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Original poster

My 13 yr old son hit me this morning

129 replies

Joynot · 18/11/2020 10:00

Mainly because he didn’t want to go to school and I was tickling him to get off the couch

8 punches on my arms
I walked away

He then said I had no friends and I’d wasted my life

I’ve talked to his school about his behaviour, I self referred to cahms 2 weeks ago after he hit me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
LauraMipsum · 18/11/2020 21:26

I think that's mostly bollocks though fuckedandbombed

I spent years working in crime, and while it is true that some of our youth clients came from backgrounds which were a pipeline from cradle to prison (parents addicted / in prison / children in and out of care / witnessing or experiencing abuse etc) and some had inadequate parenting, I met many more parents who had a number of other children who were doing absolutely fine.

They were typically at their absolute wit's end having been asking for assessment at school ('but he's fine at school, no need'), asking for help from GP ('he seems fine, but I'll refer you for parenting classes'), asking for help from CAHMS ('you're in the queue, it's about 18 months'), and then watching helplessly as their child went from school refusal to PRU to prison, with a Greek chorus of ghouls in the background chanting that it's the parents' fault.

There is a reason that children with additional needs are over represented in the criminal justice system and it isn't usually that their parents just haven't been arsed to teach them socially acceptable behaviours.

Strawberrylemincake · 18/11/2020 21:39

Thank you Laura. I agree with every word you said. I have a criminal justice mental health background and concur. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

catspyjamas123 · 18/11/2020 22:00

@fuckedandbombed so it’s wrong for a distressed child to hit a parent - I think we’d all agree with that. But according to you it’s right for the parent to retaliate with violence to teach them a lesson. Surely then you’d be doing the same thing? And teaching that violence is OK?

That’s not firm parenting, it’s bad parenting.

fuckedandbombed · 18/11/2020 22:00

Ok Laura . As you wish . Crack on then advising this mum with a 13 year old who's already assaulting her 👍

fuckedandbombed · 18/11/2020 22:02

I'm sorry but a lot of the parents I see are so wet that it's no wonder their kids rule the roost .

Anyway society will pick up the pieces I'm sure . Fabulous 👍.

OffredOfjune · 18/11/2020 22:04

@fuckedandbombed

I'm sorry but a lot of the parents I see are so wet that it's no wonder their kids rule the roost .

Anyway society will pick up the pieces I'm sure . Fabulous 👍.

Absolutely.

I wouldn't have ever even dreamed of hitting my parents. Good god.

fuckedandbombed · 18/11/2020 22:10

Lawful chastisement.

Sorry but if any child of mine decided that it's acceptable to hit me I'm afraid they'd get a smack right back . And that actually does work . But no one is allowed to say that or think it because that now equates to bad parenting. But it's fine for a 13 year old to punch their mother 8 times. Poor baby eh ?

Wait till he's 17 and doing that . Where will all those lovely do gooders be then supporting this mum ? You'll all be telling her to kick him out and let the state deal with him no doubt as seen countless times on here .

This could be pre empted. Parent now . Step up . Stop trying to be friends with a violent 13 year and be a parent . I get so so sick of seeing this over and over again . Anyway.

fuckedandbombed · 18/11/2020 22:19

@Strawberrylemincake

Thank you Laura. I agree with every word you said. I have a criminal justice mental health background and concur. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Well I have a parenting background and my son has autism. And he has turned out to be a thoroughly decent bloke despite some wobbles in adolescence. So I Clint myself as having first hand experience. How many of you lovely mental health professionals do ? You've lived with this ? I have . And my kids are total successes . Win for me .
fuckedandbombed · 18/11/2020 22:22

Oh and I now work in law . See these poor little sods over and over . Mummy let them get away with it so they can't understand why the general public do t ? Why they can't kick off in the shop .
Why they can't kick of with the neighbours.
Why they can't kick off in their special school.
Why they can't destroy mums house when she tried to say no .

It's sad . And they end up criminalised .

Jellykat · 18/11/2020 22:25

OP is it just the two of you at home?
I had similar with DS1 before DS2 was born, it's an intense relationship if just you two, and was told his Ed Psyc that the adult/ child boundaries are easily blurred with no other siblings to reinforce the roles. Somehow you need to let him know you are the adult.

Also what are school doing about his educational needs? did you say he has ADHD as well as mild Dyslexia?

gypsywater · 18/11/2020 22:33

Same @OffredOfjune I would have been so scared of the consequences of doing so. Wouldnt have even dared to find out what would have happened. And that is with my parents being pretty even tempered...

catspyjamas123 · 18/11/2020 23:11

Well instead of beating her to a pulp I worked through it with my daughter. Those were hard times. She is now a much more mature teenager, doing well at school and is certainly not on the path to a criminal career. She has grown and has learned boundaries and I am proud of her. It took a huge amount of patience.

