I was typing out a long one about my moods and emotions last night, touched the wrong bit of the screen and lost it.
Basically I feel as flat as the 2D zoom fitness class I just did instead of the real 3D class that it is subsituting for.
By baseline mood is slipping down, and the things that make me smile and laugh feel weaker and weaker with less after glow. I can have bad days when it's sunny now. I remember days after losing my uncle in awkward circumstances feeling grateful that the weather was beautiful and getting strength from that, and distracting myself in work and my usual activities so that the raw grief was not constant.
This is constant and in that way it is worse than grief. It limits what you can do. Stops you distracting yourself in company. It is intrusive in things like adverts and the media. When you go out it's the annonymous masks, irrational behaviour, rules, (many irrational), having to pre-plan. In things like literature previously fantasy/ sci-fi plots feel like gritty contemporary social commentary, and fluffy light stuff hammers in more prohibitions.
I am concerned that I'm slipping into depression. Bad days and moods are becoming more frequent and not particularly connected to a specific trigger. I never used to be angry. I'm short tempered and can have tearful days.
What I need is the excitement and reliability of anticipating something. Spontenaity, company, purpose. It wil take time even when normality resumes, but I am concerned that I might not make it through the winter with sound emotional health.
A lot of the self-help mindfulness stuff is not helpful. I am living in the bloody moment... what else have I been able to do since mid-March???