SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Depending on how much money he tries to hide you might be better off with a divorce. He won't change.

@BillMasen
Your sex is highly relevant Bill. Because being a man you have a very different perspective. Op hasn’t discussed the issue with her husband. Can you really not imagine why?

Let me give you a hint. Op has plantar fasciitis and wears cheap shoes. The only reason a woman would rather cause herself physical pain than discuss being given more money for decent footwear is because she’s scared of his reaction and therefore scared of him.

No it's a pathetic amount.

Playing devil's advocate her but does he know how much things cost? My adult son can get his hair cut at the barber for £17. I think he'd be gobsmacked if he knew how much adult women paid and that's without fancy treatments like hair colour.

What would happen if you showed him a spreadsheet of your spends last year and could prove that say £600 was a frugal but fair figure?

Divorce him. "His" money is legally 50% yours, they'll tell him that in court.

FWIW I'm a SAHM at the moment, my DH earns similar. Apart from some (joint) savings and pensions and paying off his card each month, it all goes into the joint account which pays mortgage, bills, groceries, essentials as well as stuff for the kids, clothes for us all, treats etc. I have equal access to the money. I don't have to ask or justify spends, we discuss bigger purchases.

Should the situation reverse (as it did in the past when I was working and he was doing work related study) I'd do the same for him.

What you are describing is financial abuse. It is not the amount, because obviously some people earn far less and have to make do, it is the lack of partnership and respect and the fact that you are a second class citizen within your marriage. No man should be walking around in fancy clothes driving a new car while his wife struggles to pay for clothes for the kids, her glasses or petrol and gets into debt. Or wears shoes that damage her feet because she can't afford the ones she needs for medical reasons.

Make a list of all your outgoings and show him what is needed. You are family unit and have agreed the SAHM situation; he needs to step up. You are sacrificing your career to provide childcare and household support. If he won't do the right thing, think carefully about your next steps. Are you afraid to ask for the things you need? You should not have to feel that way.

Your ‘Dh’ is seriously taking the piss if he thinks he gets to earn good money and you can run the house on a pittance including decorating and landscaping the garden.

In all honesty, you’d be a lot better off as a single mum with maintenance paid from your cheapskate husband.

This is abuse. Don’t look for a job, look for a good solicitor and divorce him.

What does he do with the rest of his earnings while you scrape by on a pittance?

In addition to what others are saying (ask for more, get a job, LTB) all of which are good advice, I would also say that if he doesn't agree to give you more money (much more) and for whatever reason you aren't ready to leave at the very least start getting money where you can. For example if you are the one doing the food shop ask at the till for cash back each time, keep the 10/20 pounds somewhere safe (it will build up quick) or use it to pay of the credit card debt (or buy some decent shoes as a priority!) . Also if you can buy clothes for the children/clothes for you from the supermarket as part of the shoe shop. If you think he would question why the food shop has gone up then switch to cheaper brand items at the same time to balance out.
Obviously if he is the type to check receipts dont risk it - but otherwise do NOT feel guilty about the deceipt. In a normal relationship you wouldnt need to hide your spending from you partner but you are not in a normal relationship. And definately keep the 300!

Not read all the replies, but that amount is ridiculous! I've been a sahm for 10 years, my dh earns £70k a year. I transfer £900 into one of my accounts which pays for food shopping, my cc repayment, kids school lunches, phone/contact lenses, magazine subscriptions for kids, any other direct debits, and christmas/birthdays etc. I then put £300 into my 'spends' account which I use for days out, clothes, haircuts, make up etc for me and 3 dc. My dh puts about £250/300 into his account. The rest stays in the joint for bills. You really need to talk to him. We did a spreadsheet to work out what we each needed to cover everything. I find it easier to put food shopping money etc into my own account as I'm the one that buys it and its easier to track.

Unbelievable, on his income and is happy to let you scrape by on the tiny amount and get into debt , I would be questioning if he even liked you let alone loved or cared about you, as harsh as that sounds , it's not ok and it not a partnership.

He's being tight and controlling, in my humble opinion. I am a stay at home mum. I have 3 kids, one just a baby. My husband earns 60k, we live East London/Essex borders. Here is our arrangement:
£350 per month 'personal money'. Hair, clothes, coffee etc.
A credit card in my name, for anything to do with the kids, shopping, their clothes, their clubs, petrol etc.
£40 or thereabouts in 'petty cash' in a jar. That's in case I need some money urgent for something (pay a cab/popping to corner shop etc).

