SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Bollocks to that. I am not a big earner but dh needs roughly £500/month for his own “spends”- mainly for himself and his personal stuff, but he will occasionally buy a top up grocery shop, bits for the kids when they go shopping etc.

He also has a second card for my credit card to use for big stuff or if he needs a bit extra.

£200 for everything child and sahm related is abuse. It’s not even enough if it was solely for you.

Tell him you need access to the joint account.

Also tell him you are setting up a private pension and he is paying into each month as if you were working. Not as if he can’t afford it. Point out it’s tax relief too.

I see from your subsequent post that your situation is largely due to a communication issue rather than being in an abusive situation so have the conversation, be honest about the £300 and your debt.

You're right, he probably doesn't have the faintest clue on what things cost so do a spreadsheet so he can relate.

Good luck.

Keep the money and pay of your CC its yours like the £110k wages are his. I don't think he is fare with you though.

Why do you want to stay with him? It doesn't sound like he wants you to be happy.

Do not tell him.
Also 200 is not enough! Can you get a part time job? Tell him you can’t live in that and he can pay for child care as you want to work? Good luck

You don't feel good about this situation yourself and your feelings are pretty accurate, I think. It just doesn't feel right. Do you think your relationship is still of husband and wife? Does he still want you as his wife or is he keeping you because you are cheaper than an au-pair? Ask for more money, and if he says no consider divorce, some things are just not worth clinging to. If he becomes abusive, ask for help. Please don't feel ashamed to talk about your situation. There will be many who will be willing to help.

I think it’s clear some posters have leapt to an unproven conclusion and are defending that.

Thanks for mansplaining to us Bill. And getting it wrong.

Have you explained to him that this way of dividing up finances is really humiliating and infantalisising; I know teenagers with larger allowances! Giving you less than £50 a week to cover everything yet buying designer clothes and a 42 grand car for himself suggests that he is only parsimonious when it comes to you and is profligate when it comes stuff he wants. Unless you have a gambling addiction, I wonder whether he is controlling you using financial abuse. Tbh I'm disgusted in the tight wad; it says a lot about how he values you and the children! It's striking that you have to use public transport with the children, why hasn't he at least ensured you were able to learn to drive and bought you a car? Also if he had to replace the unpaid work you do, he would need to fork out a fortune!

1. Childcare. If he had to pay for childcare it would cost a small fortune for a nanny or childminder. 10 years ago DD1 paid £700 a month to a childminder. DD2 paid £900 for private nursery fees.

2. Housekeeper £10 - 25 per hour

3. Cook & gardener £10 - 25 per hour

4. Decorator £10 - the sky's the limit!

5. Sex £?

My calculations would work out at approx £2,000 month at the least, combining some of the roles.

Your credit card debt is remarkably low considering what you've had t

Why doesn't he pay his salary into the joint account, sort out the household bills etc, put a sum into a savings account and the rest share between you.

Tight fist , controlling bd. Demand at a minimum £700 a month or withdraw cooking/childcare etc You know what I really mean 🤣. Just work out approx his take home pay. Is he squirrelling money away in a hidden account ?

You’re married to a complete arse hole. That’s the only fact you need to know!

His take home pay will be in the region of £6000 and he miserly gives you £200! Wow what a tight fisted controlly b***d

Use the money to pay off part of the CC.

Tell your DH you're taking £600 to pay off CC debt you've accumulated as the pocket money he's providing is not enough. Ask for a talk to discuss what you need. I'd ask for £500 and accept £400.

He's taking home just shy of £6k. Let's be generous and say half of that is going on bills etc and let's say another £1k on 'sundries' (lots of ppl bring home around 1k total...).

That still leaves around £2k-and he gives you £200??? That is outrageous.

For context - our total household earnings is less than half your £110k (by a significant amount) and our daughter gets around £100 each month pocket money. She's 16. She doesn't pay for anything. That's just for her to spend on herself to have fun. Oh - and she (often) asks for more because she's 'run out'!

My husband is on the same salary and he puts £1000 into the joint bank account each month. Out of this I take £600 for our twins and fuel, food and bills. I’m struggling especially having to buy Christmas presents and twin friends birthdays, so I can’t believe you’re trying to live off so little. I know how stressed I get about money having always earned more than my husband before kids but he’s really understanding and realises that kids are expensive and they should never go without. It’s tricky because he’s earning the money but he also sees my job as super important. Maybe you should point out that being a SAHM is a job. I know that after working from home over lockdown that my DH has realised that it’s hard work. Definitely keep the money to pay off your debt but also speak to him and explain you’re struggling. Nothing worse than having to ask for more money so you can buy yourself something as simple as a new pair of knickers! He needs a dose of reality. X

He's an asshole.

