Does anyone else have a far fetched and dramatic escape plan, or is it just me?

[FortunesFavour]

To be clear, I’m not talking about escaping from bad relationships or awful jobs - nothing sensible like that. No, I’m talking about escape plans from monsters, spies, aliens etc, just in case it should become necessary .

With me it’s zombies. I love a good shambling zombie and for years I’ve always had a plan in each place I’ve lived for what I would do in a zombie attack...where I would hide, which drainpipe I would shimmy down, where I could find an armoured truck and so on. Important stuff I’m sure you’ll agree!

I don’t believe in them of course - I am fully sane I assure you! It’s just idle speculation when bored, or a game. Eg leaving an empty train platform, I’ll imagine a train pulling up and disgorging zombies onto the platform...run or hide? How long would they take to reach me (this of course v much depends on whether you have a stumbler a la Walking Dead, or a runner a la 28 Days Later- in which case you’re stuffed and might as well throw in the towel straight away).

It might surprise you to learn that I’m not a teenage boy, but a professional woman in her 40s! P’raps it’s just escapism - fictional monsters being easier to deal with than current reality.

Anyone else have a plan in mind? Doesn’t have to be zombies - aliens, dragons, tigers, assassins, demons and stormtroopers all welcome...just no real threats as that spoils the fun (so planning hiding spots from MIL and the kids doesn’t count!).

Or is it just me?

Oh weapons are DH’s department. He’s ex armourer and bomb disposal, he was also a trained combat medic and he could fashion land mines and booby traps from household items 😄
He’s got quite a collection of bladed weapons, he just needs a crossbow - guns attract too much attention.
I have a Transistor radio that is older than my 30 year old DD, I’d never part with it as it would come in handy when the power goes out 😉
We also have plenty of gardening tools that would make fabulous zombie killers.

Now those are some great skillsets for the end of the world GenderApostate, you’ll be in high demand. Might I offer you, your DH and your ancient transistor radio a luxury berth in my compound, with double rations of sugar and 3 extra eggs per week? (Offer also extends to Spudlet and her handy local explosives).

Sorry Whizbang, I’m still awaiting confirmation of that I’m afraid. Just be prepared at any moment!

When we buy a new house I always check it out for velociraptor suitability. Is there a safe point of egress should raptors get into the house? Can we live in one barricaded room for long enough to be rescued (our bedroom since there's an en suite for water).

For a time I included zombie apocalypse in my planning, but since a very convincing and highly scientific article on cracked.com explained that zombies would need blood to make their bodies move, and blood needs to be at about 36C (give or take) to move instead of coagulating, and we live in Scotland so hahahaha that temperature will never happen, I no longer have a zombie escape plan.

Still keep an eye out for velociraptors, though.

Now that’s a tough one GrouchyKiwi. Velociraptors are harder to survive than zombies on account of all the jumping and running. Plus they work as a team and are highly intelligent according to the boffins at Jurassic Park. Don’t want you to feel discouraged but I don’t really fancy your chances tbh. Soz.

We live very close to lots of warehouses where whisky is kept while it ages to whatever its age is supposed to be. My plan is essentially liberate all the whisky, use it to barter. I'd also book in for laser eye surgery before it all goes to shit, or if I leave it too late, break in and steal all the contact lenses in my prescription or thereabouts from every branch of opticians in a 100 mile radius.

You're quite right, Fortunes. I'm too lazy to make any of the necessary changes to keep us safe, like replacing our lever door handles with round ones. So we'll just be eaten. It's as good a way to go as any.

Facing up to your fate with fortitude Kiwi, I salute you. Or you could consider moving to an igloo at the North Pole for the rest of your life just in case? Too cold for velociraptors. Its good to have a plan B in your back pocket that doesn’t involve your sad demise.

According to a very accurate map I saw a while ago (and which I cannot find at all now, despite people assuring me that nothing is lost on the Internet) the only place safe from velociraptors is the sea. But that's only because orcas are there.

We're going to be the first family to live on the Moon.

Annoying sods get everywhere don’t they? I blame Richard Attenborough. Good luck on the moon! Bring us all back some cheese.

