SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Your husband is an absolute arse. Basically you pay for everything on your pittance and he can spend thousands on what he wants. I’ve been a SAHM for 10 years now, we have one bank account that all the money goes into and out of, I can spend what I want as can dh.
Do not tell him about your winnings, absolutely no way.

If it was £200 a month just for yourself, then I would think that generous, but other things like travel, family presents, mobile, DC costs , should not be coming out of it, if he earns that much.

I would keep a record of your expenses, and then sit down and go through it all with him. Show him your credit card bill and tell him that is what you have had to do in order to have enough money.

There is no way that within a marriage, one person should be wearing designer, and one charity shop, (unless they prefer to of course).

Everything is relevant though, how much is the mortgage and everything that he pays for, so go through all his expenses as well and see how much is left over at the end of the month, then take it from there.

If he doesn't want to give you more money, then you would be better off to go back to work and earn your own money. He can't have it both ways. If he resents paying for you to have things while he works, then you need your own money.

On the subject of PF, my XH had it and suffered badly until he had insoles made by a chiropodist, that were moulded to the shape of his feet. The pain stopped after that.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces

Why don't you just use the joint account to pay for anything to do with the kids or DIY, garden, house etc?

OP
There's nothing I can add that hasn't already been said.

Use the joint account to pay off your credit card.

Use the joint account to pay for all ' must haves' ( prescriptions etc) and anything to do with house and child.

Use the 300 to treat yourself.

I'm interested in how £200 was arrived at?
And do you not have a driver's license?
You may want to learn to drive ( he should pay) and get yourself a sensible, reliable car ( he should pay. It would be a quarter the cost of his).

Your post makes me sad. He is literally telling you, by his actions that you and your child are of little value to him.

No, £50 a week is not enough to survive on. I hope you find work soon and tbh I’d reconsider the marriage once you do.

Diy, paint, bus fares, anything for kids should come out the joint account.
He sounds like a skinflint. Why can't all money be joint?

I'm going to stop reading these threads. The utter shit some people will put up with makes me too mad and sad.

Is this a marriage or a shit business arrangement? Are you his partner or his slave? Does he actually love you or are you just someone to put the hoover round and take care of the kids?

Oh, and someone who spends £42k on a car is not frugal (unless it's a specific tool for their job).

They are just selfish and tight when it comes to other people.

This is quite ridiculous, but OP you have allowed this to happen. Why have you not brought this situation up with him before now?

Firstly, you keep the winnings and tell him nothing about this. Secondly, you tell him how much is on your credit card and why and you sit down and have a frank and open conversation about why £200 per month is not enough.

I don't understand why you have not been buying toiletries, personal items, skincare, make up etc with the weekly shop. Plants and things for the garden are a household budget. Things for the children, well they are his children as well so that comes out of the household budget.

You really have enabled this to just continue. You say he was brought up with a frugal background, well my parents instilled in me the need for savings etc and I follow their mantra. But this is quite ridiculous in your case. Your husband is not that frugal that he sees fit to allocate himself the equivalent of £3,500 per month on a car this year. He's not that frugal that he dresses in charity shop suits, trousers etc. Why does he not want his wife looking nice?

Frankly I would think if he allocated you £200 per week this would still be an imbalance based on his income/family income. There is being frugal and careful with money, then their is financial abuse and being cold heartedly mean. How controlling is he in other ways?

And yes the point about a pension stated above is very important.

I am a SAHM.
The salary gets paid into the joint account.
All bills come from the joint account
All shopping
All spending money
Holiday/big treat/emergency money gets saved at £50/100 per month into a different savings account.
I buy WHATEVER I want from the joint account as does my husband.
I don't ask him or tell him what I spend as we are married and working together toward a common goal: be happy, have money, don't go bankrupt.

We used to run things as you do and it nearly led to divorce. WE had a very strong discussion and it urned out that far from being the tight asshole knob that I had assumed, he genuinely didn't understand how much money is needed to live or how soul destroying it is not to have your own income WHILE YOU ARE STAYING AT HOME TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY AND BY DEFINITION YOUR DH. Sorry for the caps but this blind spot in male eyes really gets to me. You are valuable and what you do deserves thanks and financial support. He is being a dick.

No £200 would couldn't what you have listed!!!

Sounds like almost slavery to me too.

I would be divorcing him tbh.

Oh, yes: pay off some of the CC with the winnings and say nothing about them.

