My 13 yr old son hit me this morning

[Joynot]

Mainly because he didn’t want to go to school and I was tickling him to get off the couch

8 punches on my arms
I walked away

He then said I had no friends and I’d wasted my life

I’ve talked to his school about his behaviour, I self referred to cahms 2 weeks ago after he hit me.

What do I do?

Is his dad around?

He’s very reasonable if I let him do what he wants. We are friends most of the time, watch tv together, go out for food, went to Greece in half term, swam every day together.
He only has me, his Dad died 7 years ago. I’ve asked cahms for counselling.

He’s very unhappy, I would say depressed.
He’s very stubborn, once he gets something in his head he can’t be moved. Everything is escalating. I asked him to try on a pair of school trousers and it turned into a huge row.
It’s torture trying to get him to do any school work

So there’s a lot going on, + puberty/hormones.
My heart is breaking for him, but nothing is effective

Loving the victim blaming here.

My four year old hits me frequently as well as launching missiles at me and the wall and I’ve recently enlisted the help of a family support worker and am doing a workshop with her via Zoom/teams that’s 45 mins long and it’s going to give me ideas as to how I can help him with his emotions/anger. My concern is if I don’t tackle this now he’ll be a 13 year old that hits me, an 28 year old that hits me and potentially a 30 year old who hits his wife.

*an 18 year old that hits me

"and will literally be sitting on me"

Why does he sit on you? Isnt that a bid weird?

For goodness sake, I'm very sure the OP didn't have him pinned down aggressively and forcibly tickling him to a torturous point where he had to be violent to escape. I knew that would be the focus as soon as I read it. It's clear that has worked for you before OP and you were trying to lighten things.

My 17 year old charged at me once a few years ago and I went right back into his face, as I have never backed down from a confrontation and I wasn't about to start with my own child. I never hit him or hurt him but he knew I'd fight back if he went any further across the line. It's never happened again. It's not ideal but that's what worked for me in that moment. After we calmed down I told him if he ever came at me again, life as he knew it would change, all privileges removed, all pocket money, all the nice stuff and favours would stop as I wouldn't be doing a single thing apart from the basics for someone who threatened me. He cried and felt so bad and so did I. We've never come close to it again and I hope we never do.

Don’t underestimate the impact of dyslexia. It has nothing to do with intelligence but it means bright kids have a miserable time at school. My daughter did. It is so frustrating and the teachers who take a “route 1” approach and just tell off kids for wrong spellings only make it worse. Some years ago CAMHS didn’t really consider dyslexia as a cause of MH problems but they do seem to take it seriously now.

Dawnlassie- he’s very physical and active- he cant sit still on the couch and ends up sitting right up to me. Sorry, I don’t know why I thought you’d know what that means!

I really don’t like the tone of the “is the dad around” comments. OP has explained she is a widow. Even those with dads around can find they are no use at all and often not present when confrontations over school erupt.

I'd have gone through him like a sack of shit. Sorry. I know it's not the accepted attitude on MN. But I would march him to the police station and get the biggest copper there to have a stern chat. Then get an older male relative or friend he respects to do the same.

13 is a scary age to be punching your mum. In a few years he'll be an adult punching his mum, and God knows who else. I know teenagers are awash with hormones and he's had a hard time losing his dad, but it doesn't sound like he's an otherwise hard done by neglected child. He is old enough to know what is doing is wrong. This isn't succumbing to peer pressure and having a fag behind the bike sheds, this fucking belting a woman. At 13 if he isn't bigger and taller than a woman already, he will be shortly.

Yes, he probably does feel crap about himself. I devoutly hope he does because he should. 13 years old and beating a woman. Some man he'll be to do that eh.

@ReallySpicyCurry I don’t agree. Young people who feel bad about themselves can end up suicidal. Mine did.

justanotherneighinparadise- how do you get a family support worker?

