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Original poster

I upset my friend who is having ivf

122 replies

Deepseafiver · 14/11/2020 02:43

My friend and I are both 42. Neither of us has children. She is trying for a child with Ivf

During a facetime chat tonight she asked me if I ever considered trying for a baby now. I said no because I felt I was too old now. She got upset at this as she felt this was critical of her. I tried to explain that this was just personal to me. My parents had me very young and I can't get my head around being 60 and my kid bring a teenager. Both my parents were seriously ill in their early 50s and my Mum basically lost interst in my sister and I when she went through the menopause in her mid 40s. She came round to us again after but it was an awful time really. Luckily we were older but it would have bern awful if we had been small.

Im sure not all parents are like rhis but it makes me feel that for me its better to have them young or not at all.

How to I reassure her my feelings aren't a personal slight?

OP posts:
FourPlatinumRings · 14/11/2020 02:47

Ouch. I know what you meant and just because you personally feel too old, that's not to say that you think she is, but I think this is a bit of a foot-in-mouth situation to be honest.

If you've already tried to reassure her and apologised for the unintended offence, I think you'd be better off letting it drop now. Anything further you say will look disingenuous and like back-pedalling.

Original poster
Deepseafiver · 14/11/2020 02:52

I think even objectively I'm not too old as its almost the norm to have babies in your 40s now but because of my family background and experience its too old for my taste.

Your probably right that I need to stop digging now!

OP posts:
Catsup · 14/11/2020 02:52

To be totally honest I think it's one of those instances of 'don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer 😕'.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Menopause Women's health
Zoflorabore · 14/11/2020 03:02

I’m 42 also op and I totally get what you mean.

My dc are 9 and 17 and someone recently asked me if I was having any more and I was horrified and said that dp has had a vasectomy plus I feel way too old.

My best friend has had babies at 19, 25 and then 41 and I’ve said similar in front of her without directly offending her.

She asked you a question and you answered it honestly so try not to worry.

ViewsAreMine · 14/11/2020 03:11

What Catsup said basically

Ceebs85 · 14/11/2020 04:05

You've just clearly hit a nerve and it's something she's been worrying about too. Let it go, be enthusiastic for her. If she's started prep for IVF her mood and hormones might be all over the place anyway

Ginandplatonic · 14/11/2020 04:30

It’s unreasonable of her to have asked a highly personal question and then take personally your honest answer about YOUR feelings. Your desire not to have a child at 42 is no more about her than her desire to have one is about you. And your feelings are just as valid and reasonable as hers. And I say this as someone who had a child at 43.

BUT if she’s going through IVF her hormones and feelings will be all over the place and she may not be thinking rationally. I’d just reiterate that you are happy for her and will support her, and cut her some slack.

IceFrost · 14/11/2020 04:41

@Catsup

To be totally honest I think it's one of those instances of 'don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer 😕'.
I 100% agree. She’s being over sensitive and you haven’t done anything wrong.

When my Parents we’re back in their 40s they both said they couldn’t think of anything worse then having more children as they felt too old. They had us young, everyone’s life experience is different.

Bunniesitmustbebunnies · 14/11/2020 04:48

I’m in my 30s and feel too old to have any more kids!

Caeruleanblue · 14/11/2020 04:54

To either have children young or not at all is quite a strong opinion.
Most people don't have a free choice of when to have children, if they want a partner and eg to be financially secure, and now women have careers, or other reasons, they are finding they want children when they're older.
There's no wrong or right imv. Older women could be settled in their career, mortgage etc than younger women, so able to afford nanny, swings and roundabouts imv.

IceFrost · 14/11/2020 04:57

@Bunniesitmustbebunnies

I’m in my 30s and feel too old to have any more kids!
Same! 😂 and I’m just 30.
BangersAndMush · 14/11/2020 05:12

I think people tend to be very sensitive about anything to do with parenting because it is so harshly judged under a microscope by society. It can cause people to get offended by the mere mention of the fact that your choices are slightly different to theirs.

For example, I'm a SAHM, and although I have a good degree and decent career, I have no plans to return to it anytime soon. Probably not for at least another 6 or 7 years, because I want to have another baby and I want to be at home until they've all started school (they start at 6 here). In all honesty my reasoning for this is simply, why would I bother to have babies only to hand then over to someone else to look after? I atleast want to enjoy the good bits as much as i can before they have to start fulltime education. But I never say this to friends IRL because almost all of them chose to go back to work at some point during the first year of their child's life, or couldn't afford to be a SAHM, so it is usually interpreted as a judgement on them. That couldn't be further from the truth. I honestly couldn't give a shit what other families are doing with their kids, so long as they love them and care about them. Parenting means something different to everyone. We are all just doing it (or not doing it) whichever way is right for us.

