD needs out of there urgently??

A house and cat sitter costs ££££ helping out someone else as well - that is a fair/reasonable trade you can always leave some £ towards utility bills.

No Elfing don't do this. Do not sabotage yourself when you're so close. It's scary because it's new, you've never defied or lied to BM like this.

Your DB loves you enough to find someone to help you. Aside from all the moments when you were a shitty sister you must have been something else too. You must have shown them love too and now you're willing, they're giving it back.

Take your baby away fr your abusive mother before she stops being scared and being screamed at is normal / she never dares do anything wrong because she's too scared to breathe.

Two more days. Two days of head down, then she's off Nordic Walking and you can get your baby somewhere safe.

Thank you, I feel so pathetic for being so weak, today she’s made me feel like that frightened little girl who just wanted to make her happy and believed 100% that if I could get rid of stepmum we would be a happy family again.

Not that I can remember her being with my dad - I have some hazy memories but I’m not sure if they’re imagined or real.

These are the moments to reach out on here or to your sister or write down how you are really feeling.

I can't spend time around my parents because all the trauma comes flooding back, it's a typical response and one that with therapy you will hopefully overcome

My little stepsister has been emailing me, she keeps sending me photos of holidays and family bbq’s, birthdays with lovely messages pointing out that I look happy and relaxed and like the real me. She really impresses me, she’s so sorted despite her dad passing away when she was a baby, despite being the youngest and as she says geeky and a bit odd and despite me picking on her mercilessly. I’ve also found out that she’s hoping to get married next year.

I still haven’t heard from my dad and tonight, right now B and S are talking to stepmum and telling her that I’m at mums and that I want to apologise to her. But more than anything I want dd to have a relationship with her and her cousins and aunties and uncle.