SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Am I being deliberately goady? No I’m not

Eek

Where did the OP say that the reason why she has a foot problem is cos she cant afford proper shoes?
She has a diagnosed condition and so she cant walk far and needs to take the train or bus. That is what she said.
Im not defending the husband but i think people are assuming a lot of things that the OP didnt actually say.
If wearing different shoes could fix her foot pain then it would be very silly to spend the money on compost and coffee with friends etc

@Completmentfille

BillMasen

Are you (and others) going to answer my question?

I think there are. Mainly because some —men— people can be stratospherically dim and do need things pointed out. If they spend £20 on their haircuts, the £50/£80 women’s haircuts cost may be an unknown.

What about the fact the OP's husband spends ££ on designer clothes while OP wears charity shop clothes? Or the fact OP is walking round in pain because she can't afford proper shoes? You think he's just too dim to understand that's not ok?

No I think it’s possible he doesn’t notice.

If wearing different shoes could fix her foot pain then it would be very silly to spend the money on compost and coffee with friends etc

Her dh earns 110k. She should be able to wear decent shoes AND pay for a cup of coffee.

No I couldn't live on this.
£200 a month is nothing.
Some people spend this on smoking alone.

I need around £500 month just spending money and that's for swimming lessons, fuel in car, clothes for myself and DC, toiletries, parking fees etc

No I think it’s possible he doesn’t notice.

You are an apologist for shitty men then.

If wearing different shoes could fix her foot pain then it would be very silly to spend the money on compost and coffee with friends etc

FGS her husband is on 110k! She should be able to do both!

@Completmentfille

If wearing different shoes could fix her foot pain then it would be very silly to spend the money on compost and coffee with friends etc

FGS her husband is on 110k! She should be able to do both!

On that I agree. There should be a more equitable split of money. At first glance there seems to be enough to go round.

Btw for the bitter stay at home people have it so easy person(people?) Most sahms leave their jobs because they can't afford childcare and have nobody to pick up the slack. Whoever earns less in the house steps down. I studied hard in school and college as did I would guess a lot of sahms whose goal in life I would assume was not to have to go to someone to make a case for 'additional treats'.

OP I’m echoing what everyone else is saying.

Out of curiosity, what was going to be the arrangements regarding childcare costs when you were going to return to work?

My guess is that you would have foot that bill, done all the pick ups and drop off, sick days, half terms and housework.

He must present himself as an absolutely wanker every single time he walks down the road with you in his designer clothes whilst you’re wearing charity shop items. FFS.

I know it’s difficult but OP you need to tell him that it’s not sustainable for you. His reaction will tell you whether or not you need to leave (could confidently bet he’d tell you up get a job where you’d be in the above mentioned predicament).

I’m so sorry this is currently your life, and I’m so sorry that you think it’s normal to be beating yourself up over whether or not to tell him about your winnings given the back story

I've been a SAHM. To one child. One pretty easy child at that. And it was far and away harder than my extremely high pressure full time job.

£200 for all it entails is completely laughable.

All the money ought to be shared. When I was a SAHM I had free access to the joint bank account in which the entirety of my husband's salary was deposited. He didn't "pay me".

Thanks for the replies. I have been out all day, hence the late reply. I am in shock as I didn’t realise how bad the situation is. I am not good with confrontation and DH is very astute with financial stuff. To answer some questions -

Pension - yes, I have a pension which is paid into monthly, now by DH. Was my employer pension now converted into a SIPP.

Child Benefit - submitted the forms but DH earns too much so don’t get anything. Also did the form when DC was born so stamp is still being paid.

One DC(5). There will be no more DC due to my age (mid 40s).

Work - plan was always to go back when DC started school. He has diagnosed anxiety by Ed Psych in new situations only so took months to settle in nursery aged 3, then in Reception last year (behaviour issues). EP recommended to not return to work immediately if possible and get him settled into school first - then Covid happened and jobs have just dried up around here. The volunteering I was about to start in Feb shut down too. I want to go back to work and DH is completely onboard - and he would never have a choice in this anyway. I need the mental stimulation for a start.

Joint account - I do have access to this and use it all the time, just not for the things that I stated. DH has his salary go into his account and then he transfers £ to cover the mortgage, CT/bills, food, misc. it has around a £300 buffer on top of the expected expenses.

DC clothing - sorry if this wasn’t clear but I don’t pay for his clothing, only mine.

My credit rating is fine so there should be no trust issues etc in sharing an account where his whole salary goes on. He knows this as checks were done for the mortgage and when we bought a sofa and paid it off, plus me as a person.

DH’s family are money-obsessed and I do think there is an element of narrow-mindedness/blindness when it comes to understanding the cost of things. PIL are proudly frugal and are millionaires. They have their £££ because they don’t spend. MIL will demand 1p change from FIL when he walks in the front door if that’s the amount he got back from buying something, put into a jar and when it got to £5 she’ll bank it. SIL and her DH are not so extreme but like them all, they are desperate to get to their first million £££.

DH invests heavily in the stock market monthly and has done so for years, and has built up an impressive portfolio (it’s in joint names). Said he wants to be a millionaire. I think he has his eye on the prize, to achieve like his parents did, and so as a SAHM he thinks what could I possibly need money for when it could be invested if I’m just (in his eyes) sitting at home all day (I’m not).

