Working in hospitals:
'I don't want to speak to you, I want to speak to Dr.....'
Yes, I understand, but he's in Theatre at present, so if you give me your details, I can tell him when he isn't up to his elbows in somebody's ribcage he finishes his list that you would like to speak to him.
'Don't be ridiculous, you stupid girl. Just go in there and tell him. He can use the telephone on the wall they have in there to call me'.
I did wonder whether she wanted me to hold the receiver for him as well. Especially at it was her husband he was in the middle of at the time.
Then there was the middle manager who pulled me up on my footwear. Apparently, PAs in their mid twenties should 'buy proper, professional heeled shoes such as Manolo Blahniks, not horrible cheap, flat ones from Clarks, of all places'. At least I didn't end up taking a month off for bunion surgery like she did.
Working in a pub:
'That waitress needs to be fired. She dropped a fork when I shoved her out of my way because she had put my husband's plate in front of him whilst facing him instead of leaning backwards, maintaining eye contact with me. She obviously fancied my husband. She came back to the table and asked if everything was alright and she smiled at him.'
Shift manager wasn't agreeing with her, so she threw in her top trumps card.
'She was deliberately showing off her stocking tops to him. It was disgusting, especially with the seethrough crop top showing off her tits and the stiletto heels'.
I was wearing the pub chain official uniform. The ugliest print shirt in the world (hip length and made of what felt like grain sacking). And trousers. As for stilettos, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fourteen hour shifts do not magically turn a pair of DM shoes into stilettos for the brief seconds I'm doing a courtesy check on a table.
Working in Education
'My child has never failed an exam in their life. How DARE you give them such a mark?' Erm, by not turning up. As you were told on the day. And it wasn't us, it was the exam board, technically. Oh, you wanted one of us to sit the exam for them? Yeeeeh, it doesn't quite work like that.
'How dare you imprison my child! It's prejudice!' Sorry mate, gently persuading a burly six footer to go and sit down in a large room with open doors and windows when he's been relieved of an eight inch fucking kitchen knife (whilst telling the petrified year 7s cowering behind me that he's going to cut someone's throat), doesn't really count as false imprisonment or prejudice; other than the fairly reasonable prejudice to having a total fucking bloodbath in school, I suppose.
'You've marked my child down because you're all jealous of me for being famous'. I'm sorry to hear that, can I take your name please? No, I am not taking the absolute fucking piss pretending. No, can't say I've ever heard of that. Could you let me know your child's - oh, 'Fred's' Mum? Oh, yes, I know 'Fred', he's lovely unlike his bloody mother, apparently Let me just check - he's done really well. I should know. I spent four hours helping him do it because it was shit on first submission. Ah, you wanted 'Fred' to get an A* because you think you are famous.
Undisclosed Employment:
'OK, let me get this straight. You want me to amend/correct/update falsify - - - - so that the figures 'look better'? And you've complained to my manager that I'm being uncooperative and not committed to the organisation for taking my lunch break because when you told me to 'just leave your computer logged on', I said 'Ooops, already logged out'?'
Then there was the complaint that I was 'making too much work for others' by making legally required disclosures.
Or the one where I handed over several thousand pounds in cash to Finance because when
a) it's a sackable offence to keep cash in the insecure office and
b) it's been put in my desk drawer overnight, so it looks as though I've made the decision to keep it there, despite my saying 'I can't keep it in my desk, I'll get fired, especially if we have a break in'.
I'm going to make the decision to get it the fuck away from me.
Especially as the complaint was only made because he found out it was gone when he was going to take a few hundred out of it to 'get some Christmas shopping'.
The world is full of arseholes. Some you work with, some you encounter as part of your work. Much of my life has been spent trying to neatly evade their ire, but sometimes, you just have to breathe gently and remember that arseholery is inherent, it's not a lifestyle choice.