I think you need a Money Date. The Gottmans have an agenda to work through. You have many years ahead so no time like the present to start talking about how to make it work better for you all.

1. No I couldn't cover all those expenses on that amount.
2. Even if I could, the principle of him doling out an amount of his choosing and you doing all his childcare enabling him to earn that money would not be an acceptable principle.

£200 is not enough if he is earning £110k particularly as he is buying himself expensive cars and clothes. You are supposed to be a partnership. Why have you not got a joint bank account? You need to tell him about the credit card bill....good luck

She can't claim child benefit can she as the husband earns too much? Once your joint family income, from whatever sources, is over 58K or whatever it is now, you aren't eligible for child benefit 9or you can claim it but he will have to pay it back in his tax bill).

Nobody earning over 100K (last time I checked it was something like 101k) will get any kind of child benefit or any benefits at all for any of their dependents. Unless they are lying/hiding assets.

This is such a disgusting imbalance OP, and you can’t see it and somehow blame yourself in your opening post OP. Really you ought to have access to his current account for whatever you need....maybe agree to have a chat about intended purchases above £100 to get agreement.
Being a SAHM is not just a privilege...it is actually a sacrifice too upon any career ambitions of your own that you might ever have had? Are you well educated? Could you (if you hadn’t been a SAHM) have paved a successful career of your own? Well, you haven’t. Instead you’ve chosen to be at home with the kids and offer him home support while he has had the space to build his career.....he would have struggled to achieve this without your sacrifice. Your current thinking is far to deferential OP. I’d be aiming for a joint access. Failing that min £1000 per month with household expenses removed from the equation. Agree to review after 6 months with a view to joint access....,if he needs proven reassurance that your not going to blow his earnings on designer labels!

I am going to be brutally honest. He is controlling you, and your letting him. you may be married to him, but your not his equal, he is a greedy, selfish man, and has very little regard for you. Can I ask why you let this happen? I am curious to know why you let him treat you this way?

That is absurd! He is royally taking the piss. Joint access to your account or I would walk.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me

Stopped reading at this point, what it is with all these women who have never heard of the word SHARE? Or the word PARTNERSHIP?

Is he self employed or a company director OP? that might make a difference?

If his 110k a year comes as PAYE salary from a company that he is not a director of then I can't see any excuse.

if you are getting that figure from his own company accounts then the situation might be a bit different and he might not be as wealthy as you think he is.

The only reason the credit card bill has amassed is due to the shortage of income he’s giving you....be careful he doesn’t try to use this to wrongly justify your financial incompetence and therefore your right to access his income. I would list out the household / necessities which you’ve spent over the last year which are over and above what he’s given you.

I'm a single parent and I did think you were being unreasonable at first. I'd love to have £200 per month for me. But then you said that he earns £110k and I changed my mind. Work out what maintenance he'd pay you for child and spousal maintenance if you divorced. You should be getting at least that every month.

Wow - so much is not right here.

It's financial abuse. I know because I've been there. He earns a HUGE amount of money, happily spends on himself and should be meeting far more costs than he is and allowing you unfettered access to all monies.

Garden stuff, DIY stuff and children's stuff should all come out of the joint account, whether he sees the point or not.

You need to have a very frank and honest discussion.

In the meantime, keep the winnings and don't even tell him, it's not deceitful.

And bare in mind that if you separated/divorced on that salary you'd receive AT LEAST £833 per month in child maintenance alone. Plus you'd qualify for universal credit, so would get money towards your rent, and other money to help you support the children. He probably would want, not could he manage, 50-50 care so you'd have the children most of the time.

You would be far better off being single - you're probably practically raising the children alone if he's a workaholic anyway.

I'm sorry, I know it's not really what you asked but it makes me so cross - he's only able to be a workaholic because you are doing everything else with the children and the home to facilitate this. What aspects of the relationship make it a good one?

How would he react if you decided you wanted to work full time and so he'd HAVE to do his share of childcare (nursery/school drop off and collection, holiday cover, looking after them if they're ill etc). and his share of the household/garden chores.

He can afford for you to have MORE than £200 month, yet CHOOSES not to allow it. You should have complete access to all monies and as much 'spending' money to fritter each month as he does. You are his wife/partner NOT HIS EMPLOYEE.

I'm a sahm (covid redundancy) and my DH is low paid NHS staff, he earns 18k a year, and he still gives me 50% of his earnings every month.

Your DH is being tight, this is not an equal partnership.