My 13 yr old son hit me this morning

[Joynot]

Mainly because he didn’t want to go to school and I was tickling him to get off the couch

8 punches on my arms
I walked away

He then said I had no friends and I’d wasted my life

I’ve talked to his school about his behaviour, I self referred to cahms 2 weeks ago after he hit me.

What do I do?

Tickling a 13 year old to get him off the sofa may not be the way to go. That's really an interaction you'd have with a much younger child. You could step back and look at how you deal with him and how you can tweak that as he gets older.

Hitting you is inexcusable. As is insulting you. What consequences have you given him for that?

Hopefully camhs can help with advice based on their assessment. Teenagers can be really challenging.

Is this the first time? Teen emotions can be highly volatile. Being angry and saying rude things is (unfortunately) normal teen behaviour. Hitting is not. Explain that if he hits you, or anyone else, again EVER it is assault and he can get into big trouble, and not just taking away phone etc - police trouble.
Sending you support. I hope it gets better

Yeah don't tickle him fgs.

He lashed out to get you to stop.

He has struck you previously, though, can you analyse why?

A book recc - the explosive child by Ross Greene.

I hope you're okay.

I hit the last person who tickled me, it was the only way to get them to stop as the tickling meant i couldnt get enough air in to speak!

It seems to me like you violated his personal space in a way that meant he couldn't get you to stop, so he had to be physical with you, and the whole thing made him angry and so he lashed out verbally.

Unless there's a huge drip feed coming here, referring to CAMHS for what was essentially self defence is a huge overreaction. He's 13. Not 3. Don't tickle him without his consent.

My daughter, now 19, has been aggressive to me many times, the last time being about ten days ago when she got very drunk, kicked me repeatedly, bit me, and smashed the laptop.
She was already on a restraining order for a previous assault on me earlier this year and this time was sent to a youth offending institution for 20 weeks, which appears to have been a huge shock to her.
She’s adopted and has lots of issues - that is an explanation for some of her behaviour but I won’t let it be used as an excuse. And we had years of camhs and I can’t see that it made much difference.
Anyway, your son has assaulted you twice in a couple of weeks and this needs stopping now before it gets more serious - and before he gets bigger and stronger. I really would be considering contacting the police at this stage. At least telling him that next time you WILL contact the police and he is very likely to be arrested and spend a good few hours cooling his heels in a cell.
Look after yourself because have no doubt that this domestic abuse and it is very hard. But my view is that I wouldn’t put up with being knocked around by a man and I won’t put up with it from my kid either.

Oh I see the victim blaming has started already...

He did it a couple of weeks ago
I bought that book and another one. I’ve read nothing helpful so far.
I’ve told him it’s assault and it’s really serious

He just doesn’t want to go to school for no other reason than it’s boring

He loves tickles normally
I was trying to lighten the mood

I don’t know what the punishment is. I could take away his phone and Xbox. But then he has nothing to entertain himself and will literally be sitting on me

He has serious behaviour problems, I haven’t just called cahms because I tickles him and he hit me

Ffs
I am at rock bottom with his behaviour
I actually want to die

You do have to have consequences for his actions though, I totally get that taking electronics away punishes you too (I have a 15 yo) but that's tough luck I'm afraid.

Have you spoken to school about potential school refusal? It's much more common than you think.

Have you called social services or the police?

@Ohalrightthen He punched her 8 times and it's not the first time he's done it. That isn't excusable as self-defence from a 13 year old.

I think the police might be the way to go. Get help asap, op. Do you have support from a partner or family and friends? Wish I could help x

CAMHS is a mental health service.

Punching someone is not generally a mental health problem.

Hitting you was wrong but tickling is torture! I am non violent by nature but I would kick someone really hard and scream blue murder if they tickled me.

I bet he was sorry afterwards.

I see you say he has form for violence. He obviously needs help with his temper but please, whatever you do, don't goad him.

@PaddyF0dder OP has said she contacted CAHMS over his other behaviour problems, not because of one instance of hitting

Is he being bullied? He doesn’t want to go to school, punched you the said you have no friends and your life amounts to nothing. Could those be the very words and actions of the bullies that he is then acting out with you? I think it needs some investigating. He seems very unhappy at school.

I’ve been there - unhappy child, school refusing, violent. There were problems with school. She’s grown out of it now - and isn’t at that school any more. It will get better but by God it’s hard. Don’t listen to the victim blamers.

I wouldn’t call the police on my child. Not unless your life is in danger. It doesn’t help things if they are sucked into care or detention centres. Just my personal opinion. They need to be listened to and to be loved. CAMHS is very variable. Can be good if you’re lucky.

@PaddyF0dder

It’s usual for a kid to do that so could be due to mental health.

@Joynot

I would call my sons GP, I would call social services, I would call my sons school- ask to speak to the safeguarding lead or head of inclusion, or head of house.

Being punched 8 times is NOT a proportionate response to tickling 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like this isn't the first time either.

What will CAMHS do? I'd be telling the so and so that behaviour isn't going to be tolerated and I'd be threatening about going to the police.

I guess the people who’ve not been there don’t understand. Often it is because of a mental health problem - anxiety or depression. Giving the “so and so” a ticking off in these circumstances can be counterproductive. Maybe the “so and so” feels pretty bad about them self already and maybe that is why they are lashing out?

Oh, OP this sounds so hard.
And sad.
None of us ever think that this can happen.

Is there ANY possible reason for his behaviour?

Is there a Dad involved? If so how does he handle this?

It does sound as if you need professional help.

I am not sure that punishments help in this sort of situation. My instinct is always to pull them closer let them know they are loved and that we need to be able to treat each other kindly, and be honest about what is going on.

How was his behaviour before he went to secondary school? Is it puberty / hormonally based?

Is he ever reasonable with you?

Sending and

I used to lash out (verbally, not physically) at my Mum when I was 13. Said truly horrible things, behaved very badly, ruined family meals, slammed doors. I really have no idea why I did it, and I felt upset with myself and lonely in my own emotions, just because of adolescence.

The tickling is a red herring honestly.
His behaviour has been going downhill for a while. His school have referred him adhd and he has recently been diagnosed with mild dyslexia, which affects his organisation, his schoolwork is all over the place. He has an academic scholarship and is very bright. But he doesn’t respond to any punishment or sanctions. HE doesn’t care

There was a bullying situation in school, which we worked through, the school know about and he says that situation is ok now.

I thought we were getting back on track with school, but He had two days off waiting for Covid test after a cough and he just thought I let him have another day.

Ok, back to basics.

Consequences - no devices for a week. If it happens again, Xmas presents are going back to the shop. And mean it.

Supporting - healthy diet, plenty of veg, home cooked stuff, no takeaways, reduce processed food and sugar
- check he has no specific reason to avoid school, homework, bullying etc. Ask for an explanation.
- Everyone have an early night.
- Next morning, wake him up 15 mins early so he can wake up slowly.
- Remove the TV remote so no TV before school.

And repeat. It'll be hard work for a while but don't give an inch.

What's his sleep like?

If you don't already have it in place, set a no-tech rule overnight.

Have his phone/tablet/laptop on charge in your bedroom overnight (My teens gave form for fetching their phone in the middle of the night if it's on charge in kitchen etc).

If his Xbox is in his own room, remove the Wi-Fi router overnight so that he cannot use broadband.

Taking steps to improve my teenage son's sleep made a big difference to his aggression.

Surely part of the issue is that you don't have clear consequences so that both of you know what will happen when rules are broken or behaviour is unacceptable. Hitting is never OK but also you seem worried about what happens if he's bored with it tech. Have you asked for parenting support? Its important that you have good strategies to use and support to