SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Bloody hell OP! I had to re-read your post a few times.

£200 a MONTH and he earns £110K a year. My god!!!!

@Rosebudsandraindrops you had to sell your family’s jewellery to repay a debt to him that you’d run up because your husband doesn’t give you enough to live on. Please please seek some help. It’s abuse.

You absolutely have a right to share your DH’s income. And all those things you mention are partly yours. He’s trained you to think that a contribution can only be a tangible income. And yet he can only do the job that he does because you are there to look after his family. That is a huge contribution.

We have equal spends of £500 each per month. This is entirely for our personal things (not including phones which all come out of the one account as a deal with broadband etc) and anything for children or the house comes out of the joint account which h’s salary is paid into.

I’d not be putting up with a low allowance while h had all the rest to himself - especially considering how much work I do for h and the family.

Anything left each month goes into our business account for to invest or into savings for holidays. I run the business so anything generated goes into the pot too.

This was me a few years back, except the 200 had to cover food for the family too.

I'm much happier since the divorce😁

110k is quite a large salary. Presumably you can use the money in the joint account for personal things. I think you should get a job, if you can find one and DC are of school age. It would give you independence. Having read your post, I wouldn't tell him about the windfall.

I certainly wouldn’t tell him about the money if I was in your position. It doesn’t sound like he values your needs or places them equal to his own (if he’s intelligent enough to earn that wage, he’s intelligent enough to realise what’s happening)... Something needs to change whether that means you going back to work for some independence or having an open discussion about how you feel but bottom line, he’s being a dick and really isn’t treating you very nicely (sorry).

I had to sit down when I reached the bit where you said he earns £110K and you get £200 a month not just for yourself but for your child included!
You need to reassess your value in this partnership especially given the fact that he himself is completely self-indulgent! Please have a serious conv about this with him. You said you were looking for a job so it’s not as if you hadn’t tried to become financially independent ! I am so upset for you!😔 I hope he is shown the errors of his selfish ways!

@Rosebudsandraindrops

Onlyfools because none of it is mine. I’d leave with nothing, no savings, no house, no pension. I have no right to any of those things when I’ve not contributed to them. Legally of course I have rights to them - but morally? No. I don’t think i do. It’s stealing.

No I’m sorry. You’re so wrong in your thinking. You stay at home, keep the house and raise your family. This allows him to work. Please at the very least go to your Gp and get some therapy through them. You are valuable and worth every penny. More than he is worth. Far more.

He's a controlling man. He's happy to see you tied to the house so he knows where you are. It's abuse. If you had what is yours by right, you'd be dressed up and living the life. He is well aware that he's doing this, he sees what you wear, it suits him to keep you like this. The question is, why have you let it happen, is it for a quiet life, is it because you don't like to upset him. Is he a bully. Well it's time to step up to the plate, explain to him how much childcare would cost which you are doing for £200 a month.
You are an equal partner in this relationship if you get a job who cares for the children?
I'm a SAHM and have been for 47 years. Lines drawn in the sand before we had children and If I had any trouble from DH I'd give him a slap!!

I work for a women’s charity. I am so sorry you’re going through this OP. I echo everything that so many others have said. You are in a financially abusive relationship. There’s lots & lots of support out there for you. Even if you have that “chat” I honestly don’t feel it’ll have the outcome you & your DC rightly deserve. Please seek that help when you’re able to. Best of luck OP. xxx

Haven't read the thread but Jesus Christ that is absolutely nowhere near enough money to meet your expected outgoings. You need to speak to him about this.

And another thing. TAKE DRIVING LESSONS. Be strong love, be strong. Assert yourself. Half of everything is yours morally and legally x

Rosebudsandraindrops if you’re talking morals, let start with your husbands lack of morals cutting you off financially when you raise a genuine concern.
Also I’m sure he’s the type of man who gives you a break at the wkend, helps with the kids bath time, attends every parents evening and gives you a wk away with your friends every year

You know financial control is coercive control right? My husband earns £100k and he gives me £1200 a month for kids clothes, shoes, food, extra curricular for kids, birthdays/Christmas gifts and my own stuff. £200 wouldn’t even pay the school dinner money, kids clothes and shoes For a month. £200 is less than a fortnights food money for a family of four of you’re big eaters.
I know I’m lucky but your husband earns £110k. He is being very very unreasonable. Borderline abusive.

£200 a month - you cant get hair cut and coloured in the south east for that!

