Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

His 'hobby' strikes again - when do mums get to have fun??

152 replies

ArtemisBean · 24/10/2020 04:58

DH has just shoved off for another full day doing his hobby. It's not every week but it's a pain in the arse being left for 14+ hours alone with a toddler and pregnant while he swans off enjoying himself. I'm keeping count of the days he owes me to go off and enjoy MYself (ha!) but I genuinely don't know what I'd do all day given half the chance, especially in these times when lots of places are closed. Anyone else feeling like a hobby widow and would like to commiserate? I know there's plenty of us out there. And ideas for fun ways to spend all these days off I'm due would be much appreciated so I can plan my revenge (lighthearted, sort of 😛).

OP posts:

CrappleUmble · 24/10/2020 20:30

The case where each parent has a hobby that takes a few hours a week and everyone's happy isn't discussed because there's no need to do so.

Except on threads where the DH has a completely unreasonable piss take of a hobby, and then it gets discussed at great length by people who can't tell the difference.

HoldMyLobster · 24/10/2020 20:40

In my second and third pregnancies it was just a flat no if DH wanted to go and spend 14 child free hours doing something that wasn’t earning us an income.

It’s 18 months of his life and I was giving up a fuck of a lot more than he was, such as not feeling sick 18 hours a day.

It’s now 15 years later and he’s welcome to play golf, do D&D, play computer games, ride bikes, go on all-day hikes as much as he likes, or whatever else, as am I.

billy1966 · 24/10/2020 21:50

@HoldMyLobster

In my second and third pregnancies it was just a flat no if DH wanted to go and spend 14 child free hours doing something that wasn’t earning us an income.

It’s 18 months of his life and I was giving up a fuck of a lot more than he was, such as not feeling sick 18 hours a day.

It’s now 15 years later and he’s welcome to play golf, do D&D, play computer games, ride bikes, go on all-day hikes as much as he likes, or whatever else, as am I.

Exactly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

PartoftheProbl3m · 24/10/2020 21:52

Can’t believe his hobby is that interesting all that niche and anyone actually would be stalking you but these threads were people won’t say what it is drive me nuts

Porridgeoat · 24/10/2020 21:56

So have a day of sleep and peace. Give the toddler to DH and take the day off

Smallsteps88 · 24/10/2020 22:05

I always find these threads sad. My dad had an all consuming hobby (horses) when we were small but as my mum worked nights all his evenings and weekends were taken up with caring for DC so we just went along with him wherever he went. My mum went back to work 14 weeks after my sister was born (and I was still under two) and they often laughed about how my dad didn’t have a changing bag he had a tack box with nappies in it. I feel really lucky to have had all that time with him as a child. And we had such a brilliant childhood that we would never have known had he just sat at home with us while mum was working/sleeping. All these dads clearing off without their DC dont know what they’re missing out on.

Devilesko · 24/10/2020 22:09

Planning a divorce would be a good hobby.

PullTheBricksDown · 24/10/2020 22:18

Hotel sleepover. Premier Inn are doing rooms from £26. Set off in the afternoon, get snacks on the way, and then get into PJs, watch crap TV, order a takeaway for delivery and get an uninterrupted night's sleep while you can.

Poppys · 25/10/2020 17:24

I used to make a point of leaving my DC with DH while I went shopping or met a friend for a walk & coffee (not for as long as he’d been doing his hobby but fir a good few hours) as he then understood what hard work it was and thought twice before asking for an unreasonable amount of tine doing his hobby. Worth it in the long run...

LolaSmiles · 25/10/2020 17:40

Smallsteps88
DH doesn't have an all-consuming hobby but does cycle. He loves taking DC out in the bike trailer. He can't wait until DC have their own bikes.

The case where each parent has a hobby that takes a few hours a week and everyone's happy isn't discussed because there's no need to do so
I agree because those of us with equitable hobby time are happy.
But there's plenty of situations where one person has a hobby for a few hours a week (like cycling for a morning) and countless posters are ready to pile in calling the man all names under the sun rather than accept that there's a totally reasonable solution of both parents having down time.

These threads do make you wonder how on earth all these apparently (and actually) feckless manchildren manage to find women to have a family with/remain in a relationship with.

