My 13 yr old son hit me this morning

[Joynot]

Mainly because he didn’t want to go to school and I was tickling him to get off the couch

8 punches on my arms
I walked away

He then said I had no friends and I’d wasted my life

I’ve talked to his school about his behaviour, I self referred to cahms 2 weeks ago after he hit me.

What do I do?

Why are some people so stupid and ignorant on this forum ?

So tickling someone warrants 8 punches in the arm!?! Morons

I hope CAHMS is able to help OP

@Joynot you say he's been referred for an ADHD assessment, doesn't react in NT ways, is really bright, wants to sit wedged up to you (sensory input) and resists all demands.

I may be a million miles off the mark because nobody can diagnose other people on the internet from a few posts BUT this is ringing a lot of bells for a form of autism called PDA. It's often overlooked because children with PDA are more surface-sociable than other children on the spectrum.

If he does have PDA then the lashing out is an anxiety fight-or-flight response.

There are techniques you can use to improve things, based around reducing demands, compromising as you would with an adult, and when you do have to impose demands, using language that doesn't trigger that response. It might be worth looking at and the PDA Society have some good resources here: www.pdasociety.org.uk

Nurture is the sole reason children turn into prick teenagers.

Were you poorly nurtured Fabby or is there another reason children turn into prick adults who leave snide unsupportive comments for desperate mums reaching out for help?

@FabbyChix

Nurture is the sole reason children turn into prick teenagers.

Strongly disagree. Not all behaviours are caused by external factors. I assume you mean nurture in the widest context not the parental context.

PDA is what I have wondered about with my DS too, LauraMipsum. Once when he was in a rage smashing up the house and kicking the bannister over and over again so much that Ithought it wouldcollapse and fall down the stairs, I threatened to call the police, as suggested by some other posters, but in DS's case, that made his rage even worse. So I have wondered that ever since.

He was assessed by different paediatricians for autism twice when he was younger, but both times, they said he was borderline.

@FlibbertyGiblets

Yeah don't tickle him fgs.

He lashed out to get you to stop.

He has struck you previously, though, can you analyse why?

A book recc - the explosive child by Ross Greene.

I hope you're okay.

Thank god you're not raising him, because you'd probably tell him it was okay to physically assault people, and he'd grow up to do it too.

Thanks for that Fabby, very helpful

LauraMipsum- that pda stuff is very interesting

He will do the most bizarre things to delay doing something, even stuff he wants to do.

It’s so simplified to solely blame parenting when there are so many external and biological factors that play their part.

Perhaps for some ‘prick teenagers’ you can absolutely blame it on some really shitty parenting. But personally I can tell you both my children have been parented exactly the same with zero upheavals but one is a pacifist, the other a terrorist . That’s just personalities. Now it’s up to me to parent those personalities to try and create adults that don’t do jail time. Hence me asking for help.

@FabbyChix

Nurture is the sole reason children turn into prick teenagers.

If you're who I think you are, aren't you a teacher?

Terrifying.

So many replies on this thread have annoyed me but @catspyjamas123 takes the biscuit for her comments that she wouldn’t call the police on her child unless her life was at risk...and they need to be listened to and loved.
You really have no idea how it feels to be in that situation catspyjamas - or what you’d do if it was you. You seem to be saying you’d let your child use you as a punchbag indefinitely while continuing to love them and listen to them. Take it from me, you wouldn’t be doing them any favours because sooner or later they’d become aggressive with someone else and then find themselves either coming off worst or in prison for it.
As the Chinese proverb says, don’t judge me till you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.

@Joynot

Thanks for that Fabby, very helpful

LauraMipsum- that pda stuff is very interesting

He will do the most bizarre things to delay doing something, even stuff he wants to do.

Bizarre procrastination techniques are one of the hallmarks of PDA so that sounds VERY familiar.

If you are on Facebook the PDA Families & Practitioners group is useful, if only for the solidarity.

I have been there and I listened and in the end I discovered the reason for the behaviour. Maybe you just see a yob but in my case I was being attacked by an outwardly very sweet girl who behaved perfectly at school. Same school that was distressing her. Actually a lot of things were troubling her. The more she faced iron sanctions the worse she became. Luckily most sorted now. How would a young offenders’ centre or whatever have helped? She would have been introduced to the real troublemakers.

I'm there with you OP they are trying at the best of times! Mine laid into me a few months back.... it was awful I was in bits
I just can't relate to him anymore... and he's got worse not with hitting but general abusive behaviour and just being awful 😞
I feel for him and his hormones etc , I wouldn't want to be a teenager again.
But it's a nightmare ☹️

I have twins with PDA, spd and ADHD and I think it Def sounds with looking into PDA and spd for him. The techniques recommended cannot hurt if he is nt but will help if PDA is a factor

You won't punish him because he'll practically be sat on you! You need to follow through with punishments take his phone and Xbox away now!

