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Original poster

I upset my friend who is having ivf

122 replies

Deepseafiver · 14/11/2020 02:43

My friend and I are both 42. Neither of us has children. She is trying for a child with Ivf

During a facetime chat tonight she asked me if I ever considered trying for a baby now. I said no because I felt I was too old now. She got upset at this as she felt this was critical of her. I tried to explain that this was just personal to me. My parents had me very young and I can't get my head around being 60 and my kid bring a teenager. Both my parents were seriously ill in their early 50s and my Mum basically lost interst in my sister and I when she went through the menopause in her mid 40s. She came round to us again after but it was an awful time really. Luckily we were older but it would have bern awful if we had been small.

Im sure not all parents are like rhis but it makes me feel that for me its better to have them young or not at all.

How to I reassure her my feelings aren't a personal slight?

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 14/11/2020 06:45

🤷🏼‍♀️ honestly wouldn't worth any more about this. You've apologised. She asked you a personal question and you gave an honest answer relative to your personal circumstances. If she didn't want to know, she shouldn't have asked. It is what it is.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 14/11/2020 07:17

Perhaps tell your friend you’re sorry you never meant to upset/offend her and it is ‘just’ your feelings on it.

I had my three children in my 40’s but I live in commuter belt area and all the mums here had their children in their 30’s/40’s because we all had a career first so she would fit in to the ‘norm’ here.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/11/2020 07:22

It's always awkward when someone sounds like they are asking for an opinion when they actually want your validation. I don't think you did anything wrong.

Personally I had an upper limit for when I wanted to give birth because I have a family history of some pregnancy complications which I figured would be worse the older you get. I know loads of people who had their babies older than this because it's their life, their situation and their decision.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Menopause Women's health
DailyCandy · 14/11/2020 07:27

She sounds too immature to be having a child. Regardless of her age. If she needs everyone to be 'with' her on this decision - perhaps she's not as certain as she ought to be.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 14/11/2020 07:31

I had a baby at 43 and certainly didn’t need ‘validation’.

If your friend was having a loft conversion and asked you if you ever considered converting your own loft would you say

A. “God, no, all that mess, noise and expense, and I think they make houses look ugly from the back, and don’t raise the value of the house as much as the cost”
B. “No we don’t need one but yours is going to be great”

housemdwaswrong · 14/11/2020 07:42

I'm really surprised at all the answers on here. No, you didn't say anything wrong per se, but it was insensitive. She's going through a difficult process, and just wanted some reassurance that it would be okay. Not because she's too immature, but because it's a difficult process. My mate is going through ivf, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. She probably knows she over reacted, and is kicking herself, but managing the hormone fluctuations alongside the emotional burden is difficult.

I wouldn't mention the age thing again, no need to, she knows what you think. I'd just go for all-out support, and she'll probably be relieved to not have to discuss the age aspect again. It's a long hard road for her, and she's probably had to cross off loads of people from her 'they'll be supportive' list as people take interest initially then write it off as one of those things with 'you can try again, don't worry' type comments. She'll be pleased enough that you're not one of them if you carry on showing support.

I could be wrong of course, only seeing it my friend's experience.

RedMarauder · 14/11/2020 07:45

OP your friend is probably on MN and keeps reading threads were any woman over 40 is considered to be too old to be a mother, and is checking out whether people have this stance in rl.

In future if someone you know is going through or doing something that isn't for you turn the subject back to them if they ask a question about it.

I'm saying this as an older mother who was a child of an older mother.

StillStriving · 14/11/2020 07:49

If it were me I'd send her a text saying you didn't mean to upset her, you were talking about yourself only because of your experience with your parents, and that you fully support her decision and are there for her.

You weren't technically wrong to answer as you did but it was possibly a bit insensitive to someone going through a very hard process and clearly trying to grapple with the many difficult issues. She will likely be under a massive about of stress and questioning everything.

You clearly are a sensitive person and a great friend as you've asked about this so I'd try to reassure her and then move forward.

Suzi888 · 14/11/2020 07:49

She asked you a personal question and got an honest answer Hmm. You’ve apologised for upsetting her, there’s nothing else you can do.
If you’d said yes to her question to save her feelings, what then? Confused. She’s being unreasonable!

CatbearAmo · 14/11/2020 07:53

To be honest, she didn't think about upsetting you when she asked the question.
Maybe you can't afford the ivf or have found out it won't work for you. Maybe it's a decision you have struggled with. Maybe not but how does anyone else know?
That is a thorny question to ask in the first place.
I wouldn't go around asking difficult questions if I didn't want difficult answers.
So I would explain you understand why she's upset but that it really is a personal question and everyone has a personal answer,

JoJoSM2 · 14/11/2020 07:54

Some women going through IVF get very very sensitive and can take things personally. I would just send her a message to say that you do wish her all the best and leave it at that.