I think, selfish men aside, a lot comes down to whether you've got a relationship of hobby people or not. For example, two hobby people will value downtime/time to do their hobby, will understand the importance of wider interests and will consequently be keen to ensure that hobby time is a priority for both people. If you have a relationships where one person has a hobby/interests and the other doesn't then the non-hobby person generally doesn't 'get' why it's important, doesn't view it as something worth setting time aside for and then trends to be resentful that their other half has interests and a life beyond the family.

I've seen it happen where a husband is happy vegging out watching telly once the kids are in bed but doesn't get why his wife has lots of rehearsals for choir/am dram, and I've also seen it where wife is content to potter at home, read their book/enjoy their mindful colouring in books etc and they get frustrated that their husband goes to the gym several times a week or trains for sport events.

user1472151176 · 25/10/2020 17:51

I feel your pain. My hobbies include looking after my children, working and cleaning

Jayne35 · 25/10/2020 19:01

My DH is a musician (on top of working FT, so it’s a hobby), to be honest I look forward to alone time as since March he has had no gigs and it’s been driving me mad 😂, we don’t have the same taste is tv so I look forward to a Netflix fix. To be fair though I don’t have small children.

elliebound1975 · 25/10/2020 19:06

My son is 10. My husband now has 4 hobbies and I never get time to myself. I did all the lockdown schooling and I do all the clubs and childcare. I now have to do most of the housework as my hours have been reduced including shopping. Lay down the rules now. He’s being unreasonable. You need one day a week to live your life so you done resent him. I suggest one morning and one afternoon or long weekend every three weeks. I never laid down the law and got taken for granted and used. Sit him down and make an agreement. Write a contract and both sign it. It’s not the woman’s responsibility to do it all

MindyStClaire · 25/10/2020 19:17

To be fair though I don’t have small children.

That is the game changer though. Pre DC I loved time alone - DH moved to a different continent for two years for work, I've no family nearby and I was absolutely fine.

Now we have a toddler and a baby and I dread when covid ends and it means his (moderate) work travel resumes.

LindaEllen · 25/10/2020 19:42

I don't understand why you allow this to happen! At the end of the day, is your men are enjoying spending time at their hobby, and you're not telling them it's a problem, of course they're going to carry on doing it. Either get a hobby yourself or plan in time with friends or at a spa or even a mini break where he takes care of the kids. You don't just have to be the hobby widow forever. There's a life out there for you, too!

GYNisaliarWTF · 25/10/2020 20:50

I can personally relate as my DP has taken up regular fishing, golfing and most recently has decided he needs a motorbike and has done his test and bought a bike. I gave birth to our DD 11 weeks ago and have discussed with him that none of the above hobbies could possibly include us, he argues they all could (stupidly).
Rather than becoming bitter about it (not saying you are but you will if you continue to see his hobby as the reason you can’t have one) I’ve decided to take more time to read- I’ve bought a cheap bookcase off eBay (asked him to fetch it) spent a day painting it and then filled it with all my favourite books. I plan to add to this collection both for decorative and educational/ personal progression purposes. We went to Smyths today for a birthday gift for our nephew, I put a jigsaw in the trolley and told him that was my new hobby. Now whenever I get five minutes I can have the option to read or jigsaw. Sounds a bit dull really but my reading material is all based around my spiritualist beliefs and so is extremely interesting to me. I now want him out of the house so I can read in peace

You have to make it work for you. And it doesn’t need to be a gym membership/walking/ even leaving the house- I hate the outdoors so all my hobbies are home based and lockdown friendly (were tier 2). Sending lots of luck with your hobby hunting/DH burying & pregnancy with DC2

Devilesko · 25/10/2020 20:59

Jayne

Gigs are coming back for us slowly, it will be some time though. For us it's our living though, no day job.

Thewordgame · 25/10/2020 22:03

I don't care what...I would find something even if it was just going to a friend's house (restrictions permitting) and pretending we were crafting while actually just drinking tea and eating cake.

