SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

100,000 after tax and NI extrapolates to about 5100 (depending on pension, etc)

Take off the mortgage 3,550,
Car - probs 500 = £3050
CT, utilities: 500 = £2550
Insurances: car, house, 200 £2350
Phone, Sky, internet £100 £2250
Food: £500 = £1750
Season ticket/commuting say £300 = £1450
Annual holiday say £300 £1150
Emergencies £100 £1050
Cost of going to work - lunch, clothes, barber, shoes, etc £100 = £950
OP 's £200 = £750
Savings plan £250 = £550

Whilst he's being tight I think they both need to sit down and put it all on a spreadsheet. The OP needs a more realistic budget but I'm not sure once all expenses are accounted for this family are living the dream that MNetters imagine can be bought for £100k in the south east.

@OhTheRoses

You don't know they're in the SE, you've put a commute cost in there.

You've just made up a load of figures to excuse some rubbish.

£110k is a good household income. It's not amazing, but it's irrelevant. The fact is OP is being given a pittance, a stipend.

She's being treated as a small household expense. One that takes on much of the household responsibilities.

I can't believe that any woman who actually likes or respects other women would try to rationalise a woman in any household being in a situation where she has no financial volition.

I think it is doable TBH as we used to have to. But given OH's income and your mortgage it does not seem essential to live off so little which is the main crux really.

You do have money to LTB if you want - it's in the portfolio and 'his' savings as these are joint.

I do wonder though whether he's just ridiculously oblivious. Has he ever said that he expects you not to pay for days out with the DC, gardening and DIY materials out of the joint account? Have you discussed upping the £200 to £400?

livingnearthesea I understand the mindset of keeping a tight budget - we're doing that to pay off debt at the moment, so we don't have much spare discretionary spending money. Once we are debt free we'll be saving up an emergency fund etc, so though we'll increase our discretionary spends a bit we'll still be frugal.

But we discuss before the start of each month what outgoings are needed from that months pay (his, I'm a SAHP but we treat it as ours) and things like opticians, clothes, gifts, things for the house, garden, kids, transport etc are accounted for and I do the budget.

No matter who earns the money, you both need to be involved in deciding your financial goals, spending priorities and savings/investments. And it needs to be fair.

There is a huge unbalance at the moment. Maybe you would be frugal with designer clothes too, only replacing them when they are worn?

Maybe it all is some huge misunderstanding and he hasn't noticed you are scouring charity shops and struggling to afford to visit your family and can be sorted out by a frank conversation where you tell him it's not enough, and explain that you need both a higher discretionary spend and more in the joint account for household expenses. Maybe you can be involved in determining the financial goals and he can walk you through the investments he has been making and it'll all be fine. Maybe you just assumed you had to cover trips to family from 'your money' and he didn't expect that.

But it is suspicious that he apparently hasn't noticed this discrepancy in a long time.

I learned to drive last year, I wasn't someone who found that easy and it took about a year. But I would thoroughly recommend it. I think you should learn to drive and that your lessons (and future car, and ins) should be a household expense, not out of your 'allowance'. So when you are discussing what you need, I'd include that.

The balance between your lifestyle and saving/investing for your future is off at the moment. He needs to achieve the financial goals as a team, he can't be a rich millionaire with a poor wife and child.

Why are you paying for so much out your £200 then and putting things on credit?

@OhTheRoses and @Bluntness100 are the fucking worse.

I think you're both fairly affluent but I don't think either of you are that independent. You like to wang on about your lifestyles.

BUT any thread like this you come on to rubbish any idea of financial abuse.

I don't think either of you are as secure as you like to pretend you are.

'The lady doth protest too much, methinks'.

I'm trying to rationalise the situation, not the woman. It sounds to me that the OP needs to have a serious conversation. If that conversation leads to no improvement then the OP needs to leave.

FWIW I took the initial money into the relationship and supported my DH's early career thus it was easy to be equal. However, I have never spent a penny on nails and brows or expensive make-up which the OP noted as an important want in her opening post. And of course the 300 is hers and she should not have a credit card bill. The car imo is absolutely absurd in all of this and the DH should have something sensible that's two years old and cost about £12k. He will never be the millionaire he wants to be if he invests heavily in depreciating assets.

@ShrikeAttack no need to get personal darling. I earn my own £100k btw so do stop Shrikeing and Attacking.l and don't make assumptions based on our imagination about the security of others just because they don't agree with you.

Cool @OhTheRoses.

Whatevs.

What do you mean OP you don’t have any income? You should be able to pYfor a solicitor from the household money. Why do you think you can’t?

