SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Absolutely I could live off £200 disposable income.

Though the issue seems to be that you're not paying for the child based costs separately. Perhaps this needs the equivalent of cb paid to you or just use the joint account to pay for those costs.

Tbh if you've not been honest about the finances, how should he know its an issue?

This is financial abuse. Even if - for the sake of argument only - he thought you were financially irresponsible or that you had a raging martyr complex, he can’t have missed that your kids are struggling to have their needs met too.

Before you do anything else, start taking photos on your phone of every financial document in the house and email them to a gmail account you can access even if he “loses” your phone or laptop. What is he keeping to himself? Dividends? Stocks and shares? Bonuses? Gather evidence of everything.

Then decide how much money you and the children comfortably need, adding 15% for inflation so you don’t need to repeat the conversation in a year. Sit down and ensure he arranges a direct debit for that amount for you. I would say you need access to the joint account too, but I realise that doesn’t suit all families.

If he refuses, or kicks off before assenting, you’re going to a divorce lawyer and getting half of everything.

The only acceptable reaction from him is an apology, and action.

I agree that men often don’t realise how much things cost for women - when I was on maternity leave and all our spends were coming out of the joint account my DH thought it was a chuffing typo when he learnt how much it cost me to have a colour and cut. (£300 in the centre of London). He’d always thought it was about £50.

My DH gives me £150 a month. But he pays for literally every, and if I need more for any reason he gives it to me no questions asked. I also work pt, although on far less hours than I could be doing due to being pregnant again.

Point being, this works for us. My total each month to spend on myself is about 200. But your financial situation is clearly not working for you so you need to have a discussion with your husband about it.

Well £200/ month isn’t exactly a lot to live on but then you’re a SAHP so it has to be agreed together. If he chooses to subsidise you and you want him to do that too, you’ll have to agree on an amount. If he’s not happy to give you more - just get a job. I’m glad I don’t have a stay at home partner expecting me to subsidise them.

I’m glad I don’t have a stay at home partner expecting me to subsidise them

@Mallemo

Well £200/ month isn’t exactly a lot to live on but then you’re a SAHP so it has to be agreed together. If he chooses to subsidise you and you want him to do that too, you’ll have to agree on an amount. If he’s not happy to give you more - just get a job. I’m glad I don’t have a stay at home partner expecting me to subsidise them.

Gosh, if I earned 110,000 I would LOVE to have a wife at home doing most (not all) of the housework, picking the kids up from school so they weren't in after school care, sometimes having dinner ready when I finished work (I wouldnt expect it every day but it would be soooo nice to come home to a home cooked meal sometimes rather than having to sort it all out plus kids etc etc every day). I would happily "subsidise" them with considerably more than 200 a month. The only problem is

1. I dont earn anything like 110 grand
2. I am a straight woman :( and changing my sexuality seems a bit extreme

If he earned 30k a year I would go with it, but 110k! You need to have an honest chat with him about what things actually cost and how you need more for the benefit of the whole family. If you are worried or scared about this, I would worry that he may be abusing your sahm situation.

@yetanothernamitynamechange

Yes exactly, £200 a month for full time childcare and housework is an absolute bargain

If he chooses to subsidise you and you want him to do that too, you’ll have to agree on an amount

Goady much. It's not subsidising, jesus even a book written for women in 1912 recognised that women earn the money from their husband by virtue of the work they do as wife and mother. He's had the time and energy to build that career as he is free of all the labour of the house, and kids and the planning and management of all this. Its a lot of work (and no I am not a sahm). There is a reason you often get posts from exhausted single parents on here. Her work in all of this is 'subsidising' his work.
Imagine how much it would cost him to pay staff to provide that childcare, domestic work, cooking, shopping, life and household admin, kid admin. He'd' need a nanny, housekeeper, cook and bloody PA. Not going to get that for £200pm.

Imagine how much it would cost him to pay staff to provide that childcare, domestic work, cooking, shopping, life and household admin, kid admin. He'd' need a nanny, housekeeper, cook and bloody PA. Not going to get that for £200pm

She’s not thr paid help, don’t equate her as such. And in reality he would just have to pay half child care as she’d be liable for the rest, I’m sure he can keep his own house and do his own admin.

And she gets more than 200 a month. She gets food, housing, and all utilities paid. I’m not sure what their total monthly bills come to, but effectively she also gets half of that.

However it’s not relevant. She is not paid help. And she wishes to work.

I disagree that this is financial abuse from all those jumping on this bandwagon based on the 2 posts.
. He hasn't refused to increase it. She hasn't said that she would like more.
The issue is there's no communication.