Blues- of course I’ll be punishing him.
I’m just saying that taking away his forms of entertainment brings other problems.

I read somewhere that boys have to 'break' the relatship with Mum at some point as they move into manhood. So perhaps the being friends is not now the best way to be.
When I arranged private tuition with a couple of retired teachers for DS st 15 he magically started to work at school- the intense one to one tuition was hard. Better to work at school.
Perhaps that might work for your DS.
another one is to suggest finding a new school - ime NO ONE wants to change schools.

What are the consequences to this behaviour?

I have 2 adult children. The one and only time my daughter hit out at me I'm afraid I smacked her back - she was 14 . I smacked her on the leg . It hurt . She realised it hurts to hit and never ever did anything like that again .

In my working life I see lots of unruly children. One young man decided he would talk to me just how he talked to his mother , ie - like shit .

I don't think he had ever been stood up to .
I told him straight what would happen if he ever spoke to me like that and I made him apologise to his mother . I also explained that if you assault people you get arrested, and exactly what that means . Hours in a cell. Alone . With adults shouting, swearing, drunk . Custody is a scary place to be for the first time.

Incidentally I was in interview with one such young lad who kicked off .
The solicitor shouted at him as if he was some father figure . My god that boy with adhd and autism and lots of other things that had excused his behaviour till the. Sat down and shut up .

Now I do have an adult son with autism. It was never an excuse to behave in a way that will not be tolerated in the big wide world .

Sometimes kids need a bloody hard shock . Consequences. Not apathy and giving it over to another agency. CAAMHS are like my arse . I found them useless.

Don't be his friend . Be his parent . He will be your friend later .

@catspyjamas123

I guess the people who’ve not been there don’t understand. Often it is because of a mental health problem - anxiety or depression. Giving the “so and so” a ticking off in these circumstances can be counterproductive. Maybe the “so and so” feels pretty bad about them self already and maybe that is why they are lashing out?

This, I used to get bad behaviour from my son when he was in fight or flight mode due to school based anxiety.

Removal from the unsuitable school and medication for the anxiety and the behaviour has completely gone.

My loving little boy is back.

Behaviour is a form of communication in a teen we should assume there is an underlying reason and try to sort it before criminalising them.

OP, I would give him space. Don't send him to school if he's not coping. Call a meeting with the SENCO , he's already known to camhs so school should be aware.

All the best.

@catspyjamas123

I have been there and I listened and in the end I discovered the reason for the behaviour. Maybe you just see a yob but in my case I was being attacked by an outwardly very sweet girl who behaved perfectly at school. Same school that was distressing her. Actually a lot of things were troubling her. The more she faced iron sanctions the worse she became. Luckily most sorted now. How would a young offenders’ centre or whatever have helped? She would have been introduced to the real troublemakers.

Totally agree, our situations sound similar, glad you are sorted now.

My son was diagnosed with autism and anxiety and depression while his behaviour was like this, his behaviours have now improved because we've made changes.

Sadly too many youngsters with mental health issues and / or autism end up in the criminal system rather than helped properly.

Parents seem too scared to lawfully chastise their kids these days .
Trust me . They need boundaries, rules and consequences! Feral kids turn into feral adults and society doesn't make excuses for them . There is a reason lots of prisoners have special needs . Step the fuck up and parent . Or don't t have children. Sorry but that is the harsh reality.

There is a reason lots of prisoners have special needs

What is the reason?

@Ohalrightthen what a load of bollocks. The language you use is ridiculous, mumsnet at its finest.

I know it's an unpopular opinion but if my dc at 13 did that they'd be getting hit back. I don't think it's healthy for children to think they can physically overpower their parents.

They have additional needs but think they can simply do what they like because of that .
They have no boundaries. They get away with everything within their family unit .
And then - they try it outside the family unit .
And get a shock .

I'm not hard faced at all. My heart honestly aches for some of these kids /adults . But they got no favours from family who simply allowed this behaviour with them - before they find out it doesn't wash with wider society.

Discipline your children. Teach them what's acceptable and what's not .
A lot of the kids I see have really weak parenting.

They NEED boundaries. They NEED discipline to stop them getting into real shite later with society that doesn't take excuses like adhd or autism or pda or oppositional defiance disorder or anything else you can label .

Once kids get to 18 and carry in this behaviour they get locked up , put before court and processed/convicted.
Do them a favour before that happens and if need be yes - I once
Told my son if he ever hit me I would put him on his arse so fast he wouldn't know what hit him .
Autistic yes . Did he try ? No. Parents are now frightened of their offspring.