SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

On his wages I'd want that a week at least. X

Even people on £100k can claim child benefit but as a PP said it would be paid back by the higher earner due to the child benefit higher income tax charge.

In fact @Livingnearthesea you should be claiming child benefit and maybe opt out of payment in order to protect your NI credits that go towards your state pension.

You can also claim child benefit, which will be paid to you directly. Your DH will have to pay it back to HMRC on his tax return.

I would also set up the credit card payment to come out of the joint account if you've been using it for family expenses

I don't think we spend more than £200 a month on the things you've listed but I wouldn't know for sure as we don't itemise these sorts of things, we both keep an eye on what's in our joint account and budget and spend accordingly. In your situation I would be keeping my winnings to pay off a chunk of the credit card for sure. I'd also be asking my DH for a pay rise, the thought of having to do this makes me cringe though.

Buy yourself some decent shoes / boots as you have plantar fasciitis. I would then confront him about the debt and the amount you spent on your new boots and where the money came from. Then demand to have a decent amount of money. I bet he is saving nothing for you. Good contraception and divorce is your friend. I imagine he is hiding money left right and centre.

@pinpinbin If your income is too high for you to get Child Benefit you can claim it but opt not to receive benefits. That way you still get all the NI credits so your state pension builds up.

I'd be binning your husband, he's financially abusive.

If he won’t budge OP, then go all out on getting a job for yourself. Make it clear that he will have to do 50% of the DC pick ups and any childcare. See how he fancies fitting in those responsibilities around his big job.

He sounds like a right knob, or at the very best, a financially-abusive partner.

Is there any reason why you don't share income 50/50?

I really hope this is a troll post.

Are you a partner or cheap labour? If he had to cover childcare and a cleaner he’d pay so much more.

My friend works full time and her husband earns about £30k, he gives her £200 each month to just spend on herself. She doesn’t need it but he insists.

I’m a sahm and my husbands a high earner. We share absolutely everything from investments to cash. He asks me before he makes a big purchase. I usually do the same.

FFS all the posters shouting abuse at the drop of a hat are being premature.

Yes it’s not enough, yes it’s not right but surely you just say that to him and he should increase it without an issue. Yes some of what you pay for should be joint. Just have the conversation.

If not, if he refuses and intentionally keeps you deprived of money, then the “abuse” chanters might have a point.

What a wanker. I'd tell him to triple it and then some.

Don’t tell him anything about the money, you won it, it’s yours to use as you wish.
Your situation is that he is a tight bastard.

I am a SAHM and my DP earns 37k a year, he takes £100 a month for his personal spends and after bills the rest goes into a joint account to pay for anything me and the children need, family days out etc. We are a team so all money is equally ours.

Your DH sounds like a massive twat and financially abusive.

It's worrying that you have a secret CC debt, and worrying that you feel the need to conceal the £300.
Keep the £300, for sure - he keeps his income - but look at what this is doing to you emotionally.

Have you posted about this before OP, as it sounds familiar and I am sorry you haven’t been able to sort it out if it was you previously.

financial abuse

This is awful! I'm amazed your credit card bill isn't much higher. You must be brilliant at budgeting. I'm a SAHM with two DC and a DH who earns £140k.

DH takes care of all basic household bills and car payments but my monthly amount has to cover all food , kids activities and tutoring costs , mine and the kids clothing and birthday expenses, mine and kids hair cuts , my gym membership. I also pay for the petrol. My allowance for all of this is £1500 p/m and to be honest some months it's not quite enough so occasionally DH tops up the account. He has offered to give me more but I prefer to try to work to my budget so that we can keep putting the same amount into our savings account.

My sister is in a similar situation to you - high earning husband who keeps her very short of money even though he has a no expense spared attitude to his own comfort ( first class travel , drives a ridiculously expensive car and wears designer clothes) He also won't ever include her in major financial decisions. She would actually be better off financially if they divorced.

I really do think it's financial abuse.

You should have a joint bank account with access to all money. 200 a month is very little to what he earns and i am against this 'allowance' crap between couples.

If you've told him this isn't enough money and he's refused to make more available, he's financially abusing you

But you say he's frugal and wears designer clothes? That's not frugal

And doesn't he care that you're not wearing as nice clothes when you go somewhere together? Or does he leave you at home?

None of this is healthy. You're not a partnership.

Also just to say that I do claim child benefit but DH pays it back when he does his tax return.