We don’t have a friendly gp, just everchanging locums.
I do think going back to basics will help
He can go to bed really early tonight.

@HmmSureJan I agree.

I have worked with violent teenage boys who have no respect for anyone and who have come at me. I tried the softly softly approach. It works to the extent that yes, they should be listened to, and issues with mental health and home life taken into account.

But the only thing that's ever got them to calm down (or punch the wall beside my head instead of my actual face, ha) - squaring up to them right back.

And you know what? As if by magic 99% of the time those boys were able to stop themselves in their tracks. Just like that. Funny that.

Definitely agree with boundaries, back to basics parenting. Talking too, talk about how you feel and encourage him to (but don't add pressure) maybe he'd like to write it down instead, you could keep a bit of a shared book?

You say you're friends which I don't know if you mean that, because if you do that's a problem. You're a parent not a friend, totally different dynamic.

He doesn’t react like an NT child though.
If I marched him to the police station, he be very apologetic at the time, but it wouldn’t stop him from becoming angry again.

He will never think to himself “oh I shouldn’t do that, because this might happen”

He will be sorry. He will cry . He will tell me how much he loves me.
But nothing I do or say will change his behaviour

@Joynot

justanotherneighinparadise- how do you get a family support worker?

We don’t have a friendly gp, just everchanging locums.
I do think going back to basics will help
He can go to bed really early tonight.

They work through my child’s school. They help families with any problems. They’re council based but I wonder if that’s only available to primary aged children 🤔

How the fuck is punching your MOTHER 8 times because she tickled you self-defence by any stretch of the imagination?😡

Joynot, I sympathise with you, but unfortunately you will just have to hang in there with no real support. My DS has never actually hit me, but he has often grabbed me, twisted my arms roughly, pinned me against a wall, kicked out at me if I've woken him up, and regularly punched, kicked and damaged walls and doors, as well as other household items.

CAHMS didn't want to know.
His school didn't want to know.
His GP (at least 3 different ones) didn't want to know.
One Point sent a family support worker along a few times, who was lovely. However, she went off sick, and after receiving an email from her line manager assuring us they'd allocate someone else to us and we wouldn't just be 'left', that was the last we ever heard.🙄

He is 18 now and, on the whole, has been much better since he was 16. He was definitely at his worst at 14 and 15.

So, really sorry not to be able to offer you any advice, but you're not alone and he will eventually get better. But the support that SHOULD be there for people in our position, just is not and hasn't for at least a few years.

Refer yourself to social care, they have family support available (if you meet the threshold of course!)

Have you ever marched him to the police station before to try it?

Many of the boys I've worked with weren't NT. They were still capable of learning what was acceptable and what wasn't.

Also look up non violent resistance NVR

Really sorry to hear you're going through this OP, it's such a tough tough thing to address.

You clearly love your son, he's very lucky to be loved and have your support.

Yeah don't tickle him fgs

He lashed out to get you to stop

8 times?! He hit the OP 8 times. That is never ok.

Sorry OP, my DC are much younger and I don’t have a lot of experience to offer advice but ignore the idiotic comments that suggest this is a normal reaction. It isn’t.

I agree with @Mintjulia. Good luck... 🌸

Write it all up, on one report. Email, or post recorded delivery to GP, social services, police, school, CAMHS, any other support services you can think of, asking specifically that they contact you urgently with advice and to discuss a way forward because your situation is desperate. Make sure all agencies know the others have had copies of the same letter.

Stop tickling him. Now. Forever.

Sit down and think. Exactly what behaviour do you want/ not want from him? What are you prepared to put up with and what are you not? What are you going to do at those moments when his usual (not worst) behaviour is causing you problems (eg can you have a code word to let him know to back off?) Write all that down. Stick to it until it becomes habit. If he asks why you've changed, explain. Offer to let him see what you wrote (make sure you have more than one copy). Don't, though, write it out and present him with it. Wait until he asks.

Put your proposed sanctions and rewards in your letter.