Of course, the lines get blurred - he moans about me buying too many clothes for kids or christmas presents, so I tend to save up my money and get those things with my money. But it's very fluid really.
I also put £30 aside each week into a separate bank account...just in case!
Xx
However

I think in a relationship where one person , for whatever reason (aside from simple laziness!) does not do any form of paid work then they should have a joint account with equal access . Maybe if you are on similar incomes then keeping your own accounts works and putting to a joint household account But in your case to just be given £50 per week 'pocket money' which has to include numerous household expenses and your OH earns £110k that is quite honestly appalling

In a situation where your DP was on minimum wage then yes I'd say £200 pm was adequate to cover the things you've said as there probably isn't any more money available . In your case it's the inequality that's the problem .

And yes keep your winnings to yourself . Put them towards an escape fund .

@yetanothernamitynamechange

In addition to what others are saying (ask for more, get a job, LTB) all of which are good advice, I would also say that if he doesn't agree to give you more money (much more) and for whatever reason you aren't ready to leave at the very least start getting money where you can. For example if you are the one doing the food shop ask at the till for cash back each time, keep the 10/20 pounds somewhere safe (it will build up quick) or use it to pay of the credit card debt (or buy some decent shoes as a priority!) . Also if you can buy clothes for the children/clothes for you from the supermarket as part of the shoe shop. If you think he would question why the food shop has gone up then switch to cheaper brand items at the same time to balance out. Obviously if he is the type to check receipts dont risk it - but otherwise do NOT feel guilty about the deceipt. In a normal relationship you wouldnt need to hide your spending from you partner but you are not in a normal relationship. And definately keep the 300!

100% agree.

I think you should have access to a joint account. Or a copy of his credit card, to spend as you need. And he can pay it off every month.

The way we work our finances btw is that when we first got together we kept separate accounts but would have things like him paying for mortgage , me paying for food etc our earnings were similar with him earning slightly more

Once I went on to maternity leave we started a joint account which we access equally. I've worked part time for 19 years now. Initially through child care . Then taking on extra responsibilities with elderly parents . We contribute equally to our life Together so our money is joint .

This is shocking . How on earth do you survive on 200??
I’m a sahm for the moment and dh transfers 1600 euro at the end of each month . That does the grocery shopping , clothes for children and myself , days out( not at the moment though 😭) diesel , anything school related , presents for friends and family ( both sides ) after school activities.
Make up , hair app etc
He pays mortgage, car insurance, car tax, nct, bills and phone bills.
If I need a top up I either ask him to transfer or use his card .
You are an equal partnership .
Your dh is a high earner too , I find it deeply unattractive that he is so stingy

Don't you dare tell him about the small win. And don't pay off the cc either. Put it in an escape fund. EVERY woman should have one. My husband knows about mine. Toughen up OP, you hold all the cards ans you just don't know it. He darent leave you, but you should not be being financially abused. Google it and you'll see i'm right.

Also, please don't be tempted to have more children with this man. It sounds as if you have 1 DC who has just started school. Easier to escape and build a happy life for yourself with one in school.

Yes I would bloody advocate divorce if my partner was watching my struggle and walk around living a totally different lifestyle to the one he lives himself when I was the mother or his child?!

Well, I've got nothing really to add to what has already been said. I guess the replies are not really a surprise to you OP, which is why you posted.

Definitely spend your £300 on some decent boots and nice clothes.

Are you scared of your dh, do you mind me asking?

I was a sahm for a number of years and we struggled at points but never did I get 'pocket money' like a child! How insulting.

I honestly find this hard to believe. Why are there so many financially abusive men out there?? I find the idea of £200 a month pocket money unbelievably patronising, unless it's something you both agree to follow due to budgeting, saving etc.

@Bluntness100

Tell him you need more money, if he will not give you access to more, get out. He is abusive. You will get more in maintenance

So it’s all about what she can get, not what she can earn?

But @Bluntness100 a partnership is not always about two partners working equal hours and bringing in equal amounts of money . If one partner works outside the house and brings in enough salary to keep them both and the other partner does all the domestic chores and child care that is also a partnership.

Do you think that if the OP was to get herself a full time job outside of the house this man is likely to step up and take on half of the domestic chores and child care ? I would doubt it myself .

£200 when he earns 110k is utterly ridiculous! My dad earned not far off that and he gave my mum £1k per month and if she ever needed more for something important he would happily discuss it and send it to her without any issues. He is finically abusing you!

If he earns 110k why are you only getting £200?

Seems totally unfair.

For perspective I’m on unpaid maternity leave currently ( by choice I wanted a whole year rather than 9 months).

DP pays me £700 a month. It’s what it would cost to put DS in nursery whilst I went to work. It’s nowhere near as much as I earn normally but I’m not contributing to the household bills at all or food so it covers my outgoings such as my car / phone etc and I pay for all the stuff DS and I get up to whilst DP works.

DP earns half what your DH earns.