I did something terrible when dd2 was a baby and I can't get over it

[bendmeoverbackwards]

She is now 17 and this came up in conversation the other night at dinner and brought the trauma back to me.

So dd1 was 3 and dd2 was about 5 or 6 months. She was a terrible sleeper and I was exhausted. I was out for the day with them at a local farm with children's attractions. I had been trying to get dd2 to sleep pushing her around in the pram for some time. She eventually fell asleep while we were waiting in the queue for a tractor ride that dd1 was keen to go on. Dd1 was nagging me about the ride and I had to make a quick decision. So I left dd2 asleep in her pram and took dd1 on the tractor. My (sleep deprived) brain thought I would be able to see the pram from the tractor. However the tractor went out of sight and for what seemed like an eternity I couldn't see dd2 in her pram

We got back after 10 mins or so, dd2 was fine and still asleep.

But all these years later I feel awful. Someone could have easily have taken her

I don't think that's terrible. It was a mistake, sure, but an unintentional one. I have a 9 month old and can completely understand how you could have been tired enough to have made the mistake. And I don't even have two! Ultimately she is fine and doesn't even remember it so I don't see any point in beating yourself up over it now - where's that going to get you?

15 years ago attitudes were very different. No harm done.

You made a mistake.
Go easy on yourself.
When you have these thoughts choose to distract yourself.
(Not so many years ago it was culturally acceptable, actually expected that mothers would leave babies in their prams outside shops...I remember talking to my grandmother and great aunt when I was a new mother and asking what happened if a baby was crying. They just smiled and said another mum would likely rock the pram and verbally soothe the baby and tell it that it’s own mummy wouldn’t be long!)

It was a silly thing to do but no harm came of it and it was 17 years ago.

Time to move on 🤷‍♀️

Nothing happened and your DD was fine, but I totally get the feelings of guilt. XP and I went to a wedding when DS was a few months old and I was persuaded (against my better judgement) to leave him with XP's nephew.

Once it got time to go home XP and his family realised they couldn't get a taxi and called the nephew to collect us. He did so, leaving DS alone in the house while he was out.

I was closer to hysterical than I have probably ever been and that was the beginning of the end for the relationship thankfully. DS is a similar age to your DD and occasionally I still get flashbacks about it and what could have happened.

Silly to do but the actual chance of someone taking her is very minimal, in fact you probably have more chance of someone spotting her and calling the police to ensure the child is ok.

It was a mistake but not as bad as you think. Years ago people would leave babies in a pram outside a shop!!! Can you even believe that! But that was normal then.

@RunningFromInsanity

15 years ago attitudes were very different. No harm done.

It was in 2003 not the 70s

I really wouldn't even give it a 2nd thought Op - it was a long time ago and she was fine.

We’ve all make mistakes like that in a moment of madness, I certainly have!
Please go easy on yourself OP

I find that if I am stressed/anxious my mind finds a past event to ‘settle on’ and worry about.
Could this be the case for you? And on happier days you wouldn’t give this small mistake a second thought?

Dd was a crap sleeper and I remember telling her to fuck off as I got out of bed one night. She couldn’t hear from the end of the hall and above her own screams but I did feel bad.

I really wouldn't worry about it, my DS is 19 and I would leave him asleep in the car outside, on his own if I ran to the post box, on one occasion I left him home alone (asleep) to go and help a neighbour with her new baby (!!). I've never given any it a second thought.

Sleep deprivation changes our perception of risk IMO. I've contemplated doing similar.

No harm done. Forgive yourself.

@RunningFromInsanity attitudes were not different.
My ds was born in the 80’s and we didn’t leave our dc on their own in hotel apartments as was suggested in 2007 when a certain child disappeared.

OP don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake, your dd was fine and you learned from the experience.

Seems a bit ott that this still upsets you!

Blimey if I stayed upset over every parenting fail I made over the years I'd be a complete wreck!!

Alls well that ends well and all that.

25years ago I left my 5 year old child outside the post office with my 4 week old baby in a busy road , god only knows what was going on in my head however count my blessings all was well . I think I realised when I got home how stupid I had been and sat and cried, I have never told anyone and even now it has made me feel anxious, don't give your self a hard time .

I think you can forgive yourself for that one

All's well that ends well. Dont punish yourself any more. An honest and sleep deprived mistake that's all.

You need to find a way to let it go. Every time you think of it, remind yourself that nothing happened to her, and you learned from that mistake.

15 years ago attitudes were very different. No harm done.
No they weren't, hence the uproar when Madeline McCann was left in a hotel room.
However, she wasn't abducted, she was fine, nothing happened. Don't beat yourself up about what could have happened, I'm sure many of us have had near misses.

Ooh read that back- I meant your daughter wasn't abducted, obviously.

It wasn't terrible OP... it was a decision that turned out not to be the best, but no worse than things most parents have done. She was fine, and it's not really a setting where someone taking her is likely. I mean it's vanishingly unlikely anyway, but I think most people would have assumed she had been left for just a moment while you ran off after a toddler or whatever.

In the book The Island by Aldous Huxley, there's a useful bit about memories you find really upsetting and unbearable. It says you have to look them in the eye and be honest with yourself about what happened - tell yourself clearly, over and over (while on your own obv :o) that you made this mistake, you felt terrible, but it turned out OK and it's over. Don't try to hide from the memory - face it and repeat it until it no longer holds the same power. It really works and I've used it several times. For things like toddler slipping my hand and running into the road, and other "what if" moments.

Op you really need to let this go. Everything is fine and you wouldn’t repeat it so there is nothing to be gained from dwelling on things and punishing yourself.

Don't worry about it now, you were sleep deprived and nothing bad happened

My Nan parked my Uncle up outside Woolworths (as I believe was quite normal in the 60s). She did her shopping, came out, got the bus home - and then remembered about the baby outside the shop. Went back in a panic to find him still there, happily watching the world go by. She still talks about the fright she gave herself over 60 years later.

I think it is patronising to suggest this was acceptable fifteen years ago. I was at a swimming gala twenty five odd years ago and someone left their child asleep in the car. The officials refused to start the gala until the baby was collected. The idea that babies were just left out alone in public places really didn't happen fifteen, twenty or thirty years ago. Parents have been careful for a long time.