This is what's needed, not threats of divorce etc.

OP says they have ajoint account so im confused why she wont use that to buy things such as presents, toiletries, etc when out food shopping? Is it strictly for food? Would the husband care? Does he go through recipts or why is the joint account only for bills and groceries?
OP has only posted once, no updates so a lot of unanswered questions. It doesnt make the husband sound like a good guy for sure, but considering that shehas no income it is pointless to advise her to just run for the hills.. I think MN posters love this expression but it is so unrealistic.
As for £200 on self maintenance, days out, glasses, gifts and compost etc is not that bad on its own, but considering that he earns well it is bad.
I know a lot of people who have alot less than 200 left over after rent, bills, insurance and food., and they mange. So this is not really a question of would this amount be enough for other ppl. For some it would, for some it wouldnt.
Question 2- i wouldnt tell him. Or maybe i would. Maybe i would tell him about the debt too and the fact that he is taking the pi$#. But i dont know your husband and i dont know how he would take it. It sounds like you are scared to tell him about the debt which is worrying. It is not like you racked up a 50k debt from going to betting shops and secretly remortgaged the house or something..
I wouldnt want to be with someone who i am scared of, so i would start thinking of an exit. Get a job, put away money, plan. If you are not scared of him and you just feel silly or whatever for getting cc debt amd you feel he is not aware of howmuch yhose things costs and would be fine with you to use money from joint account to spend on stuff then sit down and have a chat. Only you know his attitude towards money and whether he is a self absorved workaholic who thinks that ppl who are stay at home mums dont require nice things or he is more sinister than that. Neither option is good tbh, and for a lot of women either options would be enough of a reason to leave. Only you know the answers to these questions.
The questions you should be asking ( yourself) OP is 'why cant i tell my husband that i have a credit card debt? Why cant i tell him that i need more money? And most importantly- if my husband wears designer clothes then why is he ok for me to shop in charity shops? How much doesmy partner value me as a SAHM and how much is this an equal partnership? '

Assuming no pension payments he takes home £5870 pcm and he is giving you £200 or 3.4 % of his take home pay. Do you claim CB? He'd have to pay it back but it would put a bit more money in your pocket at least.

If you left him and he had your DC EOW he'd have to pay you £793.60 pcm in child maintenance (assuming 1DC). Why are you staying with him? He's being financially abusive.

@SoloMummy

I disagree that this is financial abuse from all those jumping on this bandwagon based on the 2 posts. . He hasn't refused to increase it. She hasn't said that she would like more. The issue is there's no communication.

This is what's needed, not threats of divorce etc.

What kind of person thinks it’s reasonable to give £200 a month when they are earning £110,000 PA though? I’m assuming he’s not daft if he’s on a salary like that....

SoloMummy are we really claiming a man earning over 100k, who recently purchased a 40k car for himself is naive to the cost of things

Are you in love with him?

What about you having a pension etc?

Keep the winnings. Yes, I could live if that if I had to. You don't have to. Your DH earns 110k and you're having to scrabble for cash to buy coffee on play dates? This is insanity.

That’s ridiculous OP!

DH earns about 75K and gives me unlimited access to the lot. After bills theres only about £800-£1000 left (I’m on mat leave) but I manage it and would never be living off bloody pocket money

What kind of person thinks it’s reasonable to give £200 a month when they are earning £110,000 PA though

Someone who thinks their partner should be working....?

Let's not pretend that when op gets a job everything will be dandy
This fucker will absolutely consider op responsible for the children and house. I would bet everything I own on it.

Men like this encourage the woman to be a sahm, restrict the money and eventually when the woman has enough and goes back out to work they dont lift a finger within the house.

I get by on far far less. However that's because DH's income is a lot lower. We have always had a joint account and use it as we need to. I couldn't live being given an allowance that's very 1950's to me. He sounds very tight.

@Bluntness100

What kind of person thinks it’s reasonable to give £200 a month when they are earning £110,000 PA though

Someone who thinks their partner should be working....?

So if a couple decide one should be a sahp, when the other decides that they should go to work, are they morally justified in withholding money immediately?

This makes me sick

£200 a month to cover all of that is absolutely horrendous. My last glasses prescription cost me £275.

I suggest you get a job and let him pay for childcare instead.

So let's say someone makes a bowl of soup. They give their partner one spoon of soup and themselves 99 spoons of soup. It's his soup. He made it. He is in charge of it. It's not abusive because she hasn't asked for more soup.

It is abusive and it's controlling and it's mean.