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Original poster

I did something terrible when dd2 was a baby and I can't get over it

108 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 15/11/2020 13:40

She is now 17 and this came up in conversation the other night at dinner and brought the trauma back to me.

So dd1 was 3 and dd2 was about 5 or 6 months. She was a terrible sleeper and I was exhausted. I was out for the day with them at a local farm with children's attractions. I had been trying to get dd2 to sleep pushing her around in the pram for some time. She eventually fell asleep while we were waiting in the queue for a tractor ride that dd1 was keen to go on. Dd1 was nagging me about the ride and I had to make a quick decision. So I left dd2 asleep in her pram and took dd1 on the tractor. My (sleep deprived) brain thought I would be able to see the pram from the tractor. However the tractor went out of sight and for what seemed like an eternity I couldn't see dd2 in her pram Sad

We got back after 10 mins or so, dd2 was fine and still asleep.

But all these years later I feel awful. Someone could have easily have taken her Sad

OP posts:
grassisjeweled · 15/11/2020 17:02

DH'S family used to leave his little sister (aged around 4 or 5) in a communal ski chalet whilst they went skiing for the DAY. Apparently folks used to feed her, entertain her etc

Shock
ClaireP20 · 15/11/2020 17:08

I actually don't think that was bad. You were at an attraction full of families. Probably one of the safest places to leave her. If this is the worst you have done OP, then you are a wonderful parent. I am still haunted by the night I tried to 'sleep train' my oldest. I let him sob for an hour. My first child, so I made the stupid mistake of thinking that's what I had to do. But it still makes me sick to think of him sobbing so much he was sick. There, now I'm crying.....xx

ClaireP20 · 15/11/2020 17:10

@Hohofortherobbers

I left my dd in curry's when she was about 3 weeks old, she was in the carseat on the floor and I just forgot I'd had a baby and left the shop, only remembered once I was in the car. I don't feel bad, i wasn't neglectful, just an innocent mistake, she was asleep and quiet and I hadn't been a mum long, easily done.
Exactly - when we are sleep deprived it's so easy to do! X

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17 years old Families
Thisbastardcomputer · 15/11/2020 17:15

Forget it, nothing happened, don't beat yourself up.

I left my sister sat in a pushchair outside a shop for hours, it was only when my dad asked where she was, I thought oh shit !

TheGreatWave · 15/11/2020 17:29

My Mum left me outside the local shop, blames me for being an awful sleeper. We just giggle about it. Honestly as "that child" we are really not bothered.

MindyStClaire · 15/11/2020 17:29

I have a toddler and a baby now and I can absolutely see how it would happen. DC1 is coming second to the baby all day. DC2 is finally asleep, you think the tractor ride is only a few minutes and in view the whole time. The worst that will happen to DC2 is a few minutes crying if they wake, and DC1 will get the tractor ride and some one on one time with you. Maybe not your finest moment but I don't think your reasoning was completely crazy.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 15/11/2020 17:47

I really wouldnt call that terrible! You were sleep deprived and thought you were doing the right thing. Would you do it again? Maybe not but its a silly misjudgement at best. No harm done and 17 years later everyone is fine.

The chance that something could have happened is incredibly slim. Most likely what would have happened at a childrens park is someone in the queue noticed the baby and kept an eye on them from a far. I would stop feeling guilty

WinoLino · 15/11/2020 17:52

"Seems a bit ott that this still upsets you"

However quite a few people have said it was a silly thing to do.

OP you were very brave to come on here and be so vulnerable! It clearly still gives you a pretty strong reaction now, I wonder if it was really hard when they were younger or things are really hard now? Please be kind to yourself. We all make quick decisions all the time and some of them, (with hindsight) might turn out to be wrong and that's really painful.

SummerHouse · 15/11/2020 17:57

When you have a baby and a toddler you are between a rock and a hard place. If this is your biggest regret in parenting then you are absolutely the parent of decade. Perhaps you care so much because you are a brilliant mum and this was out of character. Please forgive yourself today and see this for what it was. A simple mistake that zero harm came from.

MindTheMinotaur · 15/11/2020 17:57

Back in the day babies were left outside Woolworths in their prams. I have a friend who only realised after she'd taken the bus home that she'd forgotten her baby. She went back and he was fine.

CrazyToast · 15/11/2020 18:11

My mother dropped me on my head!

I'm sure all mothers have a 'could've been much worse but thankfully wasn't' story.

