SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Sorry, but this is financial abuse. You need to wake up... he’s treating you badly. Maybe confide in your friends if you haven’t already.
Keep the £300!

Currently I am the sole wage earner, hubby has been in the past and we’ve also both together had high salaries. Whatever financial situation we’ve been in we’ve had the same rule: we budget all our outgoings and split the remaining money in half.

God. No I couldn’t. I thought my situation was bad but this is worse.
My dh earns around £150k a year and I have £600 a month.
Out of that I pay for petrol, phone, some of the food, car insurance. Those things alone come to about £300, slightly more.
Leaving me £300 and I pay for the dc clothes and activities and because dh is on the golf course all weekend I pay for anything over the weekend when I take them out. I pay for their haircuts and any other expenses too. And I struggle. I have a slightly lower amount of debt than you - about £600. I’ve been in this position before and told dh and he went mad, reduced the amount he gave me to pay it back to his savings (into six figures, I have nothing) and I sold about £300 worth of my stuff too. I had some jewellery my gran left me and that went.
It is all my fault of course, for being a sahm. It’s part and parcel unfortunately. I don’t earn anything therefore I have no say.

Like the previous poster I am currently the sole earner (earning around £80-90k), DH has earned decent income in the past, but he isn't earning anything now, for various reasons and this is unlikely to change for a few years. The idea of us not sharing our money equally is unthinkable.

You really have to ask, he earns £110 per annum and you get £200 per month to spend on what seems everything but not yourself. I don't earn a fraction of what your husband earns but I could afford more than £200 per month as disposable income.

I think that pp are missing the point that husband has his wages paid into his sole account and then transfers a portion of his income to the joint account from which the mortgage, CT, bills etc are paid.

This bothers me too. And I wonder if that £200 has stayed the same all these years. I'd also want to be taking a look at that pension that DH supposedly is paying into, just for my own peace of mind.

OP, I'm hurt for you that the prospect of a simple conversation with your own husband is making you feel so nervous. It doesn't seem like everything is ok

Rosebudsandraindrops that’s awful! Why don’t you just divorce him- you’d probably get more from home/ don’t have to deal with an abuser

Wow. Can I ask a frank question. Is he abusing you in any way? Sounds like a bit of financial abuse to me. Are you able to freely ask him for money if you really need it? From your post it does nit sound like it. My partner made that and I used to have £3000 a month spend on different things, bills included ofcourse, but I took charge ofsome of the finances. It sounds like you are on your own financially. Hope you can talk about it an thibgs can get bettet

That is absolutely awful OP. Incredibly unattractive and mean at best. Financially abusive at worst. I wish you sounded more angry.

I don’t think this can be the full picture here?

Does your husband know what you are spending this £200 allowance on?

Or are you just assuming that is what it needs to cover?

If you need more money for household items, then why can’t you ask or just take out of the joint funds? After all that is what this should be for.

Also you’ve not made clear what other benefits you get? Child allowance? Income allowance? Etc.

Your husband pays for the mortgage, bills, groceries and other incidentals. I’m sure that covers the cost of your DC clothes, toys, etc. If £200 allowance is to spend on yourself then that sounds ok to me.

And how can you say your husband is frugal if he brought a £42k car and he wears designer clothes?

This sounds like a nonsense post to me.

@Rosebudsandraindrops

God. No I couldn’t. I thought my situation was bad but this is worse. My dh earns around £150k a year and I have £600 a month. Out of that I pay for petrol, phone, some of the food, car insurance. Those things alone come to about £300, slightly more. Leaving me £300 and I pay for the dc clothes and activities and because dh is on the golf course all weekend I pay for anything over the weekend when I take them out. I pay for their haircuts and any other expenses too. And I struggle. I have a slightly lower amount of debt than you - about £600. I’ve been in this position before and told dh and he went mad, reduced the amount he gave me to pay it back to his savings (into six figures, I have nothing) and I sold about £300 worth of my stuff too. I had some jewellery my gran left me and that went. It is all my fault of course, for being a sahm. It’s part and parcel unfortunately. I don’t earn anything therefore I have no say.

This is not your fault.

Please consider getting some support.

I recommend looking at the charity Surviving Economic Abuse - lots of info there.

Onlyfools because none of it is mine. I’d leave with nothing, no savings, no house, no pension.
I have no right to any of those things when I’ve not contributed to them.
Legally of course I have rights to them - but morally? No. I don’t think i do. It’s stealing.

Clearly £200 isn't enough for all this. Two options: most of the things you pay (garden, diy, transportation, all related expenses, new clothes you need etc etc) come out of the joint account and the £200 is actually for luxuries - not essential items or he significantly increases your allowance. He's a real prick wearing designer clothes but you can't afford to buy new clothes. He has a huge salary. Obviously keep the £300 without telling him and pay off the debt. Do not put anything more on the credit card. If you need more than your allowance take it out of the joint account. If he doesn't like it he can leave you and pay maintenance instead. His choice.

