I upset my friend who is having ivf

[Deepseafiver]

My friend and I are both 42. Neither of us has children. She is trying for a child with Ivf

During a facetime chat tonight she asked me if I ever considered trying for a baby now. I said no because I felt I was too old now. She got upset at this as she felt this was critical of her. I tried to explain that this was just personal to me. My parents had me very young and I can't get my head around being 60 and my kid bring a teenager. Both my parents were seriously ill in their early 50s and my Mum basically lost interst in my sister and I when she went through the menopause in her mid 40s. She came round to us again after but it was an awful time really. Luckily we were older but it would have bern awful if we had been small.

Im sure not all parents are like rhis but it makes me feel that for me its better to have them young or not at all.

How to I reassure her my feelings aren't a personal slight?

Lol I'm 32 and someone asked me if I would be having anymore kids, I currently have 2 the youngest is 3. I told that person I feel too old and couldnt do the newborn stage again and that is separate yo me having horrendous pregnancies however a really good friend is 45 and was peri menopausal and then fell pregnant with number 4 and tells me it's not too bad 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ (personally I think the sleep deprivation has sent her kooky 🤣🤣🤣🤣)

@Standrewsschool I'm lying next to a 4 month old I had at 42. No one has been so rude or insensitive to say I was too old. In fact people have been asking me whether I will have any more. Op has been hugely insensitive to someone she knows is going through ivf.

Reassure her that you don’t think it’s too old for someone to have a baby, it’s just too old for you to have a baby.

@caledonia
Totally agree. I wouldn't have wanted a child in my twenties. I never did and now I look back and am glad I didn't. I had all mine in my 30s but the last one definitely took its toll and I wouldn't choose to have one over 40 however I would rather be 42 than 22. It's personal choice

People are saying that you struck a nerve and that's why shes upset but actually I'm wondering if it was your friend that has hit a nerve with you, that maybe you're are upset that you dont have children, feel you have left it too late and got a bit defensive? I think you were insensitive to say that you (and as she is the same age, your friend) are too old. But similarly I think she is also a bit insensitive to ask the question she did of you when you are 42 and childless

OP I wouldn’t worry, your friend will have asked in the hope that by saying yes you would consider ivf , it would confirm she is doing the right thing.
I once innocently ( stupidly) asked a young, under 30, ex colleague who I bumped into if she was thinking of starting a family. It turned out she was having problems and I got my head bitten off. I learned my lesson and I don’t ever discuss having dc generally with anyone. It’s a very emotive subject best left alone.

To be honest, she didn't think about upsetting you when she asked the question

I agree. It is an intrusive question to ask a 42 year old childless woman, and I suspect your answer (which was tactless but honest) might have come out a bit unpolished because you were caught off balance.

I had DS at 40 and I knew it was old. Most people don't say it out loud, but I know perfectly well they wouldn't make the same choice, so I don't put them on the spot by asking.

This thread is just an excuse for nastiness and judgement about older women having children, isn’t it

You should have just said ‘I don’t know, maybe, but it may be tricky at this point’ and moved on. Don’t raise it again. I think you will find that many people don’t consider 42 to be too old so your views would be likely to offend.

This!

Just backtrack a bit.
" You seemed a bit upset about our conversation. I don't want a baby at this stage of my life but lots do and I'm sure you'll be a great parent, wish you all the luck in the world.....

@CatbearAmo

To be honest, she didn't think about upsetting you when she asked the question. Maybe you can't afford the ivf or have found out it won't work for you. Maybe it's a decision you have struggled with. Maybe not but how does anyone else know? That is a thorny question to ask in the first place. I wouldn't go around asking difficult questions if I didn't want difficult answers. So I would explain you understand why she's upset but that it really is a personal question and everyone has a personal answer,

Exactly.

You said you felt you were too old. If she chooses to apply that to her, that's (to use a phrase I really dislike...) on her. Tbh I think your explanation of your personal experience was more insensitive - you put your mother's failings down to her age, which is quite a leap. I know plenty of women who have gone through menopause and none who have lost interest in their children.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

To be honest, she didn't think about upsetting you when she asked the question

I agree. It is an intrusive question to ask a 42 year old childless woman, and I suspect your answer (which was tactless but honest) might have come out a bit unpolished because you were caught off balance.

I had DS at 40 and I knew it was old. Most people don't say it out loud, but I know perfectly well they wouldn't make the same choice, so I don't put them on the spot by asking.

It's an intrusive question to ask any woman of any age!