This is not to say you should be engaging a solicitor at this stage but you really need to reframe your thinking. And if you think your H would stop you from using your half of the money then that’s something to ponder because then you really need a solicitor.

You said you have access to the joint account and use it all the time, so what would happen if you paid for taxis and days out etc from the joint account? That’s probably more telling than anything else. If you did it and your DH didn’t bat an eyelid then there’s not really anything to worry about. If he would react badly then you have a bigger problem to deal with.

I am with a husband on this one. He is the only earner in the family, he is not hiding money from his wife, she knows how much he earns, the money goes to the joint account. Mortgage, investments are in the joint names. He is trying to protect his family financial future. He is supportive of his wife getting a job but at the same time not forcing her to work.. What does his wife do? Build up a credit card debt instead of having an open and honest conversation with her husband about finances. They have a different understanding of what constitutes a comfortable lifestyle. It doesn't matter if he gives her £200 or & 1000, they would still have mismatched financial attitudes.
OP, you say you are afraid of confrontation..but does it need to be confrontational? Can't you calmly and logically explain the breakdown of your spending and see how he reacts?
Did he mislead you somehow about his frugal nature before you got married? Did it get worse after?

FGS he isn't "frugal", he is abusive.

@Completmentfille

Nothing in your update reassures me that this is not financial abuse. If anything it makes it worse.

Where do you propose I get the money to pay a solicitor, pay a rent deposit/bond, furnish a property, moving costs etc?? I have no significant income to cover any of this at the present time.

This is all the proof you need.

Nothing in the update might point to you having made a leap that wasn’t based on fact? Nothing?

You are so determined to decide he’s an abusive arse you’re literally ignoring what the op is saying now. Everything is joint, she has access, she is having a conversation.

I can’t engage with you any more on this. You extrapolated (made up) stuff and were wrong. Own it

There is money but not money that the OP freely has access to. If she does have access (i.e. joint accounts) then what is stopping her? Something not right here.

It's common for people who are with a controlling partner to rationalise that everything is fina and normal when it isn't.

You are so determined to decide he’s an abusive arse you’re literally ignoring what the op is saying now. Everything is joint, she has access, she is having a conversation.

But don't you see the fact that everything is joint raises even more red flags, as if she has access to all the money why is she only spending £200 a month and putting everything else secretly on a credit card? She's afraid of his reaction, that's why.

@Completmentfille

You are so determined to decide he’s an abusive arse you’re literally ignoring what the op is saying now. Everything is joint, she has access, she is having a conversation.

But don't you see the fact that everything is joint raises even more red flags, as if she has access to all the money why is she only spending £200 a month and putting everything else secretly on a credit card? She's afraid of his reaction, that's why.

No you’ve made that up

If a woman had a black eye for the seventh time and told you that she'd walked into a door again, would you take that at face value, Bill?

@Darker

If a woman had a black eye for the seventh time and told you that she'd walked into a door again, would you take that at face value, Bill?

For goodness sake this is bullying other posters simply because they are male.

Bullying? No. It's drawing a connection. Women who are in horrible situations often mask the truth from others.

No you’ve made that up

So why, if she access to the money, is she putting everything on a credit card?

@Darker

Bullying? No. It's drawing a connection. Women who are in horrible situations often mask the truth from others.

It’s adding 2 and 2 and making 11. You’re jumping to conclusions despite the available information

All the money is family money so if you do need to leave it can be paid for - for example legal fees go on account to pay from the divorce settlement etc.

Your DH has total control over finances and he is dictating how you live your life because he wants to be a millionaire.

If he cannot accept your point of view and compromise it would be worth seeing a counsellor. I see nothing wrong with you having a monthly budget for your own personal spending but the amount should be agreed between you and it certainly needs to be an awful lot more than it is!

Just because he wants to live frugally it does not give him the right to unilaterally dictate the same lifestyle to you.

Remind him how much a nanny and house keeper should cost if you had to employ others to do all you do...

I would write yourself a list of what you think is adequate as a bare minimum and what would be generous and reflect a happy lifestyle.

@LittleBearPad
Bill has been combative and poo poo’d anyone, who doesn’t agree with him from the start. He’s engaged with so many posters by quoting them and rubbishing their posts. Then complained when they have responded. All I see is a man, who cannot contemplate that there is a possibility op is under coercive control but doesn’t realise it. In a marriage it is not normal to be forbidden from buying oneself the basics when the cash is available. The way she speaks of the the £300 is not normal.

OP needs to see where the money is going. If they live in a mansion and have a huge mortgage maybe there isn't a lot of money left for extras. It's the control that's wrong not the amounts.