No need to beat yourself up at all.

faginssidekick · 15/11/2020 18:13

@RunningFromInsanity

15 years ago attitudes were very different. No harm done.
They were not that different but op, like all parents, made a mistake. No harm was done and op needs to move on.
StillGardening · 15/11/2020 18:16

You know the chances are that another person saw what you did, and kept an eye on your child for you. There are far more goodies in the world than baddies. You learnt your lesson , and maybe doing what you did then saved you from doing something else later that would have had far worse repercussions. Time to forgive yourself 👍

Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 15/11/2020 18:22

Also OP, remember it's not you making that decision now. I did things when I was a less experienced parent, way more tired and stressed. Try to have some compassion for yourself as you were then, we've all done I'll-advised things Thanks

TheGreatWave · 15/11/2020 18:29

Tbh I thought this was going to be along the lines of mine.

Dd's third birthday, DS was about 14 months. He had only been sitting for about 3 months. We had them both in a baby swing, all fun. DS with his massive head just toppled out the swing in front of us in that kind of slow motion, but can't do anything about it thing.

OP your second born was a lot safer than mine.

Latenightreader · 15/11/2020 18:47

I had two threads on here which kept me sane in the early days - one about the worst things done whilst sleep deprived (can’t find it now), and www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3771995-To-ask-your-biggest-parenting-fails-to-make-me-feel-better-about-mine-today?pg=1

Sometimes it helps to know you aren’t the only one who has made terrible decisions or awful mistakes.

KarmaNoMore · 15/11/2020 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theclockticksslowly · 15/11/2020 19:24

I think it’s definitely time to forgive yourself. I can understand - not quite the same but similar - when my dd was somewhere around that age I took my eye off her and she rolled off the bed. She was and is absolutely fine but every so often I think to myself how could I have been so silly.

If you find yourself beating yourself up over this mistake just keep reminding yourself you know it was a mistake, a exhausted lack of sleep mistake, that your dd was fine and you learnt from it. Everyone makes mistakes. Flowers

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 15/11/2020 20:48

You lot are brilliant Smile

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and cheering me up.

When I said I can't get over it, I don't mean it affects my day to day life, I'm not depressed or anything like that.....just that it pops into my head sometimes and gives me the shivers.

I will definitely forgive myself now. This thread has been good therapy Flowers

OP posts:
notwavingbutdrowning5 · 16/11/2020 12:05

OP, is it just recently that this has come back to haunt you? When my DD was 17 she started going out more on her own and staying out late at night. Even though she was very good about staying in touch by phone and didn't push the boundaries, I found myself getting anxious, and as part of that, 'near-misses' I'd had when she was tiny kept coming to mind. It may be that thinking about what happened when she was a baby is part of adjusting to her approaching adulthood now.

NameChange84 · 16/11/2020 12:12

Try not to beat yourself up about it...it was ten minutes.

I appreciate the 80s and early 90s were an extremely long time ago but I was left for 10/20 minutes at a time outside shops in my buggy most days! In fact some of my earliest memories are being left outside Boots and Woolworths while my mother was shopping or outside the Bookies or butchers when my Dad was in charge. He also used to regularly leave me for up to an hour in the car alone with the keys in the ignition when I was 4/5!
I think it’s batshit now but in all honesty I don’t hold it against my parents now and Mum at least realises it could never happen now!

FortunesFavour · 16/11/2020 13:05

Aww, give yourself a break OP, everyone makes mistakes and there was no harm done. Next time the guilty thought comes into your head, consciously push it away and think about something else..you seem to have a nice relationship with DD chattering about it over dinner. Focus on that instead and kick your subconscious critic into touch. (My subconscious critic is a right cow, I regularly have to tell her to stfu. Honestly, no-one in my life would dream of being as critical and mean as I am to myself in my head. I find the trick is to recognise when it’s happening and telling the nagging inner voice to get stuffed so I can focus on something more productive)

AnneElliott · 16/11/2020 13:07

Don't beat yourself up op! I know someone who went to the off-licence, left the baby behind and only realised when he got back home with the wine and the mum asked where the baby was! He was still outside the off licence!

User24689 · 16/11/2020 13:12

Forgive yourself OP. We all make errors of judgement and thankfully there weren't consequences.

When my first baby was a couple of months old I was in some shopping centre toilets and she was asleep in the pram. I was desperate for the loo but the pram wouldn't fit in the cubicle. While deciding what to do a nice Chinese lady who didn't speak much English offered to watch DD while I went to the toilet. I remember thanking her, walking into the toilet and locking the door before having this horrifying realisation that I had just given DD to a complete stranger. I quickly opened the door and rushed back out and she was fine with the nice lady. But I still remember kicking myself as she could so easily have run off with her!

TwoBlueFish · 16/11/2020 13:14

My mum left my sister in her park outside a shop and went home! I was picking up several children from school for a birthday party, remembered all the other kids and forgot my youngest! One of the other parents rang me and brought him along.

We’ve all had parenting fails, time to forgive yourself.