He gets a fantastic deal for £200 a month.

Keep your winnings

Make a budget - cost out things like hair/make up/clothes, things that are genuinely for you.
Separately, list the children’s expenses
Finally, list what it costs to keep the garden and house looking nice - I would suggest he increases his contribution into the joint account to cover this as it’s so ad hoc.

Sit down and tell him how much you need for yourself, how much you need for the children and whether he would prefer to increase his monthly SO to you, or give you access to his accounts, which would need to become joint accounts. Don’t let him talk you into a situatio. where you tell him what you need when you need it and he then transfers the money. I used to have to remind my husband to transfer my money when I was a SAHM. I hated it and in the end I told him. He couldn’t understand why it upset me, but accepted that it did and changed it.

Also, consider applying for child benefit if you don’t claim it and let him deal with it through his tax code.

Good luck!

Are you high!? This is not acceptable!? Were you expecting anyone to tell you otherwise? Have you not read ANY of the recent literature about unpaid women’s working hours keeping the economy going ? Start billing him for your “hours” from 6am up with the kids , til you stop doing the ironing at bedtime .
Get a grip. Or better yet, get a divorce cos at least you’d have access to “ his “ money then. There’s no way your friends or family would tell you this is cool .. c’mon now...
110k is f*cking loads ...

I'd divorce him. You'd be better off emotionally AND financially. He sounds like an utter prick. And no, definitely do NOT tell him about your win: he clearly sees his salary as his money; well, this win is your money.

After tax he earns say around £1300 a week?
...and he gives you around £46 a week

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread, but maybe write an enhanced list like you have above, adding in amounts for new boots and new clothes and generally adding in other things and amounts in your favour....then have a chat about making your quality of life a bit happier?

I’m a sahm and my dh used to give me an allowance a month then one day I said to him- why is it that I’ve given up my career to bring up our children and run our home, yet you’re giving me a fraction of what you get each month. I said after bills the disposable should be evenly split- why on earth not? He agreed and it’s been like that for years now. I’m not willing to be treated like a second class citizen in my own marriage, I’m not working for the good fo the family so why shouldn’t I be treated equally!

Sounds like you need to sit down with your DH and have an honest conversation about your Credit card bill and a more realistic monthly allowance until you find a job - which could be a while in the current climate. Does he know you can only afford to shop for clothes in charity shops, do your joint friends know and would it embarrass him if they did? Personally I love charity shops but would feel pretty miffed if I had no choice whilst my DH forked out shedloads on designer gear - that’s no equal partnership. He’s obviously not frugal as he spends a lot on himself, could he genuinely think that you aren’t interested in treating yourself occasionally? I’m not talking weekly spa treatments and designer shopping trips but the odd new outfit surely. In view of his salary, his behaviour is either thoughtless or controlling; maybe you need to spell things out clearly for him rather than hope he’ll work it out for himself. Get things out in the open, this is no way to live. Hope you manage to sort things out.

@MerlinTheWizard I think the same. OP had stated she does use the joint bank account, so actually can . Sounds like you just need to sit down and have a chat and earn your own money asap.

@Rosebudsandraindrops

Onlyfools because none of it is mine. I’d leave with nothing, no savings, no house, no pension. I have no right to any of those things when I’ve not contributed to them. Legally of course I have rights to them - but morally? No. I don’t think i do. It’s stealing.

No no no - its not stealing. You have children together. How far would your partner have got with having children and a family without you?

How old are your children? Could you get a job now?

Find someone who understands marriage means a joint bank account? I was going to say it was tight but fair until I saw what he earns. You probably need double that if you're paying for things the kids do etc. I'm worried that you're racking up unnecessary debt instead. If you are a proper couple, you need to sit down and be honest with him and explain that you need more money as you don't want to have unnecessary debts in your relationship!

You might want to look at this website: www.survivingeconomicabuse.org
Lots of useful information. Good luck

If you split and he had your child 1-2 nights a week your maintainence would be £793.60 a month.

What the chuff are you doing with him? You’re kept like a second class citizen.

Wow 😳 he earns that much & ‘gives’ you so little?!? I think that is awful! For a start you are in a partnership & things should be shared. Does he not realise how much childcare is if you were to pay for it? Certainly more than £200 a month. I think you need to explain a few home truths to him. When I stopped working to stay at home (my partner & I were on a v similar wage) there was never a question about it being a joint pot. When you are not receiving a salary there’s no way you can compete with that.
Big hugs, sounds like a frigging nightmare!!