Anyway, I would say that whenever you're discussing anything at all to do with parenting, think very carefully before you speak. It is a minefield and you can so easily offend someone.

Longdistance · 14/11/2020 05:13

Gosh, I’m 44. I gave up after my second dc as was feeling old then, I was 36. It’s personal preference tbh. But yes, I’m with don’t ask the question.

ivfbeenbusy · 14/11/2020 05:34

When you decide to undergo IVF you often wonder if you are doing the right thing - spending all that money when success rates are pretty low, injecting your body with all sorts of drugs etc, putting your life on hold. You've been a bit insensitive with the way you've replied but you've obviously struck a nerve with her of things she's been worried about too and I used to get upset when people suggested I was doing the wrong thing when it came to fertility treatment. Success rates at her age are around 2-3% at age 43 and personally I had a cut off of age 36 for IVF which I've stuck with as I wouldn't want an 18 year old at age 60 and want to be hopefully fit and well enough to enjoy being a grandparent one day but it's a very personal decision especially when lots of people conceive naturally in their 40s

Caeruleanblue · 14/11/2020 05:45

to have any more kids

I think the more is the notable word here - would you feel this way if it wasn't more but just kids. Comes over a bit smug to say you wouldn't want them when older when you've had them.

rwalker · 14/11/2020 05:54

TBH I wouldn't of even apoligised you have done nothing wrong .

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/11/2020 05:57

I don’t think there’s anything you can say, OP. You were clear that you were talking about yourself. It’s up to your friend to come to terms with her own feelings. Continue to be clear that you support her choices and ask her to return that respect and support your own.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/11/2020 06:04

She probably only asked you because she wanted support and someone to say the things she wanted to hear. As a good friend, when you know she’s going through ivf and so wants a child, you don’t then be honest. Similarly in 10 years if she has a child and you don’t and you say ‘should I have had kids’ as a way to make yourself feel better - you don’t then want her to say yes, you really missed the boat! That’s not what friends do!

anxiiousone · 14/11/2020 06:11

@Catsup

To be totally honest I think it's one of those instances of 'don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer 😕'.
This. She asked you about your personal situation and you answered her with your truth.
GreySkyClouds · 14/11/2020 06:13

@Catsup

To be totally honest I think it's one of those instances of 'don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer 😕'.
This.
Dopeyduck · 14/11/2020 06:28

I don’t think you’ve said anything wrong - she asked!

You’ve reassured her that it’s a personal thing not a general feeling towards others choices and that’s enough.

She is clearly feeling sensitive etc over this. Just try to let it lie and move on. When things are clearer / less emotional for her she’ll see your opinion is perfectly reasonable (as is hers) and she’ll be fine.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/11/2020 06:33

@GrumpyHoonMain

She probably only asked you because she wanted support and someone to say the things she wanted to hear. As a good friend, when you know she’s going through ivf and so wants a child, you don’t then be honest. Similarly in 10 years if she has a child and you don’t and you say ‘should I have had kids’ as a way to make yourself feel better - you don’t then want her to say yes, you really missed the boat! That’s not what friends do!
The equivalent in 10years time would be the OP asking “Do you regret having kids?” and getting upset if her friend said “No.”

If you want support from your friends ask them about yourself don’t hedge expecting them to deny their own reality when you ask personal questions about their experience. That’s narcissistic and really disrespectful..

Thehollyandtheirony · 14/11/2020 06:36

What did she expect you to say? Presumably she already knows that you don’t hate children so she probably knew the answer before she asked.

SoloMummy · 14/11/2020 06:37

Having gone through fertility treatment and being an older mum, I'd say that your friend was looking for validation and reassurance that she's doing the right thing.

I can say that when I had got to 42,i already knew that I was the other side of considering a second child. My choice. My reasoning. But I already knew that having had a child so late, that another would have taken considerable physical toll and I wanted to be able to give my all to my first.
However, had I not had my first, I think that I would have continued until the money ran out to have been successful, 42 or older....

Your reasonings sound more like you haven't come to terms with your own past issues and that actually your decision isn't actually your own iykwim. You didn't once say that you don't want children or to be a mum. That's very different to your explanation.

5zeds · 14/11/2020 06:40

I would imagine she’s upset because you feel differently to what she hoped not because you answered nor because she wants you to change your mind. Imagine she was going to have an abortion and had asked if you would do the same, and you said “no”. The difference causes the upset .