SAHM - could you live off this amount of £

[Livingnearthesea]

Name changed. Sorry if this is long but I would appreciate some opinions please on 2 specific questions, so please no judgement about how SAHM should never become financially dependent etc.

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and had started to look for a job then Covid hit and local jobs have dried up.

DH does standing order for £200/month to me, and he pays for the gym. Out of that £200/month over the course of a year I need to pay for:
-Clothing and shoes
-Skincare / make up
-Any other personal items

• Mobile

-Gifts for family and friends (mine) -Prescriptions (need 2-3 per year) -Glasses prescription (varifocal so expensive, now needing new one second year in a row)

• Hair cuts

-Bus/train fares (don’t drive and we live 30 mins walk to town. I have significant diagnosed foot pain so I can’t always walk far) -Coffee or meal with friends (avoid the latter very often as becomes too expensive) -Taking DC out somewhere by myself so pay for transport, entry fees, lunch etc, or for play dates at a park where everyone else is buying snacks/coffee etc

• Garden plants & compost etc as DH sees little point in it looking nice
• DIY items like paint and materials, when I want to upgrade the paint work
• train to visit my relatives 1-2/year (min fare in advance about £80-100. I’ll now need to pay for DC as he has turned 5 so fares will be much more than stated)
• Misc

So, over the space of a year would this be enough for you to live off? I never spend money on nice things for myself like new clothing, nails, facials, fashion accessories etc). Over the past 2 years I have unfortunately built up a credit card bill of nearly £900 because I’ve found it hard to meet all expenses.

We have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and misc bits and pieces.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

He earns £110k and comes from a very frugal family. As a result they are all quite wealthy so this £300 is nothing but pocket money to him. For me, this is a wonderful surprise but I know he’d say put it in the joint account and let’s do something nice as a family with it - but we wouldn’t (partly thanks to Covid but he’s also a workaholic and is too tired to do much, hence why I take DC out myself).

I’ve never been a deceitful person but he’s so tight with money sometimes yet only wears designer clothes and suits himself, bought himself a £42k car recently etc and here I am not having had any decent new clothes since I had DC (it you can count £5 t-shirts)- I shop in charity shops only now.

I’m torn. Please believe me when I say I’ve never been a deceitful person, but he would not be happy if I kept this money for myself yet he doesn’t exactly lavish money on me like he does himself (I don’t expect lavish things btw - it would just be nice to be bought a pair of winter boots that suit my bad foot - plantar fasciitis - rather than the cheap shoes I buy that never do).
He does buy me things like jewellery and a rain coat, but he seems to think as a SAHM I don’t need things.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

Jesus Christ OP, get out of this situation. This isn't normal.

@Completmentfille

You’re advising splitting based on what? The fact she’s not even talked to him about it yet and you have no idea what his response is?

You don't think he has worked out that if he is on 110k a year, buying expensive cars and clothes, but expecting his wife to get by on £200 then that is abuse? Is anyone genuinely so thick they would need to be spoken to before they realise that?

The answer is no. It is abuse and he knows it.

You don’t think she should just simply say it’s not enough. You know, talk.

It’s perfectly believable that he thinks she’s fine with it., thinking as all other hosts are paid it’s purely fun money. That’s not the case so they should talk. I agree it’s not enough, that’s not the debate.

TBF when I was a SAHM I probably spent about £100 on hair, makeup, coffee, clothes, occasional lunch, etc., but that was 20 years ago and DH even then was earning more than the OP's DH. So those things, yes I accept can be kept to minimum. However for the other things The op mentions I would give him a bill at the end of the month and he'd wrote a cheque. Never had joint accounts. He did have tailor made suits and quality shirts and ties but they were necessary for his sector but he also asked if it pissed me off that he spent £200 on three shirts when I spent £100 on shoes, leggings and two jerseys but it didn't because I spe t most if my time on the floor with DC and if we went somewhere special I cd buy a decent frock.

Helped that we are both tight. I still buy No 7 make-up and modest clothes for work (I went back) and earn as much as the OP's DH.

There’s clearly a reason why OP hasn’t been able to address any of this with her husband and it’s not a recent issue. OP are you okay?

@Bluntness100

Tell him you need more money, if he will not give you access to more, get out. He is abusive. You will get more in maintenance

So it’s all about what she can get, not what she can earn?

Correct...£110k is enough money for her not to have to scrimp and save. If he was giving her that amount because he was a low earner, then it would be reasonable for her to look at other ways of increasing income. They have decided that she will stay at home...she's facilitating his career and contributing in a non financial way. He can easily afford to give her more and chooses not to.

@Completmentfille

SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT IT, IT IS OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WITH HALF A BRAINCELL THAT THIS IS NOT OK.

Jeez.

Jeez yourself

Advocating splitting rather than talking first

It’s perfectly believable that he thinks she’s fine with it.