I feel a great deal of sympathy for the OP. First hit by her son and then battered by mumsnetters. She needs support and help not a tongue lashing.

One outburst at home does not mean her son will become a domestic abuser or hardened criminal. Kids are learning and we all make mistakes.

fuckedandbombed · 18/11/2020 23:15

Cat
Read the thread . It's not one outburst. He did the same 2 weeks ago. He is learning that violence gets results. His mother backs down , and he gets his own way .

Strawberrylemincake · 18/11/2020 23:15

Oh dear.

tobee · 18/11/2020 23:22

People who are autistic aren't just one "type" of person.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 19/11/2020 01:39

Tickling is fucking horrible and if someone did it to me and wouldn't stop, I'd probably break their arm if that's what it took, never mind punch them. I'm pretty sure its a form of torture.

patchysmum · 19/11/2020 03:15

I would take him to the police station even if you think it will not help punching your mother is disgusting .He needs to learn how to control his anger or he is going to end up in big trouble.There must be some sort of anger management classes for under eighteens

lunalulu · 19/11/2020 06:41

@Ohalrightthen

I hit the last person who tickled me, it was the only way to get them to stop as the tickling meant i couldnt get enough air in to speak!

It seems to me like you violated his personal space in a way that meant he couldn't get you to stop, so he had to be physical with you, and the whole thing made him angry and so he lashed out verbally.

Unless there's a huge drip feed coming here, referring to CAMHS for what was essentially self defence is a huge overreaction. He's 13. Not 3. Don't tickle him without his consent.

This.

You don't do that to a teenage boy.

He's not a kid now. You have to catch up with who he is. You made this happen, unfortunately.

It's v sad this has happened between you but I actually think you also need to apologise to him. And obviously he to you. But he may think no point as you won't get what you did.

Porridgeoat · 19/11/2020 06:46

Ask the police to give him a talking to. It needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. He needs to know what he has done is against the law and you will press charges if there is a repeat

Porridgeoat · 19/11/2020 06:48

So it’s not just a one off. Go to the police in person and make a report.

HmmSureJan · 19/11/2020 06:49

I think that's mostly bollocks though fuckedandbombed

Thank goodness someone else said it so I didn't have to!

They have additional needs but think they can simply do what they like because of that .
They have no boundaries. They get away with everything within their family unit
And then - they try it outside the family unit.
And get a shock

Personally I have found the direct opposite. I have found that they're managed and controlled by good structure and expectations within the family unit and then when that changes - sometimes for tragic reasons - they're unable to cope or function without their support network and go off the rails. Your posts are largely nonsense.

Porridgeoat · 19/11/2020 07:01

Sorry op just read he is being assessed for ADHD

Ring your GP and tell them about him hitting you and how unhappy he is. The assessment needs to take place sooner rather then later and maybe you can get a more urgent assessment or a more urgent referral on to camhs for him.

Personally I’d stop pushing homework and ask the school to coordinate this if they want it done. You run the risk of being hurt.

Personally I’d be pushing for him to be medicated to help his depression and focus. From his point of view he must be finding things very difficult to cope with.

DitherFlicker · 19/11/2020 07:02

In addition to the food and sleep recommendations, how much exercise is he getting? I know it's tricky at the moment but when organised sport is allowed again it can be great help at this age. Rugby or football are the obvious ones but something like an athletics club is also great ...just gives them another dimension... camaraderie, focus and endorphins, even as a beginner. Or would he walk or run with a friend, or use Strava for now?

I had a very similar DC to yours... did and said almost exactly the same things word for word. He's still a child struggling to control his emotions, so threatening with the police isn't going to resolve that. Our GP offered anger management for my DC (was not keen), or a parent support group for me, so I did that. Maybe there are Zoom versions at the moment? It was really useful in getting perspective and experiences from others. Best piece of advice was that when teens are feeling stressed they take it out on those they trust the most. It's hard if you're on your own and you certainly don't want to be a punchbag, but don't feel you are failing him. This is a difficult phase and it will pass.

cantdothisnow1 · 19/11/2020 07:32

Christ what a f**cking ableist thread.

So rather than treat a disabled child with respect and provide the environment and medication they need to live a normal life you lot would lock them up because they were not coping in the first place?

LIke [cat] above I've first hand experience of something similar to OP and it takes being a strong parent to make the changes necessary to accommodate children with additional needs but it can be done.

And almost no one would ever advocate hitting a child who is lashing out what ever the reason. Its's a criminal offence to do that in some circumstances.

Read the Explosive Child if you think these kids need a firm hand to sort it. It couldn't be further from the truth.