🤣 no but I do love to plan for losing a suitcase on route to a holiday in Hong Kong. I would spend my nights looking around the night markets buying clothes that never fit a fat westerner.

Or boarding up the house and packing the car for a incoming USA hurricane.

What do I really need to grab? What cant I live without, that kind of thing. Zombies sound like hard work. They can just eat me!

I keep a chainsaw by my bed in case a Sharknado comes in the night.

My friends are also plotting a birthday surprise this weekend (and so
I am plotting equally as secretly how to escape from that)

Perhaps a spot of multitasking is in order TheZeppo? Whilst awaiting the Sharknado onslaught you could use the chainsaw to threaten your friends in an unhinged manner? Not only would this be handy chainsaw practice, but you’d also lose all your friends hence no birthday surprise at the weekend. It’s a win-win situation.

Yes. Have even found a historic nuclear bunker just for such occasions. And it’s a good part of why I staywith DH as he is so practical and extremely handy.

I used to work in a secure kids' home, that's pretty well fortified against both zombies and fire. However the main doors and key cabinet were electric so if the power goes you're scuppered. I haven't thought this through. I can recommend the podcast We're Alive if you like zombie narratives though. I returned to it in lockdown 1, it was comforting.

Yes, you need to put more work into your plan Mashingthecompost. You fell into the classic “electric fences don’t work without electricity” trap and will now die in fear and screaming agony as the undead feast upon your entrails. Which serves you right for your electricity cock up quite frankly. Go back, watch Jurassic Park and then re-do your plan. I mean, honestly 🙄

On a happier note, thanks very much for the We’re Alive recommendation Mashingthecompost 👍. I will search it out because I do indeed enjoy zombie narratives from time to time - can you tell?

It has occurred to me that the local agricultural college would be an excellent place to see out the upcoming triffid invasion... Tractors might be a bit slow for coping with zombies though.

Nonononono Magpiecomplex, you’re thinking about this all wrong. Agricultural college is a poor choice for triffids because they’d mingle in with surrounding crops and trees to sneak up and then overwhelm you. Also if you’re too rural then it’s harder to seek medical help when they attack and blind you so you’d probably die. Not ideal.

It would be pretty good for zombies though, as long as it’s surrounded by a big fence. Grow your own crops, keep livestock, remote enough to escape marauders and thieves, far away from big cities so fewer zombies to repel. Plus don’t dismiss tractors too quickly. They’re not much good for outrunning I’ll admit, but they have excellent squashing and crushing capabilities.

I hate to sound critical Magpie, but I have to be honest with you because one day your life May depend upon it.

When the velociraptors come, I've got first dibs on Jeff Goldblum. I already have a detailed plan for getting my hands on him first, which involves locking my own DD in the shed so she can't get there first. (I made the mistake of telling her this and our relationship has been somewhat strained since)

I think you’ll do well when we’re overrun by killer dinosaurs Scrolls. Locking your own DD in the shed to in order to get what you want is exactly the single-mindedness and lack of sentimentality needed to survive. She’ll thank you for it one day.

I did say we would come back for her!

(I also pointed out she was young enough to be his grandaughter whereas I was only young enough to be his daughter and so mine is a more acceptable age gap to get married team up and fight velociraptors together)

Whilst we are talking about situations that can't possibly appear to be real, Jeff Goldblum is sixty eight...

@FortunesFavour

I think you’ll do well when we’re overrun by killer dinosaurs Scrolls. Locking your own DD in the shed to in order to get what you want is exactly the single-mindedness and lack of sentimentality needed to survive. She’ll thank you for it one day.

As long as the shed doesn't fall apart, leaving her exposed to the T-Rex.

You make an excellent point @sueelleker - scholars of the subject will recall the Jurassic Park 1 precedent where the t-Rex knocked over the shed and swallowed the man sitting on the loo in one gulp.

It’s an important consideration for @ScrollEatSleepRepeat to hear in mind: before locking your DD in the shed, it is important to carry out a risk assessment comparing size of dinosaur with construction of shed otherwise this plan could backfire with tragic consequences.

Also you’ll be pleased to know that I have finally understood the use of the @ button, so my words of wisdom can now be delivered directly to your inboxes, potentially saving you from a date worse than death. Phew!