SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Please say you’re claiming child benefit as you’ll need it for your NI credits to be able to claim your state pension.

@Bluntness100

What kind of person thinks it’s reasonable to give £200 a month when they are earning £110,000 PA though

Someone who thinks their partner should be working....?

If that's the case, then the thing to do is have an adult conversation, not withhold money until she cracks.

Let's not pretend that when op gets a job everything will be dandy. This fucker will absolutely consider op responsible for the children and house. I would bet everything I own on it.

And I absolutely agree with this. I imagine he's the kind of man who if she did get a job would expect her to pay for all the childcare out of her wages and also expect her to still do all the housework.

Sorry OP that does sound mean. If £200 was all you could spare as a family, you'd cut your cloth. What's standing out is the inequity, he dips in as much as he likes while you're in debt for what to me, sound like essentials.

I'm a SAHM and everything goes into a joint account. DH earns about the same as yours. We each spend it on what ever we want, but have an agreement that if either of us wants to buy something of significant value, we discuss it.

Sorry but saying she’s earning that money by subsidising his lifestyle is crap. She could be earning too and he could be lying half the cost of childcare (as could she). That way she could also contribute to half of ALL the household bills too and I’m sure he could afford a cleaner and still be quids in!! He doesn’t need someone to do his life admin, plenty of us work full time in well paid jobs and manage just fine. If it’s a choice for one person it’s stay home then it has to be agreed between them and it sounds like that’s all he’s willing to give her as extra so she can either accept that or get a job and contribute financially. Having someone at home asking for handouts must be infuriating. Just get a job or don’t, no need to moan about the very comfortable life he’s providing for her.

Whilst I'm often on the side of the working partner when it comes to STAHP in this instance you need to grow a pair and speak to your DH.

If I'm honest you sound like you've made a rod for your own back on this one OP by being a bit of a silent martyr and not communicating with him - if you don't ask you don't get. It's not for him to guess what you might need per month? Where did the £200 come from? Who decided it? Shouldn't you have just turned round and said no I'll need a bit more than that?? 🤷‍♀️ - DIY, gardening bits should absolutely come out of the joint account. You have access to it so use it? Days out for the kids also joint account.

The only things which should come out of the £200 is items for you specifically?

Also unless you have a medical restriction it's unreasonable not to be able to drive in this day and age

Sorry if this has been pointed out already but the money he gives you for the whole month is equivalent of less than half a day of his salary. So on 1st day of month, between 9am and his lunch break he’s already earned enough to give you the allowance for the whole month.

This is abuse OP. You shouldn’t have to live with a crumb from his heavily laden table - where’s the partnership in this?!

@Mallemo

It must be awful to see family life in such cold, transactional terms. They're a team surely? They have children, she looks after them full time..if a couple make that choice then it's the role of the working parent to provide financially. Not withhold money as a form of petty revenge. They have enough money that the op doesn't need to scrimp, save and deny herself basics. How can you profess to love someone and watch them struggle?

This is financial abuse op. I'm a sahm too and have a toddler. I have his credit card and have money transferred to my account whenever I need access. He never gives me pocket money, I just have access to it whenever I want unless he tells me has to make big payments and if I could be careful with the spending for a week. I have friends whose husbands earns ££££££ but they are forced to take up part time jobs and juggle child care while their husband funds their own expensive hobbies, cars and lavish lifestyle which doesn't include their wives and children.

And she shouldn't even need to point out to him that its not enough...it's pretty obvious.

My dh came up to me the other day worried that I'd ran out of money because I'd been using the long life milk at the back of the cupboard. I hadn't actually ran out of money but he double checked I was ok.

I would accept nothing less than equal access to the 'family' pot if I was caring for children. You are being taken advantage of OP.

I definitely see family life as being part of a team! I wouldn’t watch my partner work long hours in a stressful career and bear the brunt of being the sole earner whilst I was at home getting all the time with the kids, knowing all the house was paid for, my food was always paid etc etc and then have the front to moan about only having £200 spends per month. It’s ludicrous. Why not take some of the strain financially and work too? Pay a little towards the house and I bet it would go a long way to him sharing a lot more. It’s about supporting each other and helping each other.

I would be looking for work still, even though lockdowns have made job hunting harder. Once you are more independent you won't need to ask him for money, it sounds like he treats you as a child.

@Mallemo

I definitely see family life as being part of a team! I wouldn’t watch my partner work long hours in a stressful career and bear the brunt of being the sole earner whilst I was at home getting all the time with the kids, knowing all the house was paid for, my food was always paid etc etc and then have the front to moan about only having £200 spends per month. It’s ludicrous. Why not take some of the strain financially and work too? Pay a little towards the house and I bet it would go a long way to him sharing a lot more. It’s about supporting each other and helping each other.

So the reason not to give her more is just revenge then? Because on that salary, he can afford to, so by your reckoning, it's just to teach her a lesson for not working?

I was in a very similar situation with my ex husband. He earnt less than yours, but still a good wage, around £60k a year. I had no 'allowance' from him. I worked a couple of evenings and earnt £250 per month. He wouldn't even facilitate that really, I had to pay a teenager to babysit for the hour between me leaving for work and him coming home. If he had wanted to, he could have come home in time so that childcare wouldn't be needed.

He paid mortgage and most of the bills, but I had to pay for one weekly food shop each month, and pay for absolutely everything to do with our children. Like you, I had bus fares (he had a nice car too), train fares to visit my family (who he constantly worked to isolate me from), glasses, clothes, toiletries including nappies and wipes (eventually got second hand cloth nappies for free from local baby group), my phone bill, all birthday and Christmas presents, not just for our children, but for everyone.