I didn’t read the whole lot but your original tells me he is taking control of money. He needs to basically stop giving an allowance and allow you to use the joint account for everything. So he swans around in a posh car and you have to scrimp on £200 a month. No way would I tell him about he winnings!

You deserve more. My husband and I share everything he earns. I don't need any permission to use money for myself. SAHMs contribute to their families equally as the working dads.

It sounds awful OP. I couldn't live like that - he treats you like a very very cheap housekeeper, not a partner. Why don't you show him how much all this stuff costs and how much money you need to live on?

Alternatively, charge him, say, £10 per hour for all the childcare and housework you do, and it's not even so much - but it will be way more than £200 a month (!)

I feel there are more problems in your marriage than just the finances, and it may not be easy to discuss this with him. Good luck. And definitely do not tell him about your win. It's for you to enjoy.

It's the total lack of "partnership" that makes me utterly sick. You're supposedly a couple, with DC, yet he earns a huge salary and treats you like some kind of slave. In a partnership, there is sharing, there is recognition that we make different but equally valuable contributions.

From this and many other threads on MN, men seem to have managed to trick women into thinking that if the men earn the money (and the woman maintains the DC and home) then the man gets to make all the decisions about spending it, and the SAHP should live in poverty despite their DH earning loads. Bullshit. Even divorce courts see earning money and being the SAHP as equal contributions. OP why cant you?

Divorce him ! That should do it !

Similar situation as you. I've a 5 year old sahm, husband gave me £200 allowance with the same things to come off it but he makes half of what your husband warns and we live in an expensive area. Our mortgage is a 1000 a month l, then bills etc to add on and we spend roughly 500 a month on food. I think what he gives me is fair to what he earns as we do out alot away for our pension and savings, however it wasn't enough for me to do what I wanted so I decided to work 2 days a week which then have me a 900.00 a month to myself which i use for what I need and want, days out etc. I honestly don't think its fair that I say to my husband... Oh BTW, I want 600.00 to have an overnight stay at legoland for our kid.... Or have these discussions on how much I should spend on doing his room up or Christmas and birthday. I don't think my husband should have to pay out his pocket for my expensive wants.. Especially if its not things he likes and wants to do. Which is why I got my own money for the extras. But, based on what you said your husband earns, I would be absolutely mad if I got 200 off that. You're on a very high income, lots of spare cash so I think I would have to either tell him to split it fairly or get a divorce and take half... Cause I don't think that's right.

I'm just about to become a SAHM with DC3. DH earns slightly less than yours but probably similar with bonuses. We have joint finances apart from clothes and buying random stuff for ourselves, which we have £100 a month each. Our shared budget for buying random stuff for the kids, family birthday presents, kids' clothes, eating out, travel costs, DIY etc is about £600 a month. There is a bit more available if needed e.g. Summer holidays or large purchases like a pushchair. This doesn't include Christmas, food, fuel or bills. I spend the majority of this £600 but no-one keeps tabs.

I think the £300 is a red herring, you should tell DH it's not enough and either more things need to come out of the joint account (e.g. DIY, travel, doing stuff with your DC) or it needs to be a lot more. Tell him about the debt too and ask him to pay it off because the £200 hasn't been sufficient to cover reasonable family expenses.

Are you actually married? Sounds appalling. You should have joint responsibility for the children. Charge him extra for cleaning and childcare as without you at home he would have to pay. On his income £200 for personal pocket money insulting.

Wow, that is a disgraceful amount. You r had some great advice so far and I don’t need to reiterate it. I’m just thankful that me and my DH have a joint account that all money goes into and all money goes out of regardless of our earnings. We are a partnership, two people who love each other and want to be together regardless of money (and I’m the biggest earner and happy to be this way). Good luck 🍀

I haven’t read the full thread and this has probably already been said, but he’s treating you like hired help and getting a real bargain! I’m astounded. I’m a SAHM. My husband earns about a quarter of what yours does and we have one bank account and one savings account and everything comes from there. Why would my husband be sending me £200 a month? I don’t get it at all. I could understand if that was literally for you to spend on yourself every month, but look at all the things you have coming out of your ‘allowance’. It’s utterly clear that you are being financially abused.

I gather from the last few posts that you have or planned to sit down and have a talk about it. The fact that he is earning a huge amount and you are treated worse than slave labour is just not right. I hope he listened and took on board what you have said 🤞🏼