SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

@Feelingpoorlysick

He earns 110k a year and sends you 200 a month? He's a knob.

I totally agree with you here Feelingpoorlysick. This lady is being treated despicably by her husband. £1000 a month wouldn’t even make a dent in his £110,000 a year! I honestly think this is financial abuse & is is horrible

Was this a love marriage or an arranged one? I only asked as there seems little kindness on your husbands side of this union.

I can’t live on £200 a month statutory maternity pay and I’m not one for spending either. I would say speak to your OH about it and say you’re struggling.
See how that conversation goes before you tell him (or not) about your £300 winnings. Congrats on your win btw

@justanotherneighinparadise

I probably do live off that and have a similar household income to you. I don’t have to though and that’s the difference! I am free to spend whatever I want I am just hugely frugal.

Keep your winnings. He sounds financially abusive.

Totally agree that this could be financial abuse. I feel for the lady. I hope she can talk to her husband, explain the situation & move forward with more support from him as that is his job.

Maybe he simply doesn’t see that it’s not enough, hope your discussion goes well.

Not a solution to your financial woes, but I can’t walk far and I have a disabled bus pass. It’s a godsend and worth looking into x

Keep the 300. I would be telling him you support him by looking after dc etc. This is not enough for you to live on. If that was soley for you to spend as you choose maybe but your paying phone travel etc. I would tell him it needs to be revised and agree a figure.

Imagine getting a full time nanny and housekeeper for £2400 a year. No wonder he has enough money to buy a £42k car.

£200 per month for me would be enough. I spent 1 year living on this much for a family of 4 (not rent and utilities).
Keep the money for yourself, he won't know and if he's earning £110k annually he probably doesn't need it.
I do think finance is maybe something you should discuss going forwards though but I think you know that. I can't comment I have a very unhealthy relationship with my husband regarding money. Neither of us discuss it.... Ever!

I don’t think the question is can we “ live” on 200 a month it is why you are asking us rather than having a discussion with your husband.
You don’t “ live “ on 200 a month. Your house and ALL bills are paid along with the groceries and miscellaneous items ( you don’t say what, but I bet it’s some of those things listed on yours)
Take out the misc that should come out of your joint account I believe 200 would be a comfortable amount to spend on hair makeup coffee out etc.
I think you just need a healthy conversation about finance gender roles, expectations , for example had you talked about you going back to work once child started school ? Talked about what happens then ? Is your wages to go into joint account so you are contributing or are they yours to keep ?
You make a point of saying he buys expensive things I wouldn’t begrudge him that he works he earns all the money and deserves a few nice things, he buys you jewellery etc ? There are your nice things then too, ask for some boots instead of expensive earrings next time maybe.

You keep your winnings.
You really need to speak to your husband about the allowance he gives you. It is clearly not enough. £1000 a month sounds much more realistic based on your family finances & I imagine you wouldn’t even spend that every month but it would allow you to manage your side of the family much better & easier!

I totally hear you on the credit card but with that amount of money coming into the home you shouldn’t need to keep using it.
Having the credit card is good as it will help build your credit score up, due to showing you can manage your finances, but paying more than the minimum & interest every month will look better & pay it off quicker.
Good luck with everything & hope your husband listens to you

What are you? His babysitter? No, you are his wife. You look after the house, the child and probably cook his meals and wash his clothes! Am I right? You are entitled to 50% of everything. Can you get a job? Perhaps when the child is a little older? Honestly you need to value yourself more. Hope all works out.

I’ve only glanced quickly at PPs, so apologies if this has been said many, many times before, but this sounds like financial abuse to me.
OP- the fact you are questioning whether you can live on 200 per month shows how far you’ve been manipulated to think this is acceptable.
You can’t live on this. It’s £7 a day for all travel, clothing, transport, skincare.
By objective standards, you are living below the poverty line.
Take a step back and look at what you contribute to the family. Full time childcare can easily cost £1500 per month per child. My son is at school and I pay £400 month for After school care.
By being a SAHM you are contributing thousands of pounds in childcare each month and that should be reflected in your ‘allowance’.
If you stay in your marriage, you need to renegotiate how you divide the FAMILY’S income.
Incidentally, you’d be better off divorced. You’d get half the house, half his pension and he’d have to pay child support.
If I were you, I’d speak to a family lawyer in confidence. Don’t mention to your husband.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and you probably think divorce is a rather extreme reaction to someone being a bit tight, but This behaviour is extreme.
Also, buy yourself something lovely with the £300. Don’t tell him.
Then pay £900 credit card debt from the joint account. If he reacts badly to that, you have a problem.
Best of luck OP.

