SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

I’m just very glad that I don’t have someone deciding to stop working and “provide” me with a comfortable life in this way. Doing the cooking and looking after the kids whilst I work a stressful job and maintain everyone financially? Sounds incredibly stressful and I can imagine I’d want to treat myself to a new car too before funding their additional treats
lots of assumptions, for all we know the husband wanted OP to stop working to raise their children. Plus if child raising is so fantastic and easy how come more men aren’t rushing to do it, sharing paternity leave and taking the gap in their career to spend fabulous swanning around time at home?
after a day of my preschooler and a house of endless chores I can tell you I prefer a day in the office. To have all my childcare needs and all my washing, cooking, cleaning taken care of for £200 a month...where do I sign up?!

Your DH earns 110K a year and your struggling because of his financial abuse towards you, seriously @Livingnearthesea please read what you have put, and then start putting your foot down, or initiate a divorce where you would be a lot better off.
As for the money you won, do not tell him, enjoy spending it on your kids.

I’m just very glad that I don’t have someone deciding to stop working and “provide” me with a comfortable life in this way. Doing the cooking and looking after the kids whilst I work a stressful job and maintain everyone financially? Sounds incredibly stressful and I can imagine I’d want to treat myself to a new car too before funding their additional treats.

^

Hilarious 😂

I bet most of us are glad we aren't saddled to someone who would put themselves having a new car to drive around in whilst wearing designer suits over us having enough money for a haircut and a coffee out with our friends every so often. Especially whilst raising their children!!

This thread is eye opening. Before children I earned significantly more than my partner. Two children later, I have been part time since they came along, and my partner now earns three times what I earn. He is no more entitled to his money than I am. I am no more entitled to my money than he is. We have separate accounts as that just seems logical to me. If I asked him to transfer me a grand tomorrow he probably wouldn't even ask why. It's our money anyway. If I happen to be the one booking our holidays (always) I pay it from my account. Again it doesn't matter. It's irrelevant as it's our money. I have never seen so clearly as in this thread that this is not how it is for everyone. But it should be and I wish it was.

The saddest thing is you would be better off financially if you left him what does that say about the relationship! You’d get paid more as a live in nanny it’s just like he’s bunging you a little bit of pocket money every month.
There should be a joint account for you to use for good clothes and all the other things you need as a joint income.
You need to have an open discussion about what’s acceptable.
If my DH was earning that salary I would expect the same quality of living, same disposable income of course you would discuss any big purchases but coat, boots etc you should just have as a joint income. If you had not been a SAHM he would not have been able to earn the same level of income.
My friend’s DH Is on a high income and she is SAHM (For the last few years as it suits them) they just have a joint account and she has her own account from when she was working but she just uses the joint account for everything.
She always has lovely clothes and buys all the children’s clothes and things from that account.
She might use her own account for a girls trip away or a new bag she doesn’t really need say but everything else is joint.

For god's sake please keep the money quiet, I could cry for how you're trying to manage on so little. What a tight bastard he is.

I haven't read all the responses OP but I actually feel like crying for you. Your "D"H is being so financially abusive it actually frightens me. He is "paying" you to look after your DC, but he isn't even paying you a half way decent wage. This is disgusting. And as you have a joint account for joint expenses, I assume he puts money in there and the rest of his salary he just keeps?

I suspect that telling him this is unacceptable won't get you very far, but if you can, that's what you need to do.... I am honestly shocked.

Whatever he earns should be coming into the household... Pay the bills, buy the kids clothes and things they need, buy food etc and split whatever is left.

When you are a family you earn to keep your family going, not to throw them peanuts and keep them scrambling at your feet while you lord it up with fancy clothes and cars.

Have you posted recently @Livingnearthesea Gosh there’s been several of these situations on here recently I think MN needs to make a topic so you can all reflect and see that it’s not normal at all

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

What are you supposed to contribute with no income?

£200 is nothing at per month it’s disgusting OP. Finicial abuse is going on here.

How many children do you have?

Selfraising I'm so relieved it all worked out for you

I'm a sahm and my husband gives me £200 per month. However that is just for me, I don't have to buy any household items, anything for dd, gifts for family etc out of that.
I couldn't life off of the money he gives you, with the things you're paying for.
Definitely don't tell him about the winnings.

