SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Er joint account and share?

He earns 110k and you get £200 per month? Either get him to give you more or he pays for more off that list of stuff you buy.

He sounds very controlling. When I was married and not working but he was we had a joint account for everything. Money was tight but it was always shared and joint decisions made on any expensive purchases.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

The amount depends on individuals but no one whose H earns 110K and wears designer clothes etc should be wandering round in tatty, unsuitable clothing and building up debt. This is financial abuse.

Financial abuse. Definitely. He needs to start valuing you as an equal partner and you need to recognise your own worth. Seek help from CAB or a Women’s Refuge Advice service. I’m so sorry you are in this situation

I spend about £200 a week on me and my dd. I am 10000% impressed with you and want you to teach me your ways please. (I come out with about 33/34 from ft work and some other Pt income so if I spend more). Tell him to put all the money in the joint account instead please and just take what you need when you need it. Also. Now dc is older he should put more to cover the travel expenses. And CONGRATULATIONS on your win. I would tell him you won it, but also say you’re putting it on CC because it’s got higher Over the space of this bleak year when the only pleasure left is to shop and eat lol. Xx don’t sweat it. You deserve more. Ask for more you have his child you aren’t just a Sahw like you’re totally raising your child. Xxxx

Nope, he sounds financially abusive

Run far and fast from him.

I’ve think you’ve got more problems than what to do with £300! Is this a marriage or a prison sentence?

Each to their own but I personally couldn’t live like this. I earn more than my husband....but he’d give me his last £5 for ‘no matter what’ if I asked for it.
Is it a marriage based on love? I mean real, true love?

In normal circumstances I’d discuss & decide what we’re should do with it with my husband, but in your case I think I’d take the £300 and clear the credit card and he doesn’t need to be any the wiser.

I’m not being judgmental OP, but I think you need to look harder at this situation and decide what’s right/wrong/fair about your whole financial arrangement together xx

Agree with everyone else he is a miser.
All family expenses including garden and diy should go on joint account.
DH and I have this system which works at all income levels.
Add together income. You 0 him 110k. = 110k
Add together all annual household costs incl bills, mortgage, children, holidays etc.
Then you each pay a per enrage according to your earnings / total earnings. In your case zero.
Then in ideal world you share remainder 50/50 so you have the same spending money as him.
A friend of mine earns 150k per year. She gives her husband 1000 pounds per month spending money as he is SAHP.
You need to put your big girl pants on and start the discussion.

I’m a full time carer and Sahm and her more than that and between everything we earn a 1/3 to a 1/4 of his wage

I could comfortably but live well within my means.

I suppose I could actually live on that a month. I don’t wear makeup, don’t go out with friends, don’t have my hair done & not had a new pair of glasses in 7 yrs, I have a bottle of wine 1-2 time’s a week that’s prob £10, I very rarely treat myself, but myself & DH only earn 25k a year between us, I make sure all the bills are paid, shop around for bargains that kind of thing.

I do think if your DH is earning 4 times more than us then he is a tight fisted git!

It’s beyond miserly- this is financial abuse.
Your husband is intentionally denying you your personal, social, wellbeing needs- and that of your D.C.
You’d literally be better able to take care of you and your child’s needs by divorcing this guy. #yougethalf

@Livingnearthesea He earns £110k a year (I know he pays tax) so his income is £5000 a month. Abs you get £200 a month? Don’t tell him about your win for now. But have a serious, adult conversation with him about money. And start a back up fund for yourself.

I can’t read the responses because I just can’t face it. This is very, very sad to read. I am a SAHM. My husband and I use our joint account for everything. Your situation reminds me of my mother’s as a SAHM 40 years ago. My dad used to send her £200 for the month and she used to me made to feel awful when she told him it wasn’t enough to manage everything on and ask for extra any month - that was bad enough but that was 40 years ago and £200 aswell. Basically the amount isn’t the problem - although it is very low to pay for all of the things you mention and in relation to your income as a family - your financial situation as a family is the huge issue here. I am (whether right or wrong) financially dependent on my husband but I never feel that way. It’s a partnership. You shouldn’t have to hide your cc debt or winnings. I’d get him to clear the CC, tell him honestly it’s not enough to cover all the stuff you mention. Trial doubling it. Then talk about the winnings. You shouldn’t be feeling like you have to scrimp while he spends, this isn’t necessarily his fault or yours, it’s just lack of communication. I hope you get it sorted and feel able to talk to your husband about it.

I would expect access to half his income, whether I spend it or not.

That is hardly anything a month -
Yes he’s frugal ✅ but you also look after all his children and you say he earns £110k
So £1,200 a year for you to be full time parent .. child care would be far much more ...tell him it’s just enough !? Because if you Carry On protecting the spending them he won’t know what things cost !!

And the £300 .. keep it for your cc

He wouldn't be able to earn what he currently does and pay a housekeeper, nanny, cleaner etc on £200 per month so he needs to start coughing up a heck of a lot more!
I believe that in a marriage there is no 'his / her money' it's all a 50/50 shared pot. And I say that as the higher earner in my house.

£200?! I get £1000 to cover way less than you have to, and I earn part time too on top of that. If he’s on £110k then that’s disgraceful.

Go to work full time, get him to pay people to do exactly what you do, it would be way more!!!! Say you can’t afford to get by on £200 per month so you need to work, and he will need to pay for full time childcare and cleaners.

How does he live with himself?

In this situation keep the winnings and treat yourself.
£200 isnt really enough for everything youve listed.
I gave up work to look after DC when they were small and it was on the proviso that DH salary was shared and we both had equal access to all income/ savings etc. I dont think the situation you are in is very fair, you have sacrificed your job/ career and are making a huge contribution to your family, he probably wouldn't be on that salary if he had to balance work with childcare. Have you discussed it with him?

What’s he spend the other 8k a month on?

He’s a tosser.

He would have a one way ticket somewhere if it was me.

Well yes, I have much less disposable income after essentials as a single parent and can't pay for much of that lost but that's not the point - your husband and father of your children can afford to provide you with money to pay for comfortable shoes and doesn't. That's not on!

Really ? He pays the mortgage all bills groceries and what she calls miscellaneous
For hair, make up coffee I think 200 is reasonable.

I probably do live off that and have a similar household income to you. I don’t have to though and that’s the difference! I am free to spend whatever I want I am just hugely frugal.

Keep your winnings. He sounds financially abusive.