Constance1 · 14/11/2020 07:54

@Catsup

To be totally honest I think it's one of those instances of 'don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer 😕'.
But the friend didn't ask about age related issues specifically just if the OP had thought about having children. That's a perfectly normal question between friends, and the OP could have been a bit more tactful. But no real harm done I'm sure - if your friend is doing IVF OP then she'll be taking lots of hormones which I've heard really mess with your emotions. So she may be feeling a bit more sensitive than usual. Especially as you struck a nerve - her age in regards to fertility must have been something she's thought about.
Bluntness100 · 14/11/2020 07:54

Actually I think you could have been more sensitive. Your statement implies if you think you’re too old then you think she is too.

Sometimes we don’t have to be brutally honest.

It’s like she said oh I’m buying this skirt would you wear it and you saying oh god no that would be mutton pretending to be lamb and thr trying to back track and say that only applied to you not her.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 14/11/2020 07:57

IVF is hard, but I disagree that you were the one being insensitive.

She was being insensitive to ask. I'm childfree by choice and it flabbergasts me that others seem to take my choice as a personal slight against their choice to have kids. It's not.

I think it's natural to try seek out people in the same situation as you for reassurance but you didn't say anything wrong.

I'd just leave it op. Don't apologise. Your feelings are as valid as hers.

Charleyhorses · 14/11/2020 07:57

Ah, you dropped a bollock......
Just backtrack a bit.
" You seemed a bit upset about our conversation. I don't want a baby at this stage of my life but lots do and I'm sure you'll be a great parent, wish you all the luck in the world.....

Standrewsschool · 14/11/2020 07:58

She’s going to have to get used to people thinking that 42 is too old to have a child. You won’t be the first to say or think this.

If she mentions it again, all you can do is explain what you’ve said to us, and reiterate that you are pleased for her and support her.

Wyntersdiary · 14/11/2020 08:00

Personally i wouldnt have a child after 35, i dont think other people who do are in the wrong i just dont think it fits my plans that i have :D i have a 20 year plan! i am late 20s with a 1 and 2 year old so at the moment my plan is going to plan haha

XiCi · 14/11/2020 08:01

I'm really surprised at all the answers on here. No, you didn't say anything wrong per se, but it was insensitive
Exactly this. You were rude and insensitive and you must know this. She is your friend and is going through a difficult process because she is desperate for a child. She didnt ask you if you thought she was too old, she asked you if you would consider having children. No, I'm too old would sound to most people of the same age a criticism that they are too old, a judgement. Why on earth wouldnt you just say no, I think that ship has sailed, or a thousand other similar things that wouldnt upset your friend. You owe her an apology.

joystir59 · 14/11/2020 08:01

For your friend to be offended it sounds as if you touched a nerve- perhaps deep down she feels as if she is pushing the boundaries age-wise? Otherwise why would your comment bother her? You were commenting from your own perspective, you weren't criticising her choices. Just let it rest

JudyGemstone · 14/11/2020 08:05

You did nothing wrong, she asked a direct question and you gave an honest answer.

It's a good point about the impact of menopause on parenting young children, and not something everyone considers.

I'm 41 and I couldn't think of anything worse than having a baby now! I had my kids in my 20s and they're teenagers now.

joystir59 · 14/11/2020 08:06

People choosing to go through IVF because they are desperate to have a child do not put them beyond comment or the honest feedback if their friends. They are not in a life threatening situation and to be involuntarily childless is not the end of the world.

XiCi · 14/11/2020 08:10

Personally i wouldnt have a child after 35
Personally the last thing I would have wanted in my 20s (or early 30s for that matter) was to have a child. I travelled the world, built a career, basically had the time of my life. I had my first child at 39 and 10 years later think it was the best decision I ever made. I wouldnt say to someone having a baby in their 20s 'youre too young' though. It doesnt take much to realise everyone is different and to show a bit of sensitivity around what is an emotive subject.

CaledoniaCatalan · 14/11/2020 08:11

You have done absolutely nothing wrong:
You only answered a question put to you, if your friend doesn't like the answer she shouldn't have asked.
It would be different if you'd forced your views on her with out asking for them but you didn't you simply answered her question

FlyNow · 14/11/2020 08:11

You aren't wrong as it's such a personal thing, but yes it was a bit insensitive.

You didn't have to pretend to be desperate for a kid but you could have just said "no, it's not for me". We all have foot in mouth moments though. I've had bloody hundreds that keep me awake at night cringing!

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 14/11/2020 08:12

What an awfully insensitive, truly hurtrul thing to say to someone who is trying for a baby at the same age as you. In all honesty, if I were her, I'd be re-evaluating the friendship. I can't imagine coming out with something like that to a friend, or anyone really, in a similar situation.