SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Reading these comments must be a shock to you OP. Sometimes we get so enmeshed in our situation we don't see the reality of it. You are being treated with great disrespect by your husband. Is this how you want to live your life? Please have a conversation with him and get yourself a fairer share of the family wealth that, as his wife, you are entitled to. You shouldn't be struggling on £200 per month to cover all those requirements. If you go onto Gransnet you will see women, in their 60's, who have been financially abused all their lives with no pension, in great distress. Don't let yourself be that woman - take control of your life and speak up.

OMG! My jaw has just hit the floor. Reading your OP I was expecting your husband earnings to be about 25k. So you would be on a tight budget. This sounds like financial abuse. Of to read full thread but had to comment after reading OP.

I’m a SAHM, when I started reading your OP I was going to write about how £200 wouldn’t be too bad if it was just for your bits and pieces but it was unreasonable to expect you to cover family expenses out of this too. Then I got to the bit about him earning £110k so I’m changing my response to....what a fucking tight bastard!

What loving husband sees his wife struggling, not being able to cover essentials like clothes, prescriptions and glasses without running up credit card debt whilst swanning about in designer clothes with a £42k car!!

I wouldn’t tell him about the £300 winnings - I’d bloody spend it on some clothes for myself, never mind the credit card. Tell him about it and that he can pay it too!!

Tell him you need more money, if he will not give you access to more, get out. He is abusive. You will get more in maintenance. It will only get worse. You are being treated as a second class citizen by him. Know your worth. You should be in a partnership but you are in a dictatorship where the fat cats at the top have everything and those below have very little. You deserve better and again, know your worth.

@Completmentfille

I'd be binning your husband, he's financially abusive.

Seriously? You’re advising splitting based on what? The fact she’s not even talked to him about it yet and you have no idea what his response is?

This knee jerk ridiculous jump to LTB is all too common and, as in this case, based on nothing in the OPs situation.

@RandomMess

No £200 would couldn't what you have listed!!!

Sounds like almost slavery to me too.

I would be divorcing him tbh.

And another one jumping to LTB based on what?

‘stayathomer

You are essentially getting an allowance which makes me feel quite sad.so I'm a sahm and dh always says he'd have left his job if it had made financial sense but because I left mine and allowed him to keep working we are even.’

This!! In our family, I gave up work to support our family because it made sense for all of us and allows DH to be in a better position to do his job (long hours, away from home etc)! Families should be a team - not him and his money and then you and whatever scraps he throws your way!

I just don’t understand threads like this, plenty of people live on less, plenty more. Is it enough is subjective.

If it’s not enough for you snd he doesn’t wish to increase it, which is his right legally then keep applying for jobs.

What sort of roles are you qualified for, focus on that.

Fuck me, I'd divorce the tight bastard and also get a job. You are a skivvy, I presume you do all housework, washing and childcare?

@Morgan12

I genuinely think you should get a divorce.

Genuinely why? Explain to me why? Based on what the OP has said she’s not even spoken to him about this yet. We know nothing about him, and how he reacts/changes.

I think the real problem here is that you feel unable to tell your OH that you cannot manage on this and that you have a credit card debt accumulating.

This is not an equal relationship - it is totally cock-eyed. If you both loved each other and were in a true partnership, you would not be asking these questions.

The day my OH and I got married we had just one bank account - a joint one - and whatever we earned went in there. Sometimes he was earning more, sometimes me (indeed he was a student when I married him) but all the money was ours together. We spent as we saw fit and only discussed big outlays. We trusted and respected each other. Yours is not a marriage - it is slavery.

That seems so wrong OP.

We've each been the only salary earner at times in our house - we both have direct access to the earnings and spend as we normally would. I don't understand the allowance, especially one so limited.

I hope you manage to come to a better agreement on finances.

Tell him you need more money, if he will not give you access to more, get out. He is abusive. You will get more in maintenance

So it’s all about what she can get, not what she can earn?

@wizzbangfizz

Fuck me, I'd divorce the tight bastard and also get a job. You are a skivvy, I presume you do all housework, washing and childcare?

Yet another one

You’d divorce? Seriously? Based on what? Explain to my why this is a remotely sensible thing to do when the OP hasn’t even discussed this with him yet?

I did this for years and it's miserable. It was just enough but literally every penny had to be counted and I was very restricted!

Hair cuts were every 6 months at that, home hair dying my only option and I was restricted to how many baby groups etc I could go to.

It wasn't for me. My dc are now older and I work full-time. My income is higher than average and the thought of going back to the days of £200/mth make me want to cry.

Child benefit for 2 kids would be £35 a week. What he gives you arguably covers their costs but not yours.

You’re advising splitting based on what? The fact she’s not even talked to him about it yet and you have no idea what his response is?

You don't think he has worked out that if he is on 110k a year, buying expensive cars and clothes, but expecting his wife to get by on £200 then that is abuse? Is anyone genuinely so thick they would need to be spoken to before they realise that?

The answer is no. It is abuse and he knows it.

He is being financially abusive to you

Hi OP. I can imagine being part of a highly frugal family has long lasting effects. I'm sure your DH would be very unsupportive of your credit card debt. I think you should show him the list you have written and the costs of those things and work out the budget you would actually need to cover that. Then you need a proper discussion. If you divorced he would have to give you half - £55k. That would shake him up! Good Luck.

That not nearly enough, an as stated the childrens expenses are joint not yours. I think you should ask your husband for a debit card to his account so you have access to your joint money. Also as he is frugal, set up a budget with him so he can see where the money needs to go.

No one should have only 200 for all that a month when the household.income is 110k!

Havent you spoken to your DH about this? It isnt enough money, you have saved thousands on child care by staying at home. You need to be up front that the money isnt enough, he needs to pay off the credit card debt and increas your monthly allowance until you get a job. Then you can see how he gets on doing some of the childcare responsibities for his DC as he sounds like the kind of man who would assume nothing should change for him in the event you get a job as he is the bigger earner and expect you to hand over all your money and still be left with 200.

He’s not frugal when it comes to himself though is he? Designer clothes and a fancy car for him and haircuts every 6 months and putting glasses and prescriptions on credit cards for his wife!

I've just read the rest of your post. Op this is financial abuse surely! You can't see your family or friends yet every month he gloats that he's paid off his card debt. He earns £110k a year

Bugger that for a life op. Keep the winnings. May a note of all your costs and tell you dh you want more money, you want direct access to a joint bank account and you want to see your friends and family more.

He's being very unreasonable!

SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT IT, IT IS OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAINCELL THAT THIS IS NOT OK.

Jeez.