TotorosFurryBehind · 25/10/2020 23:36

My DH does his hobby for approx 6-8 hours per week, when DD is in bed. I'm supportive of that but wouldn't be happy with more time as with a toddler there is just so much to get done around the house when we are not looking after her.

timeisnotaline · 25/10/2020 23:47

Dh and I have both had lots of hobbies, and would still like to have lots. But we both work full time in reasonably pressured jobs, have a long list of work to do around the house, young children and friends and large families we enjoy catching up with (not to mention cleaners are not allowed currently with covid where we are so there goes a chunk of the weekend). Because we are both good parents and good partners, we have cut hobbies down to what fits in, which is a few hours here and there. We both go for runs, read books, but no one plays football all day or kayaks competitively, no one is in an active choir or plays basketball or indoor football, no one has enrolled in quilting courses, no one does mammoth baking sessions regularly, neither of us have been on proper hiking trips since pre babies, etc etc. (split of activities is about half half without specifying)
That’s normal parenting life I’d say. Yes I’ll do a half marathon again one day, and pick up most of the other things, but not now.

timeisnotaline · 25/10/2020 23:51

@GYNisaliarWTF

I can personally relate as my DP has taken up regular fishing, golfing and most recently has decided he needs a motorbike and has done his test and bought a bike. I gave birth to our DD 11 weeks ago and have discussed with him that none of the above hobbies could possibly include us, he argues they all could (stupidly). Rather than becoming bitter about it (not saying you are but you will if you continue to see his hobby as the reason you can’t have one) I’ve decided to take more time to read- I’ve bought a cheap bookcase off eBay (asked him to fetch it) spent a day painting it and then filled it with all my favourite books. I plan to add to this collection both for decorative and educational/ personal progression purposes. We went to Smyths today for a birthday gift for our nephew, I put a jigsaw in the trolley and told him that was my new hobby. Now whenever I get five minutes I can have the option to read or jigsaw. Sounds a bit dull really but my reading material is all based around my spiritualist beliefs and so is extremely interesting to me. I now want him out of the house so I can read in peace

Wouldn’t you just hand him baby before he heads off to golf and say make sure you bring them back every 2.5 hours for a feed have a lovely time? Next time his mum or any friends are around say and Dh wants to take baby on the motorbike can you tell him this is nuts? When he protests I did not say that you say - You most definitely said motor biking can include baby and me- what else could you possibly have meant? Make him admit these hobbies do NOT include you because that is utter bullshit.

GYNisaliarWTF · 26/10/2020 05:19

@timeisnotaline I’m fully aware they’re bullshit, and I’ll happily tell my monster in law and he’ll say in his defence he meant fishing and golfing could include us in the future. The bloke is so predictable it’s untrue.

I’ve no interest in his shite hobbies and when DD is old enough and Covid isn’t a thing, we’ll piss off out together and do all sorts. But when he asks me to try for another child (I’m aware he wants a boy) I’ll be telling him to bollocks. Not playing the sacrifice game twice, especially not after reading these threads on MN. I didn’t know I’d be able to get pregnant so DD is a little miracle but she’s plenty enough for me.

Beachhappy · 26/10/2020 06:08

I used to check into a hotel, just for 1 night, shop on arrival and maybe following day, normally Nov just before Christmas madness started, that is my hobby/treat. Thing is this year not sure I even want to do that.

On his hobby day why don’t you plan a meet up with friends.

Bodynegative · 26/10/2020 10:03

Someone up thread inadvertently hit on the crux of this. It's not about "tit for tat" or "making memories 🤮" or "get your own hobby", it's about asking permission. She talks about asking her partner to look after the children. That is the difference in my experience, the overwhelming majority of fathers know their partner will be there to look after the little darlings whatever happens, and will just say "I'm going...on..." yet the mother will usually not make that assumption and will check out that her me-time is agreed and doesn't interfere with anything else.

HospitalToast · 26/10/2020 11:05

I put up with this when the kids were little along with taking on most of the chores and life management. I was at home. It made sense. Fast forward 10 years and he does sweet FA outside of having a day job and taking our oldest to football. Not even cooking dinner. Not a drop of cleaning up. I also work FT (self-employed to fit around school) and I’m so ground down I’ve given up arguing. There is likely to be a divorce next year after he gets his final right to remain here. I haven’t left for two reasons: the kids (been together 14 years but he messed up on a form that set him on the 10 year route to residency rather than 2), and working out how I can afford to manage on one income. I won’t be responsible for him not being able to live near his kids, but there is no way I’m cleaning up after his lazy arse in my old age. So we may lose the house and end up in social housing but I’ve grown to loathe him a lot of the time.

My point is that this battle for hobby time is part of a snowball on a hill. It feels small and we can be made to feel petty for standing up for ourselves. But you need to dig your heels in now if you want your relationship to survive parenting. Good luck. I wish I’d had the energy to fight more earlier. Perhaps I wouldn’t hate him now.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.