In the 70’s feminists talked about “the husband and wife living in two different economies”. Given his salary, I find it quite shocking that you can’t afford a decent pair of boots! There is no equality there, that’s for sure.

@user1472151176

£200 per month for me would be enough. I spent 1 year living on this much for a family of 4 (not rent and utilities). Keep the money for yourself, he won't know and if he's earning £110k annually he probably doesn't need it. I do think finance is maybe something you should discuss going forwards though but I think you know that. I can't comment I have a very unhealthy relationship with my husband regarding money. Neither of us discuss it.... Ever!

We can all live IF We had to. OP said he wants to be a millionaire so I suspect he does know what he is doing. Because he’s not driving a banger he’s driving a 42k car.

Also most of our husbands are not earning what OPs husband is earning slight difference

£110k a year I’m not sure why anyone is justifying this

I’ve been a sahm for 13 years, other than the occasional part time job over the years.
My husband has always put his income into the joint account and I spend what I want, when I want.
He now runs his own company and gives me whatever I need. I use a credit card which he pays off every month and I spend a lot more than you’ve mentioned.
When I have worked my earnings have always been just for me/kids.
My Dh does not earn anywhere near the figure you mentioned but we have a nice life and my dh has never given me a monthly budget. We made a choice that I would give up work and raise the kids and run the house. In my husbands eyes I earn more than he can give me.

Financial abuse IMO. How can he possibly justify this? You should both be living a comfortable lifestyle on £110k per year - we live well and our combined professional salaries are less than this.

It’s a tiny percentage to what he earns to be honest. He likes to wear a designer suit, why can’t you have clothes from a decent store just like John Lewis rather than charity? And a haircut costs me £50 x 4 a year. A new coat or pair of boots once a year is about £100, etc, etc.
I think you should show him realistically what your annual budget for all the ‘luxuries’ you need and then divide by 12. What about going out with a friend for a meal? You really should have access and transparency with your money.

@honeybee88

What are you? His babysitter? No, you are his wife. You look after the house, the child and probably cook his meals and wash his clothes! Am I right? You are entitled to 50% of everything. Can you get a job? Perhaps when the child is a little older? Honestly you need to value yourself more. Hope all works out.

I pay my childminder more than £200 per month!!

Honestly if I was OP I would be looking into a childminder and getting any job that gave me my own stability.

I hope your husband has lots of nice qualities too because the way I’m reading this it sounds like financial abuse. A salary of over 100k and 200 per month don’t fit at all.

Just amazes me.

Modern slavery springs to mind.

Surely you can see that this is controlling behaviour and is a form of domestic abuse .... stand up for you and your little one. You deserve more mumma !! Xx

I'm quite shocked. When we had very little and I was studying, the money was always shared. Now I work part time in low paid job and hubby earns close to 100k. He transfers £1600 to me a month and I earn about £1000 a month. £6-700 is for food shop etc and the rest is for spending/saving, holidays, kids activities, car loan etc. I get that he earns more but you don't enter a partnership for one person to struggle on a pittance whilst the other buys a 40k+ car.

Omg, your husband sounds absolutely awful. So completely, and utterly unbelievably mean. Nothing but the best for himself (certainly knows how to splash the cash on himself, 42k car) and absolutely nothing for you but a measly £200 per month.

It’s all very well saying he came from a poor family and is very careful about money, but he’s not careful about splashing the cash when it comes to spending on himself. Totally selfish.

I have no idea how you live on £200 per month. There’s absolutely no way I could do it. What a total shit bag he is.

Maintenance would be around £700 per month.