Why should the OP have had to adjust her answer just because her friend is going through IVF.

IVF doesn’t mean no-one is entitled to tell the truth about their own circumstances for fear of upsetting them, IVF is their personal journey. She asked the OP if she had ever wanted children. Maybe the OP did once and now thinks she’s to old. What should she have said? “No, I never wanted children?” I suspect that the precious friend would have taken that personally as well.

There’s nothing the OP could have said that couldn’t be perceived by someone as hurtful.

The woman asked a question and got an answer. She needs to get a grip.

Lol I'm 32 and someone asked me if I would be having anymore kids, I currently have 2 the youngest is 3. I told that person I feel too old and couldnt do the newborn stage again

The point is, for the many people who say this, anyone of any age is run ragged by two or more toddlers, serial sleep deprivation etc, so starting again feels daunting.

But consider that it might be the circumstances of being a parent to a clutch of little ones, or the demands of raising teens.

A child-free 40 yo is starting their pregnancy with all their energy and stamina intact.

It's an intrusive question to ask any woman of any age!

Actually yes, you're right!

It would be different if you'd forced your views on her with out asking for them

She kinda did though. The friend asked if she would, not for an explanation of why. A simple, 'No, I wouldn't,' would have sufficed, possibly followed up with, 'but we're all different and I'm sure you'll love being a mum.'

As others have said I would just drop it, maybe just reassure her you know she'll be an amazing mum.

I had DC at 38 and am a bit self conscious about being older. Most people didnt bat an eyelid but I had a couple of daft comments. Best to get used to brushing them off.

However it wasn't the most tactful thing of her to ask either. What if you DID want kids and IVF wasn't an option? Could have easily been you leaving the call in tears.

And just to add that the ‘well, I meant me has completely ruined a long standing friendship of mine.Whether she means her or not, I got sick to death of hearing how fat she was when I am at least a stone heavier and not obese, of how incredibly old she is and an embarrassment to her children (she was 35 and 37 when she had them - I’m due this month, 40 and I want another.)

Whether you ‘mean you’ or not, the message is either that you don’t care about hurting your friends feelings or that you are so self absorbed that you don’t realise your comments could be hurtful to the person you are talking to.

Exactly RainingBatsAndFrogs. I had dd at 39 and found the baby years an absolute breeze, and I was back at work when dd was 12 weeks. Maybe all those years staying up all night partying was good practice . I'm fit and healthy so lucky on that point but dont have any less energy now at 49 than I did at 29.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

What an awfully insensitive, truly hurtrul thing to say to someone who is trying for a baby at the same age as you. In all honesty, if I were her, I'd be re-evaluating the friendship. I can't imagine coming out with something like that to a friend, or anyone really, in a similar situation.

Goodness! There is no need for such a hysterical over reaction

Are you always this easily offended @AwaAnBileYerHeid?

The OP was not casting aspersions on her friend's decision to go through IVF. She said tha she felt that she was too old, and there is nothing wrong with that.

And I say that as someone who had a baby at nearly 42.

I'm 43 and always say I'm too old. My kids are 13,11 and 6. I always desperately wanted children so I guess if it had't happened I might have been doing the same as your friend now. But personally now I definitely wouldn't! I've definitely said I'm too old to people who are having kids in their early 40s and they've not been offended. It sounds like your friend is sensitive about it. If you've apologised and explained perhaps the only thing left to do is show support in some way. Perhaps send her a card

It's always awkward when someone sounds like they are asking for an opinion when they actually want your validation. I don't think you did anything wrong.
I agree. Friend asked OP a question about OP. OP gave her feelings based on her life.

There's a difference between 'I feel too old to have a baby right now' and 'I think 42 is too old to have a baby'.

I find it frustrating when people ask questions about other people's experiences and then get upset or take offence if someone else's experience being different.

I had my 3rd child at the age of 36. I knew my body couldn't physically or mentally cope with having another baby after that age. I am 47 now and it was definitely the right decision, for me.
Your friend opened the conversation, she asked you about your opinion, everyone is entitled to their own choices. Don't feel had.

I'm 42, childless and don't feel like I would want to have kids either. I could probably cope with a baby now but I think about all of the hassle I put my parents through as a teenager and honestly don't like the idea of coping with that in my sixties. Like you though, I would be absolutely supportive of any friends wanting to try for a baby in their forties. Your friend did ask you and you replied to her question honestly. It's a bit unreasonable of her to be annoyed.