Also to add, dh gives me more if for any reason something comes up that takes me over the money. Like I bought theatre tickets at the start of the month for my sister and I for January, so he paid for them so I wouldn't be left short for the rest of the month.
It really does come across as financial abuse, and it really isn't okay when you're family.

@ivfbeenbusy

Whilst I'm often on the side of the working partner when it comes to STAHP in this instance you need to grow a pair and speak to your DH.

If I'm honest you sound like you've made a rod for your own back on this one OP by being a bit of a silent martyr and not communicating with him - if you don't ask you don't get. It's not for him to guess what you might need per month? Where did the £200 come from? Who decided it? Shouldn't you have just turned round and said no I'll need a bit more than that?? 🤷‍♀️ - DIY, gardening bits should absolutely come out of the joint account. You have access to it so use it? Days out for the kids also joint account.

The only things which should come out of the £200 is items for you specifically?

Also unless you have a medical restriction it's unreasonable not to be able to drive in this day and age

This is really poor advice.

My dad swore by that saying “if you don’t ask you don’t get” usually I agree however not in this situation.

They are his kids too. £200 is not a lot of money from his monthly salary. OPs husband surely must know this or are you suggesting he has no idea?

Train fares, lunch? It won’t go far if you go some where like London. Average train ticket from the North to London £100. That’s before lunch of any kind of activities.

Your living in cuckoo land.

I'm a SAHP. It was a joint decision made with my dh. I don't have an allowance or have to beg for money. I have full access to all money and can buy what I want, when I want it. He never questions me about what I've bought.

If the decision to be a SAHP was a joint one then it is utterly outrageous and indefensible that the OP is living on £200 a month when her dh earns £110k.

The oddest thing about these threads is when you reverse the genders and it’s a man who doesn’t work, gets all his expenses paid, two hundred quid a month spending money and everyone shouts he’s a cock lodger, get rid.

When it’s a woman, then she’s being financially abused and should have as much money as her heart desires.

None of us know if the op and her husband noth agreed her not working. None of us know the financial agreement she made when she stopped work

Like many folks though if my husband had told me when I had my daughter he was stopping work to look after her and I should now pay for everything and to give him spending money on top I’d have told him to fuck off. If however it was a mutual agreement, I’d have agreed how the finances work in advance.

So without further detail it’s hard to know exactly what is going on here.

@Bluntness100 because usually the “cocklodgers” are lazing around the house not doing much.

When do you read that someone lives with a cocklodger but he does all the house work, cooks the meals, cleans the house and takes the children to classes. Big difference

@Schnoopy

I'm a SAHP. It was a joint decision made with my dh. I don't have an allowance or have to beg for money. I have full access to all money and can buy what I want, when I want it. He never questions me about what I've bought.

If the decision to be a SAHP was a joint one then it is utterly outrageous and indefensible that the OP is living on £200 a month when her dh earns £110k.

I don't think there's anything wrong with couples who decided together that the sahp has a set amount each month, as long as it's a joint decision. I specifically asked my husband for a set amount monthly, as I really don't need any more. I do have access to his bank and credit card (we don't have a joint account, never have and it works for us) and he pays for everything household, any days out, my car insurance phone bill etc out of the family money and the rest goes into savings depending what we have left. If I want to spend more than what I get, I absolutely can and he wouldn't care I just don't need to. So in some instances it does work having it this way. However in ops case, it absolutely does not.

Also unless you have a medical restriction it's unreasonable not to be able to drive in this day and age

What utter nonsense.

@Completmentfille

Also unless you have a medical restriction it's unreasonable not to be able to drive in this day and age

What utter nonsense.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP if you have a joint account surely just use that money for the essentials you need

Ffs he earns 110k and gives you £200 a month? That's bloody obscene.

This is one of those posts where the OP creates some really shitty situation, plays all dumb with the "is this OK" nonsense, then sits back and watches everyone froth without ever coming back to comment.

@BillMasen so in your opinion is financial abuse acceptable in a marriage?

@RaspberryCoulis
Seems you are right.