Then he's both an arsehole and incredibly stupid, end of story.

Preparing to be told this financial situation is all my fault

The fact you think the above might be the case means you’ve lost hold of what is normal.

Your DH is frigging awful, that’s controlling and shitty. He sounds a horrible person. You need to confront him about the massive lack of fairness here. So you’re a SAHM who ‘doesn’t need much’ and he works all the time so the same applies to him. He is treating you like shit, to be a £42k car and give you £200 a month, how have you ever agreed to this?

Advocating splitting rather than talking first

If OP came on here saying he'd been violent to her or that he was verbally abusive to her or the children, would you say she should talk to him about it?

Those of us who work in this field know what we are talking about.

The problem here is not the money alone; it is the absence of communication.

This should not be about whether £200 a month is enough to buy what you need.

It SHOULD be about why you don't have a joint account- as you are partners, a family and as a sahp enabling him to pursue his career - to which you both have equal access when you need or want to pay for something.

You are in a v vulnerable position here financially.

The problem here is not the money alone; it is the absence of communication.

No, the problem is financial abuse.

Knock the guilt on the head right now.
Also, anything for the dc comes out of joint account.

@BillMasen
Are you the husband? Quite frankly you are not coming across well in this thread. Ops husband knows how much he spends on himself. And he doesn’t care to spend anything on his wife and child. She’s in debt and too scared to even discuss it with him. Does that sound remotely normal to you?

Give your head a wobble. Because all I see is a MAN stating another MAN isn’t abusing a woman because he says so.

We are WOMEN and here to support other WOMEN. If you don’t like that, you’re in the wrong place.

@Completmentfille

Advocating splitting rather than talking first

If OP came on here saying he'd been violent to her or that he was verbally abusive to her or the children, would you say she should talk to him about it?

Those of us who work in this field know what we are talking about.

No I would not. But this is different.

If you work in this field I’m sure you’ve seen and heard some horrible things. Maybe that means you jump to “leave, immediately, no question” when a bit of communication might resolve what could be a non-issue. I understand why, but I don’t think that’s always right and that every issue is equivalent to the clearly abusing situations you come across.

IME when people like Bill minimise behaviour like this, either they recognise something in their own relationship which rings a bell and they get defensive, or they themselves are like it and they get defensive.

But this is different

No it isn't.

Financial abuse is dangerous, damaging, and not fixable by a conversation.

You really have no idea what you are talking about.

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@BillMasen
Are you the husband? Quite frankly you are not coming across well in this thread. Ops husband knows how much he spends on himself. And he doesn’t care to spend anything on his wife and child. She’s in debt and too scared to even discuss it with him. Does that sound remotely normal to you?

Give your head a wobble. Because all I see is a MAN stating another MAN isn’t abusing a woman because he says so.

We are WOMEN and here to support other WOMEN. If you don’t like that, you’re in the wrong place.[/quote]
I’m not the husband, and my sex is utterly irrelevant.

I don’t see posters advocating an immediate divorce rather than a straight conversation as being supportive to the OP

Yes, I could and have had less for those things, with no debt and saved from the amount.

It was shit and I would not do so with a DH on that income. It was done by necessity. Don't tell him about your win. Do tell him to set up a joint account with a card in your name.

@Completmentfille

IME when people like Bill minimise behaviour like this, either they recognise something in their own relationship which rings a bell and they get defensive, or they themselves are like it and they get defensive.

That’s a hell of a leap when all I’m advocating is people talking before divorcing

@Mischance

The problem here is not the money alone; it is the absence of communication.

No it's the money. It's blatantly obvious that £200 is a small amount of money in relation to his salary. He knows what he's doing. He has chosen to subject his wife to this.

On opening your post, I scoffed: £200 is more than enough for all the extra bits you list... but then I came to the bit about your partner being on £110k and wearing designer suits etc. He is a knob. A selfish knob at that. Not read the thread but have no doubt this has been said by many.

Second question which is causing me a moral dilemma- I have just been told that I’ve won £300 in a prize draw that I entered. This would be amazing to put on the CC and make a huge effort to pay it off, but my dilemma is to whether to tell DH?

Fuck me, that's not a moral dilemma. Keep the money, pay off the CC, don't tell the tight bastard. He thinks £300 is pocket money but gives you £200 a month and expects DIY expenses and children's entertainment to come out of that?

OP he's either nasty, or thick and bad with money. Given his wealth and frugality it seems he's not bad with money, which basically leaves us with nasty, at best.

what could be a non-issue

How could it ever be a non issue? Let's for arguments sake say that you're right and OP's husband is completely and utterly unaware that having a salary of 110k and spending freely on yourself while your wife makes do on £200 is a shitty way to be.

Do you think that the kind of man with an emotional IQ that low will change all his ways if OP says "oh by the way, I don't think the way we do our finances is fair"?

I mean she can talk to him all she wants but it won't make a blind bit of difference.