SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.
What Feelingpoorlysick said.
30 years ago, first husband earned £40K then (God knows how much that would be in today's money) He used to buy expensive stuff from himself, I bought my clothes from a catalogue, paying monthly.
Friends would make jokes about moths in his wallet as he was always the last to buy a round, if he bothered at all.
Then it transpired he'd had a two year affair, but that's another tale.
Give him a reality check about the cost of things & insist on more money.

He is financially abusing you. My DH earns just under half of what yours earns. I work part time, around 16 hours at minimum wage, so I have that income plus child benefit direct to me. He then sends me 900 a month for joint savings account and food which I buy the bulk of. Then the rest goes on Christmas and birthday presents, clothes for DC and I, clubs, books for kids, some household stuff etc We split days out. If I still ended up with a debt that was getting on top of me he'd help me to clear it (we'd use the savings money).

His take home will be circa 9k a month after tax, NI etc.

^ This isn’t true.

While I think this guy is extremely mean. His salary would be approx £5800 after tax etc Then depending on his pension contribution he would probably have less.

Get a PT job and tell him he'll have to pay for the childcare.

He will not take home anywhere near 9k a month after deductions. He is still controlling. Pocket money is for children not adults. OP needs to see a breakdown of household expenses.,

This is financial abuse.
I work full time but my husband who earns 3x my salary gives me £875 for bills food etc (not including rent which he pays) and I use my money for myself and saving for house deposit.
He also spends when we are out and always treats our little one.
He has saved a lot during Covid as he is working from home.

I do wonder how your husband would react if you said you were getting a job as what he gives you is not enough. If you tell him he will be paying the child care bill it might be a shock. Or would he expect you to pay this out of your wages?
Your fear to address this is also an indicator that he is controlling in other ways. It might be time to start looking at how you can get help to ensure you and your child have financial security and no longer live in debt.

To be honest it sounds to me that he is controlling you with the pitance he gives you tell him straight either more money or kick his arse to the kerb and keep your winnings for yourself buy something nice and wear it if he comments negative then you know he is controlling you

That’s really sad OP. No, it isn’t enough. I don’t think your husband is treating you with respect. I would speak to him about it. Perhaps you could discuss him funding some training for you in a field you are interested in if you would like to work again once things pick up. Something that, in time, will put you on more money than your previous job. I think if he is resistant to that idea, you need to ask him why. That might make it apparent as to whether he wants you to be completely dependent on you for what is quite a measly amount.
My husband and I have had periods where we have each been the main breadwinner. I either case we have made sure the other felt entirely comfortable taking money from a joint account to maintain a nice life. Neither of us would bat an eyelid at the other spending £50 on a meal and drinks out with friends once a month and some clothes.

It should not be an allowance either. That makes it sound like he is treating you like a child.

I think you need to gain financial independence. I hope you can see that you’re worth more than this treatment, irrespective of the amount.

Bonkers how people think 110 is 9k a month take home. Many so detached from reality.

@notdawn

Bonkers how people think 110 is 9k a month take home. Many so detached from reality.

To be fair, a salary of £110,000 is pretty far from reality for most of us!

Perhaps but after tax and pensions will be less than 6k.

Don’t get me wrong the bloke sounds awful - but some people really don’t understand deductions.

I earn that and my take home monthly salary is £5700. Regardless, you are being financially abused and this smacks of controlling behaviour. Can you discuss the reality of this situation, or would you be afraid to? If the latter, you are going to need to start considering what needs to happen to regain control of your life, including getting a job and possibly leaving. Can you confide in your own family or a trusted friend? I hope your self esteem is OK - this is a horrible situation and I feel for you

So if he was paying a childminder £5/hour to look after his child, it would be what, 2 hours a morning and 4-5 an evening around school? Plus I assume you do the majority of the weekend time too, so add in another 24 hours a week for that. Which would be somewhere between £250-300 per WEEK just to look after your child.

Now I'm not suggesting that approaching this like a commercial transaction is how things should work in a marriage, nor that this would work for families with more modest earnings. But in terms of valuing what you bring to your arrangements in terms of hard cash, it gives a benchmark for a discussion.

