SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

I genuinely think you should get a divorce.

No. DH and I have £200 each of our own every month in our own bank accounts. I use that for:

Make up
Non essential clothes
Non essential beauty stuff (like if I want nicer shampoo etc than I get on the weekly shop)
Non essential shoes and bags
Going out with my friends
Treats like having nails done or a massage etc
Birthday and Xmas presents for DH

DH spends his on

Football subs
Non essential clothes/trainers
Going out with friends/his hobbies
Birthday and Xmas gifts for me

Everything else comes out of the joint account. Clothes we need (for example all of my maternity clothes, if I need new bras, if DH needs a new suit for work) anything child related, anything house related, all fuel, all groceries, all bills, family days out/holidays, Christmas and birthday gifts etc.

The £200 is 'ours' for our wants. If money were ever tight we'd reduce it equally so we always have the same (even if that meant some months we'd each have zero).

It's not fair if it's not equal and I wouldn't have become a sahm if DH was going to have more than me! My contribution to our family is just as valuable as his, it's just unpaid.

We share all our money but that would be a huge amount of personally spending money for me!
Does depend on how wealthy you are. For us, I don’t have that kind of spending money because we don’t have it. If my husband got a pay rise, I would be correspondingly better off. So is inequity the issue?

why do you do that? to protect your pension/NI contributions?

£110k and you get £200 😳 fuck me!! I earn 1/3 of that and spend more than 200 for the things you've listed.

Where is the rest of the money going, quite frankly I think its disgusting. I mean earning that and the ref to his family, do you move in social circles? Not that it's a case of keeping up with the jones' but surely there's a certain element of lifestyle to be accustomed to here.

How old are you by the way and what career worth did you give up??

Honestly, that’s my monthly budget after bills, & I have to buy food from that as well. No car, foot pain, similar walk to town, complicated glasses prescription. I buy glasses etc as infrequently as possible. I have an annual prescription prepayment card as I have 6 regular prescriptions each month.

But I don’t wear makeup, don’t “do” or dye my hair, don’t buy many clothes. I’m very low maintenance. It all depends what you’re used to & can get used to.

I do think £200 a month for you, from the income you mentioned, is quite low unless you have an exceedingly large mortgage or something.

£200 per month and he earns £110k per year You need to advise him of your day rate as a nanny and tell him that unless he ‘pays’ you this then you’ll be getting a job and he’ll be paying it anyway. This is disgraceful. He must take home £6k plus a month!

I’m so sorry I didn’t read your OP properly.
No you aren’t unreasonable to pay off the credit card. But way more of an issue is the inequality. It’s of course possible to manage of £200/month. I spend less. BUT I don’t have a husband earning 110k a year leaving me in debt whilst he keeps it all for himself.

@pinpinbin

why do you do that? to protect your pension/NI contributions?

If the sah parent claims child benefit even if they opt out of payment then they get NI credits towards their state pension up until their youngest child turns 12

@pinpinbin Yes that’s right. You have to build up 35 years of NI credits for a full state pension so it’s really important to keep claiming them if you spend a few years at home with children.

I really hope this is fake but if its not...for comparison my OH earns £40k less than yours and is giving me £500 a month for the year I'm on mat leave. I also get £300 mat benefit (self employed). I pay for a car, petrol and any baby classes I want to do but other than that I cover the same stuff as you.

He's taking the piss. You would only need to work 5 hours a week on minimum wage to earn the same from a job. Keep the money you've won and give him the CC bill to clear and have a good long discussion about how he's treating you.

You may wish to point out an au pair who would ordinarily only do couple hours a day of child stuff and no housework would get paid more than that!!!!

This doesn't border on financial abuse it is abuse - shit some teens get that much a month without other responsibilities.

He is swanning about in designer wear. the 200 should just be your purse money with that sort of salary. You are providing all child care, all home services, cleaning etc etc etc and he is "paying" you 200

Your head needs a wobble.

Put the 300 away somewhere and ask him for more money - I think you should at least be transferred 500 pm plus have your clotheses bills met for you

Yes, I agree- obviously depends on income, but for what your husband earns I agree this is financial abuse. I would show your husband this thread, and if things don't change would consider divorce. The starting position in legal discussions about divorce would be 50:50 split.

SAHM here. Equal access to joint account where everything comes out of it. He never questions my spending, trusts me to manage OUR money just as he does. I think your biggest issue here is that he is spending crazy money on himself yet you're 'allowed' pennies. I would have a serious think about your situation and how to equalise this relationship.

I probably could, but can you? It doesn't seem like much.
Can you talk to your husband about the debt etc?

@combatbarbie

You may wish to point out an au pair who would ordinarily only do couple hours a day of child stuff and no housework would get paid more than that!!!!

^^ put’s it into perspective.

Did he promise - ''With all my worldly goods I do thee endower '' when you married? Or don't they do that any more?! Remind him.

Keep the £300 to yourself.
Get him to pay off the CC and up your allowance..until you split from the fucker. You'd get at least £1000 in child maintenance based on that income.

Have you ever tried to talk to him about this?

If he's on £110k a year that is a huge amount of money. And you 'get' £200 a month?

You haven't said how old your children are, but look for a job (shelf-stacking/anything), get some independence and then divorce. Sorry.

Have you calculated all the incoming and outgoings? I dont know if you have a massive mortgage pensions, so much into savings for your retirement etc, what is spent on cars and their maintenance.
We really cannot calculate whether this is financial abuse without knowing the whole circumstances. In London with a large .outrage £110k .ight not go as far as you think.
I think that you need to do some digging with regard to the finances and work it out.
Then calculate whether you would be better off in the marriage or divorced.
It sounds cold but if you don't look after yourself nobody else is going to.
Both people in a marriage need to know exactly where the money is going not just one party.
You cannot afford to be clueless about your finances and let your husband lead. This a marriage between 2 people. You are not staff.

I can't say whether that amount of money could cover those specific expenses. However, that's irrelevant.

My XH was a tight bastard, but I was a SAHM for goodness knows how long, and we had one account: a joint one. We had credit cards (again, jointly), which were paid off every month.

I didn't go around splashing money on fancy stuff, but it never crossed my mind to wonder about buying routine items. Any big expenses (car, computers, school fees, etc) were joint decisions.

This was one of the very few things we got right. If one person is a SAHP, all the money should be family money.

Did the Op ever come back?

That said: in your situation, OP, I would not mention the £300 as things are so unequal anyway. However, I would re-negotiate how the finances work in your marriage.

You are essentially getting an allowance which makes me feel quite sad.so I'm a sahm and dh always says he'd have left his job if it had made financial sense but because I left mine and allowed him to keep working we are even. Now it doesn't work out like this, I dont buy skincare unless it's a fiver in the shops, get hair cuts once every 2 years and I'm low on clothes but that's just cos we're coming out of a rough few years (him sick, no lodger in the apartment we own, rent increases etc). If I wanted to buy chanel weekly I'm sure we'd argue about it, and we have argued about me wanting to get the kids clothes when we were seriously poor but in general it's not an allowance situation, it's just a joint account we both have bank cards for and we talk out purchases first anyhoo. It's the prescription that worries me most, how can he limit how much you pay for essential? OP I'd just have a chat tbh (haven't read the thread but am assuming there's some ltb)