As a workaholic he spends nothing on himself except designer suits and clothing, but only buys these when they wear out so it is not gratuitous expenditure all the time. The car is what it is - £42k being paid off.

Mortgage is £1590 so it’s high, then there is the usual CT, utility bills, car repayment, house insurance. No debts. So no reason why I should only be given £200, or access to all the income.

Yes I need to sit down and have a serious discussion about our finances, see how that goes and make a decision from there. Thanks to those who made it clear that this situation is not ok and I’m not a frivolous spender.

I have to say that I disagree with posters saying LTB and divorce, see a solicitor etc. Where do you propose I get the money to pay a solicitor, pay a rent deposit/bond, furnish a property, moving costs etc?? I have no significant income to cover any of this at the present time.

Thanks again all x

MIL will demand 1p change from FIL when he walks in the front door if that’s the amount he got back from buying something

What a way to live

Take care of yourself OP.

Thanks OP, good to see that you have access to all the joint accounts, pension and investments. And that you feel able to have the conversation that should lead to a fairer split of the “spare” money.

I’m sorry if your thread got slightly sidetracked but it really annoys me when posters make assumptions (make things up) and offer drastic advice and/or paint the partner as evil.

I hope those posters can reflect on your post and not make the same uninformed leaps on future threads

@Completmentfille

If wearing different shoes could fix her foot pain then it would be very silly to spend the money on compost and coffee with friends etc

FGS her husband is on 110k! She should be able to do both!

Of course! That is not what im saying. You misunderstood me. Im saying that the OP never claimed that her foot pain was caused by bad footwear or that her husband makes her walk in unsuitable shoes that cause her pain. But IF that was the case then for her OWN sake she should prioritise that and get better shoes instead of compost and coffee meets. She listed a lot of things that are not necessities, only nice to haves so IF her foot pain can be so easily fixed by wearing different shoes ( which i doubt) then that should come first, regardless of her husband. Yes, of course with a husband earning that much she should be able to do both. But again, she never said her husband makes her waer shoes that her her foot so hopefully this is not a choice she needa to make

Controlling behaviour Friend. Financial abuse . To pay for someone to do your work would cost £30 a year but is irrelevant . Shared access to joint account with some mutually agreed Expectations is reasonable . Good luck .

I’m not suggesting divorce OP. But do not feel like you cannot live (if needs be) without your husband. He would have to pay a hefty amount through child maintenance service if you were to split for a start!

I hope to hear a positive outcome from this OP.

@BillMasen

Thanks OP, good to see that you have access to all the joint accounts, pension and investments. And that you feel able to have the conversation that should lead to a fairer split of the “spare” money.

I’m sorry if your thread got slightly sidetracked but it really annoys me when posters make assumptions (make things up) and offer drastic advice and/or paint the partner as evil.

I hope those posters can reflect on your post and not make the same uninformed leaps on future threads

What are you talking about! OPs husband is still tight AF. He would have to pay A LOT more than £200 a month through CMS each month... if OP was to split from him

My husband gives me more than this and he earns 30k. We do struggle and I don't buy new things very often and we're both over our overdraft limits a lot at the moment but I'm trying to find a job.
If you did go back to work though, would you still be responsible for all aspects of childcare such as school runs, sick days and school holidays? As unless you worked in a school you would have to pay for childcare (which sounds like it might be difficult for your son anyway) would he pay for childcare?

Nothing in your update reassures me that this is not financial abuse. If anything it makes it worse.

Where do you propose I get the money to pay a solicitor, pay a rent deposit/bond, furnish a property, moving costs etc?? I have no significant income to cover any of this at the present time.

This is all the proof you need.

So you choose to stay in a financially abusive marriage going by your last thread, you are totally dependant on your husband, he has got you exactly where he wants you.

Great you have access. Yes I need to sit down and have a serious discussion about our finances, see how that goes and make a decision from there. Thanks to those who made it clear that this situation is not ok and I’m not a frivolous spender.
No; you have to decide which costs are joint account, tell him you’re in debt because he doesn’t allocate enough for you to pay for all these things and bus tickets, the occasionally taxi, trips out for the dc and new shoes for you are now coming out of the joint account. He needs to transfer enough to pay off the debt as well. He gets a car, you bloody wel get a bus ticket, or he can come home and drive you everywhere you need to go. After that you can say you won £300 but are keeping it to buy some clothes as you’ve been buying the cheapest thing you can find from charity shops for 5 years now and you are not worthless, and allowed to own a decent pair of jeans coat and jumper.

@Bluntless, why do you keep being so dismissive of women who are being financially abused.

@Livingnearthesea, he sounds hottible. You speak of of him 'being frugal' but it doesn't sound as though he's frugal to himself. Just to you.

My DH earns around 300k, I earn around 90.

I didn't earn anything for as while as our youngest has ASD aand was out of school for two years. We'd always planned for one of us to stay at home with the children whilst they were young and it ended up being 10 years rather than 4/5.

We have always shared our money though.

Always.

We've been together nearly 20 years, I brought a big lump-sum and didn't earn when our children were small. It's always been shared. I couldn't imagine a relationship where my significant other was financially at a different level from myself.

All money is joint, because we're partners. I couldn't countenance my partner in life living a different lifestyle to me.

Bluntless you keep talking utter bollox about this, it's not the only financially abusive situation that I've seen you think is ok.

Don't be an arse.