Clearly he sees his earnings as 'his' and not family money. Does he feel like you imposed a child on your marriage? Does he feel like you should pay for childcare if you wanted to go back to work?

None of the warning signs are good, but try to have an open conversation about valuing the work that you each do for your family. There's coming from a tight family, and there's financial abuse....everything here screams the latter, but you should try to frame the value of what you do for your family in the kind of cold hard cash terms that he relates to. You did not sign up for indentured servitude, and no court in the land would expect you to raise your child on that money, when he is earning what he is.

Good luck

FFS HES A TIGHT TWAT GET HIM TOLD

THIS COMMENT IS THE BEST:

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.

You need to get a pt job & some independence. He’s a selfish prick & a control freak. Start living your life & get him to step up and be a parent too. It’s 2020 now, this is not making you happy.

If you have access to a joint debit card pay for paint, garden bits, travel cost and DC days out on this card. I would have it out with him. Tell him everything has gone up since Covid and you just can't manage on what he gives you. Show him your cc bill and tell him you had no choice as he kept you short of money. Whatever you do don't tell him about the £300. You may need that in the future. Stash it away somewhere safe. Make him pay off your cc.

I am not sure how child support he would have to pay you if you separated but it is worked out on percentage of his earnings, so you get get a lot more if you lived apart.

You may not realise but he is financially abusing you. He buys himself a £42k car while you walk in cheap I'll fitting shoes. He buys himself nice clothing whilst you scrimp at charity.shops. Don't put up.with this. You only get one life. Why should you and DC not be included in his earnings. If you don't ask you won't get. Incidentally any debt would be classed as joint debt if you are married regardless of whose name it is in.

Tell him to change of he will.pay for his selfishness.

You've enabled him to earn £110k pa by sacrificing your career to look after your child - yet he only gives you £200 per month?
If you were to add up the childcare and housekeeping hours alone that would be around £200 per week. Does he want a wife or a maid?
Sorry to say this, but I think this behaviour is a form of financial abuse. Please keep your winnings! write out your expenses, work out how much salary you've sacrificed since becoming a SAHM and when you're ready, ask him whether, if he was in your position, 1) could he live off £200 per month, 2) could he really respect someone who treated him like that?

Jeez, I get more in child maintenance from my 5 year olds father (and extra for clothes, school stuff, parties etc)

@Livingnearthesea
“have to say that I disagree with posters saying LTB and divorce, see a solicitor etc. Where do you propose I get the money to pay a solicitor, pay a rent deposit/bond, furnish a property, moving costs etc?? I have no significant income to cover any of this at the present time”

You plan it carefully. You would need to empty the joint account the day the money arrives in it. And get hold of all the details for your joint investment account so you can access that (or at least stop him emptying it) too. Once you get a solicitor, he/she would advise you on what to do next and how to apply for maintenance.

I agree with others. This is an abuse. You are feeling guilty I think. You have no need to feel guilty. In a marriage, finances are legally shared.

I think if you had little left over due to low wages then yes it is manageable. However based on his huge salary it's ridiculous that he gives you this amount. I think you should go back to work and have your own money so you don't have to rely on him. He's v tight.

You need to see do a detailed list of what you need in a month to show him, also household and children's things are a joint expense. I have 2 kids and uniform and school stuff is at least £500 a year, plus clothes and shoes for out of school. He needs to give you more, for all your expenses I'd expect £500 a month then extra in summer for uniform if they are in school.

this is abuse ...plain and simple you are at the best an underpaid housekeeper. He would have to give you half of his assets if you divorced.

@Livingnearthesea £300 is pennies to your DH so keep the winnings. No wonder he’s rich; he doesn’t spend his money on others! £200 a month is fine if it’s your own clothes and toiletries, but you’re expected to spend this on your DC, travel and prescriptions!

You need to write down the costs of all the things you listed. Spending £200 on your DW and DC is not a lot of money.

I have to read this three times to see if I was reading it correctly. This Is abuse tbh. Tight or wherever you need to demand more. You are possibly wasting your life without a career to look after your kids and he is not even giving you enough to go by. Not to be rude but Modern day slavery more likely.

Make sure that you are getting credit for your state pension.