I too built up a debt (overdraft) of £2000 over 3 or 4 years. I never had any money. Everything was second hand, or even from the baby bank at the children's centre. Which felt ridiculous, as our household income was high.

One time I bought a little cheap multipack of knickers from Tesco for about £2 because all my underwear was old, holey, uncomfortable and didn't fit. I thought I had enough to cover it, but buying them pushed me into an unauthorised overdraft, and I got a bank charge of £30. I took days to build up the courage to mention it to ex, and asked him for help paying it. He refused and scoffed at me, and mocked me for being so shit with money.
Another time, I was desperate to go running (for health, but also for mental health). My trainers were so old and worn they had fallen apart. I looked in every charity shop I passed for weeks until I found some in my size for a couple of quid, except they were walking trainers. I thought they would have to do, even though they were heavy and not suited to jogging. That same day, the actual same day, ex husband had forgotten to take his gym kit to work with him. So on his lunch break, he had gone out and bought an entire new gym outfit, complete with trainers, brand new, good brands. He knew I was desperate for trainers.

These men do not get better. I never left, so don't know how hard that is. Luckily for me, he left me! Haha. I moved out with the children and increased my hours at work. I claimed tax credits, and oh my god, I couldn't believe how rich I felt. I had enough money to buy what we needed. I still got second hand, but I didn't have to count every single penny. I still shopped for food on a budget, but I could eat what we wanted.

I am honestly only just realising now that I was financially abused. And emotionally, but I sort of knew that. I guess it all goes together. The poster who said a woman with a physical condition wearing shoes which hurt amd not asking for money from her huband, who can well afford to help her, is doing that because she is scared. Bang on. I wouldn't have said I was scared of my ex at the time. But its only now that I don't live in constant fear, I can see how scared I was.

Now I am married to someone who earns less than half of what my ex did, and yet shares everything freely. I still can't believe how generous he is. (He is probably just normal, but it feels very different) We share money, and I feel so secure. I have my own savings, no debts, as well as joint savings. My husband buys me gifts, he buys the children gifts, he buys my family gifts. He paid for me to learn to drive when we were dating.

Meanwhile, my ex went on a date to the cinema. He asked his date if she wanted a drink, she picked a large coke, and he said "you can have a medium".

He won't change.

Having someone at home asking for handouts must be infuriating. Just get a job or don’t, no need to moan about the very comfortable life he’s providing for her.

I suspect the OP also provides a very comfortable for him? Money is not the only provision a family needs. It should be a partnership that's equal and fair in which finances are pooled.

So if a couple decide one should be a sahp, when the other decides that they should go to work, are they morally justified in withholding money immediately?

It’s the other way round, can you morally just decide you’re quitting work and your partner should pay for you even though he or she is against it.

For me, both parents need to be in agreement, no one is entitled to quit work and stay home child rearing.

Why not take some of the strain financially and work too? Pay a little towards the house and I bet it would go a long way to him sharing a lot more. It’s about supporting each other and helping each other.

Partners support each other in different ways. OP's husband is clearly the breadwinner whereas OP's role is the home and children-this is obvious from the original post. Each role is of value.
I suppose the OP could find work should her H be willing and available for childcare and domestic responsibilities and all that those entail.

It’s nothing to do with revenge, what a strange way of looking at it. If he’s earning money working long hours, financially providing for the family and paying all the bills plus spends for his wife (albeit not as much as she deems necessary) and then wants to buy a nice car - that’s not revenge. It’s him enjoying his money. He isn’t not paying for his family, he’s just choosing the way he spends the surplus. If she would equally like nicer things, why not work too? I can’t see why he should fund her lifestyle choices. It’s clearly not a joint decision for her to stay at home here, he’s using the extra funds for his own treats instead of her treats because she’s the SAHP.

You should have equal access to money. Sounds like financial abuse to me.

@ivfbeenbusy If the OP can’t afford appropriate shoes on her allowance, do you think she can afford driving lessons? Petrol? Running a car?

It suits him to keep her asking for money and depriving her of independence.

Good god almighty. I'm a sahm. We have a joint account. We both use as we need. That was agreed at the start. I gave up my job and income to mind our children. My husband never ever ever says oh what are you spending that for. Jesus the tightness of some men. I find it stifling. I couldn't live with a man like that. Not to kind him earning 110k a year.

This is a man who watches the mother of his children walk in pain because she cannot afford decent shoes, whilst he drives round in a car which costs £40k.

He's a grade A cunt

@SummerHouse

Having someone at home asking for handouts must be infuriating. Just get a job or don’t, no need to moan about the very comfortable life he’s providing for her.

I suspect the OP also provides a very comfortable for him? Money is not the only provision a family needs. It should be a partnership that's equal and fair in which finances are pooled.

I’m just very glad that I don’t have someone deciding to stop working and “provide” me with a comfortable life in this way. Doing the cooking and looking after the kids whilst I work a stressful job and maintain everyone financially? Sounds incredibly stressful and I can imagine I’d want to treat myself to a new car too before funding their additional treats.

It’s him enjoying his money.

Nothing wrong with people enjoying the money they earn but when your life partner is getting into debt and having to shop secondhand whilst you buy new, designer good, as PP have said, there clearly is a problem.

What?! This is a crazy set up. He earns £110k and you have £1200 to live off? How can you love such a selfish person? I would find that a repulsive trait.

In answer to you question, no I wouldn't tell him and pay off some of your debt but the bigger issue is that you've living in a state of poverty despite your partner being a top 5% earner.