OP your post makes me very sad for you. You don't even realize your own self worth. What a terrible thing to live with only £1200 a year WHILE he buys what he wants. Being frugal is one thing, he is being cruel.

His take home will be circa 9k a month after tax, NI etc. Giving you £200 is awful, especially as that’s to be used to support his children. Your joint account should pay for joint things including any of the children’s expenses. We pool our money into our joint allowing ourselves a separate personal amount of money each. This pays for us as individuals if we want to go out with friends, buy new clothes - basically a costs associated purely to us as individuals. You need to have an honest conversation about it. Plus the prize draw money should pay your debt off.

I haven't read the whole thing but I've been in an almost identical situation. If you want to pm me feel free

PS - there's not enough info but from what you describe he seems to be a passive aggressive manipulative controlling husband.

Money (lack of) is the easiest way to manipulate and control a spouse..as you yourself said - if you wanted to leave tomorrow, how exactly would you do that? He's made sure you can't.

Keep the winnings!!
And I think you should be getting more money per month but regardless
of this house/diy/trips with DC come out joint money.

@CorianderLord I am 100% with you.

OP, I cannot believe you let him get away with it. If he doesn’t want you to have to live off him (whist you are a stay at home mum) then perhaps he should quit his job, stay at home with the kids n let you earn whilst he is left with peanuts? See how he likes it. I don’t know what possesses any man to actually believe his SO can live off fresh air.

Don't bother telling him about your win. Just pay off your cc. Not like he is going to do it for you. tell him after you pay it off and tell him why you have credit card bills to pay off. £200 a month is crazy if it has to include everything you pointed out.

@Roo07

I’ve been a sahm for 13 years, other than the occasional part time job over the years. My husband has always put his income into the joint account and I spend what I want, when I want. He now runs his own company and gives me whatever I need. I use a credit card which he pays off every month and I spend a lot more than you’ve mentioned. When I have worked my earnings have always been just for me/kids. My Dh does not earn anywhere near the figure you mentioned but we have a nice life and my dh has never given me a monthly budget. We made a choice that I would give up work and raise the kids and run the house. In my husbands eyes I earn more than he can give me.

This is pretty much the same as me. I've been a SAHM for 13 years with a couple of part time jobs when the eldest started school then finished when the second child came along. My husband earns about 60,000 a year and it all goes into the joint account. I've never had to ask for money. We don't blow money but we're not 'tight' either. Aslong as we have a bit of money in savings he says 'spend what you want'. It's usually me saying 'that's a bit expensive, we don't need that right now'. He rightly says that I do all the child care , all the appointments, all the kids parties and school activities, the cooking, cleaning, shopping washing, ironing, DIY, gardening, accounting etc and if you had to pay people to do all of those jobs it would cost a fortune. I can't believe anyone is expected to survive on £50 a week. It's not as though that's even money for her, he's expecting her to pay for 'their' child's stuff out of her money too!!!

To me this sounds borderline abusive. You look after kids ? Does he pay any child care ? 200 quid pocket money is insulting. You should have access to joint account. If you don’t have access to joint account I suggest you charge him 50 percent of childcare . Full
Time nannies are expensive.

Did I MISS something ?? Wtaf

(( I say this as a main breadwinner female mother ))

The real question is, how much of a share of your net household income after mortgage/bills/essentials do you get? If he insists on a set amount then you should get the same as him as you are a joint partnership.
So he takes home nearly £6k/mth after tax. Say your basic costs add up to are £4K. You should get £1k each. Simples. Do you realise you get less than an au pair who gets £90/week???? You deserve access to a joint account, you shouldn’t have to ask for money.
PS my husband is currently stay at home. Because we respect each other I got him a 2nd card for my account and he spends what he needs to but is trusted not to take the piss. When I wasn’t working he did this for me. You deserve this too.

Why are you doing this to yourself why.
Your worth more than this .
Wake up .
There are no prizes for this acceptance
Are your parents aware that this is what's going on
During your courtship for want of another term.was he like this.
You must think of getting back into the workforce